“She didn’t because there was only one person to blame,” I informed him. “That person being that girl for doing what she did. It should never have gotten that far.”
“Right, and it was me who took it that far.”
“You said she panted after you.”
“She did.”
“You return that?”
“Not until I fucked her.”
“So it wasn’t only you who took it too far. She instigated it.”
“Jussy, I knew better.”
“You know we had live-ins,” I declared suddenly.
Deke said nothing.
I kept going.
“None of them had kids who lived with us but it didn’t matter. We were different people, obviously, than these douchebags. I can’t say we treated them like they were members of the family but this was because we weren’t around often enough to make them that way. But that doesn’t matter. You just know. You know there’s a divide, at least with that,” I said the last quickly so he didn’t get any ideas. “You’re just careful, not for your sake, for theirs. This is a job for them and it puts food on the table. You don’t shit where you live and that goes both ways. But for her, this bitch who did what she did to you, an ending that disastrous, she had the greater responsibility.”
I was speaking and while doing it, I was getting angry.
Really angry.
And I knew Deke was about to say something but I kept on talking.
Except it wasn’t talking.
It had become ranting.
“And I can’t believe she instigated that ending and sat back, watched it play out and didn’t do anything.”
“Jussy, she was sixteen and, like I said, a cunt.”
I slid out from under him, sat up and semi-shouted, “You ended up homeless!”
Deke pushed up to a hand in the bed, reaching out with his other one to take the back of my neck in a firm hold before he replied soothingly, “Gypsy, it was a long time ago.”
“It was whacked!” I snapped. “A, no way she should have gone there. I can imagine you were hot. You were even remotely as hot as you are now, I totally can see her wanting to go there.” I leaned his way. “That doesn’t mean she should.”
“Jus—” he began, his voice trembling with what on that one syllable I knew was humor, but I didn’t find anything funny.
“B, she couldn’t control her base impulses, and obviously, I’m into you so I get that, still, she should have taken her shot and then let it lie. I mean, who accuses someone of fucking rape just because the guy doesn’t want seconds?”
“Ba—”
“And C, she accused you of rape. Let’s discuss that for a moment,” I hissed. “I mean, what she did put you and your mother on the streets. But before she initiated that outrage, she accused an innocent fifteen-year-old boy of rape. What the fuck?”
Now I was definitely shouting.
Then I was moving.
Deke using his hand on my neck to yank me to him so my chest collided with his, he turned, flipping me over him so I was again on my back, but on his side of the bed, and he was again on me, but fully on me so I was taking a lot of his weight.
This silenced me, but it didn’t calm me. I just had too much of his weight to breathe easily.
He took it off by putting it into a forearm but I remained silent because his face was so close to mine, I thought he was going to kiss me and I didn’t want to miss that in order to keep ranting.
Unfortunately, he didn’t kiss me.
He whispered, “You need to calm down.”
“I’m not gonna calm down.” I did not whisper. “This is despicable.”
“Like I said, it was a long time ago.”
“It could be fifty years, it could be two days, it doesn’t change the fact it’s despicable.”
“Jussy—”
“You’ve been blaming yourself for twenty-three years,” I declared.
Deke fell silent.
“Haven’t you?” I pushed.
“It’s on me,” he said quietly.
“You’re very, very wrong,” I returned resolutely. “And my guess, your mother knew that. My guess, your mother knew just what a vile bitch that bitch was and she wished she’d been able to save you from that. So that makes what that vile bitch did even worse. Because you’ve held guilt for twenty-three years and your mother held guilt for not protecting you when both of you should have never been touched with that emotion because that vile bitch is a vile…fucking…bitch.”
Deke said nothing.
I panted for a while, still pissed.
Then I realized he wasn’t saying anything.
“Deke?”
“You done fuming?”
“I’m not fuming, Deke, I’m ranting.”
“Right,” more humor in his tone, “you done ranting?”
“No, I wanna know her name.”
I felt Deke’s body tense. “Jussy—”
“Tell me her name, Deke.”
“Justice, it’s long over. Twenty-three years. The damage is done and everyone’s moved on.”
“Except you who thinks that’s on you.”
Deke again went silent.
“Her name,” I bit out.
“What do you think you’re gonna do?” he asked curiously.
“Get Mr. T to find her and then I’ll have a think and after I’ve had my think I’ll activate Operation Fuck Up Vile Bitch’s Life.”
The bed started shaking because Deke’s body was shaking because he was laughing.