He’d left early this morning to go mend the south fence. Bray said it was Steel’s turn to pull wire when I asked where he was during breakfast. I had to talk to Steel because I wanted to go to Dixie, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t free to do that. The idea that I could hold her, that I could love her freely again was taunting me. The way I felt about her wasn’t wrong or messed up, it was allowed. I was allowed to worship Dixie, to tell her that she owned my soul, that she was everything to me.
But I was waiting on my own little brother to do . . . something . . . anything.
When I got down to the barn, I could see the farm truck headed toward me, knowing Steel was in it. The posts and wire he hadn’t needed were clanking around in the bed, the diesel engine rumbling to an idle, then to a stop behind the barn. Steel climbed from the truck and slammed the door without looking at me. The anger on his face wasn’t what I’d been expecting to find. I hadn’t done anything to piss him off. He was the one who’d hurt Dixie.
“What?” I asked, forcing him to look at me and meeting his glare.
He let out a hard laugh. “What,” he repeated, “I’m waiting on you to tell me you’re going to see Dixie today. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? To tell me you’re going to talk to her. To warn me you’re about to swoop in and give her what she wants. What she’s wanted all her life.” He pulled off his work gloves and threw them down on the ground. “What the fuck do I do with that? I can’t compete. So go get her, Asher. Go fucking take her away from me.” He then spun and stalked toward the barn.
Steel loved her, maybe not the way I did, but he loved her all the same. And I loved him, he was my little brother and I’d always been there whenever he needed me. I’d taught him how to throw a football. Where to hit a baseball on the barrel of your bat. How to tackle with your head across.
I loved Dixie. But my lost chance with her. Steel was there for her when she needed someone to comfort her after I’d walked away from her without a word. I didn’t deserve her. Steel was the better man. Deep in my heart, I knew that as I called his name and he stopped. He turned just before entering the barn. The anger in his eyes was now gone, replaced by the kind of pain that further cemented my decision.
“What,” he replied, “what, Asher?”
“Go get her! She was yours until now. She hasn’t been mine in a long time. I’ve lived three years believing what I had with her was wrong and disgusting. You only lived that hell for a day. Your love for her is still pure. It’s you she needs right now, not me. I’m pretty sure I’m broken beyond repair and won’t ever be whole again.”
The tension in Steel’s shoulders loosened, his eyes then becoming those of a worried brother. “You’re not broken. You’re a good man, Asher. A great one if you ask me.”
He was wrong, but he loved me. His love was special, exactly the kind of love I wanted for Dixie. She wouldn’t ever be faced with the dark demons that had taken over my life, demons I wasn’t sure would ever go away. Finding out the truth didn’t magically fix me. It freed me, but it didn’t fix me. That required something I wasn’t willing to take—Dixie’s love. I couldn’t have it. It would never be mine again.
“Thanks,” I told him, “but I’ll be leaving next month. She needs a man who’ll be here for her. One who will show her the sunshine every damn day. I have too much darkness in my soul to give Dixie the light she deserves.”
Steel stood there staring at me. Finally, he nodded in agreement. “Okay,” he replied. “I do love her, you know.”
“I know,” I quietly assured him.
He wiped his hands on his jeans, then flashed a small smile, before jogging down to his truck. Watching him go wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing to do.
The barn door opened and I glanced back to see Dallas standing there wearing nothing but a pair of white shorts and a set of boxing gloves. I hadn’t known anyone was inside the barn. Dallas was just staring at me.
“I love all my brothers, but just to clarify, Asher, you’re the best one of them. We all know it. Even Steel.” Dallas spoke, giving me a sad smile. He then lifted his chin toward the inside of the barn. “Come on in and beat the shit out of that heavy bag. I just finished and I’m about to lift weights. The bag is all yours if you want it.”
Hitting something sounded really fucking good. I walked up to the barn as Dallas pulled his gloves off and slapped me in the stomach with them. “Here you go, old man,” he teased.
I grabbed the gloves and felt a genuine grin tug at my lips for the first time in a really long while. “This old man could beat your ass.”
Dallas chuckled and pointed at himself, before flexing his impressive arms. “Dude, you looked at me lately? I’m a beast,” he replied. “A monster.”
In return I laughed, really laughed, all the muscles one used to do that finally coming to life again. They’d lain unused for years.
“Yes, you are, little brother. Both a beast and a monster,” I said. The surprised expression on Dallas’s face was quickly replaced by a big grin of his own.
Steel Sutton
While pulling onto the dirt road that connected our driveway with Dixie’s, I noticed Bray’s truck parked in the field. Slowing down, I checked to see if he needed anything. But when I saw a red head and a pair of tits rising and falling like the sea, I shook my head grinning and kept driving toward Dixie’s house. In broad daylight, the bastard had a girl out there, fucking away without a care. Dude was crazy. My brother was nuts.
Dixie and me hadn’t had sex. We’d been together now for eleven months. It was my longest stint of celibacy since I was fifteen and Brenda Vickers first showed me her eighteen-year-old tits, then how good it felt to slide my dick into a hot, wet pussy. Sex became as important as oxygen to me. But then I’d fallen in love with Dixie and waiting on her becoming even more important. Turning down willing women wasn’t easy sometimes, but Dixie was worth the wait. She was better than a meaningless night with some easy lay. Dixie was worth it all.
Seeing Bray getting some made me a little jealous. I was tired of masturbating. But what he had was cheap and would be over soon. I had something more with Dixie, something worth the sacrifice, and the long wait that went along with it.