“No. Do you like to be silent sometimes?” Borne might be a person, but he was a difficult person, because he probed everything.
“Is silence because of a wrong mind?” Borne asked.
“Silence is golden.”
“You mean because it’s made of light?”
“How do you even speak with no mouth?” I asked, but not without affection.
“Because I’m not in my right mind?”
“Right mind. Wrong mouth.”
“Is no mouth a wrong mouth?”
“No mouth is…” But I couldn’t stop from erupting into giggles.
*
I saw these conversations as Borne playful. But really it was a youthful, still-forming mind that couldn’t yet communicate complex concepts through language. Part of why Borne couldn’t is that his senses worked differently than mine. He had to learn what that meant, at the same time he had to navigate the human world through me. The confusion of that, of finding unity in that, of basically becoming trilingual while living in the world of human beings, was very difficult. Always, as long as we knew each other, Borne was offering up so many approximations, so many near misses on what he meant that might have meant other things.
Much later, when I realized this, I went back over our conversations in my memory, to see if I could translate them into some other meaning. But it was too late. They are what they are. They mean what they meant, and I know I misremember some of them anyway—and that pains me.
*
The last night before I would have to go out scavenging again, Wick came to check on me. It was perfunctory during this phase of our relationship, a duty and an obligation. Borne went into what he would later call, jokingly, “dumb mode” or “sucking in your gut.” He drew in his eyes, got small, waddled to a corner, and sat there, immobile and mute.
“How are you?” Wick asked from the doorway. The intensity of shadow hollowed out his cheekbones, and I felt as if I were being approached by a concept, an abstraction.
“Good, thanks,” I said.
“You’ll be okay tomorrow.”
“Yes,” I replied although he’d not asked a question.
Wick lingered there for a moment, eyes glinting like mineral chips, holding himself apart, distant. I didn’t like to see him hurt by me, but I was stuck. He didn’t have to be so adamant about Borne—that was his fault—and I said nothing more. So he receded from me, back into the corridor, perhaps to go shove a memory beetle in his ear.
Wick receded; Borne blossomed. That was the way of it in those days—and in those days, too, the situation in the city had changed, and strange things were flourishing and familiar ones withering.
Since I’d last been outside, the Magician had become a major force in the city. She now held an area in the northwest starting roughly in a line extending out from where the Company building’s jurisdiction ended on the city’s southern edge. A growing army of acolytes helped make her drugs and protected her territory against Mord and others; Wick had only his peculiar swimming pool, the bastion of the Balcony Cliffs, a scavenger-woman who could make traps but kept secrets from him, and a creature of unknown potential that he desired to cast out.
Worse, the rumored Mord proxies had finally made their presence known and seemed more bloodthirsty than their progenitor. They knew no rule of law, not even the natural law of sleep. Upon their appearance, as if there were some collusion between the proxies and the Company, Mord spent several days huffing and puffing in front of the Company building. Under his uncertain aegis, the Company building was becoming more and more unstable and unsafe. Mord would sleep in front of it, and then other times he would forget his seeming role as protector and absentmindedly butt into the walls with his broad head. We could see that people still lived in the top levels, under siege in a way as they were reduced to serving Mord’s whims—while rumors came to us that beneath them, in the Company’s deepest levels, no one ruled at all.
Despite these dangers, Wick had given me no refuge. We had an agreement and I had to begin to honor my side of it again. I would go forth and scavenge. I didn’t know if that was a mercy or a cruelty, or where that impulse came from in Wick. I didn’t care. It was time to get out of bed.
When Wick had gone, Borne extended a tendril of an arm, to take one of my hands in his own “hand.” A reasonable facsimile, if a little damp.
“Rachel?”
“What, Borne?”
“Do you remember what I said about the white light?”
“Yes.”
“Part of me had a nightmare about it while your friend was here.”
I checked myself from asking all of the questions I could have asked.
Part of me?
Just now you were asleep?
You have dreams?
I had learned that when Borne used this tone of voice he was about to trust me, was sharing something important.
“What kind of nightmare?” I asked. How did he know the word nightmare? I hadn’t taught it to him; he hadn’t used it before.
“I was in a dark place. Only it was filled with light. I was alone. Only there were others like me. I was dead. We were all … dead.”
“Not alive?” Sometimes Borne said that something was dead if it didn’t move, like a chair. Or a hat.
“Not alive.”
“Like a heaven or a hell?”
“Rachel.” Said with soft admonishment. “Rachel, I don’t know what those things are.”
I didn’t know, either. How could I know, talking to a cheery monster, living in a hole in the ground, among too many broken things? I laughed as much to dispel that thought as because anything was funny.
“Never mind. It’s ‘religion,’ which I can teach you … never.” My parents hadn’t been religious, and I’d learned from the Mord cults that religion in the city wasn’t about hope or redemption but about tempting death.
“Okay,” Borne said, and his eyes formed a kind of reproachful smile. “I don’t always understand, Rachel. I love you, but I don’t understand.”
Love? He’d just admitted he didn’t know about heaven and hell. What could he know from love? I pushed forward, past it.
“And what happened next?”
“I tried to wake up. I tried to wake us all up. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I was dead. That’s the word: dead. And I needed to wake up because a door was opening.”
“Door” to Borne could, again, mean many things that were not doors.
“What happened when the door opened?” I asked.
“They would make me go through the door. I don’t want to go through the door, and not just because I am dead.”
“What’s on the other side of the door?” I asked.
All of Borne’s many eyes turned toward me, like rows of distant, glittering stars against the deep purple earth tones of his skin. For the first time in a long time I felt as if I didn’t know him.
“Because I am dead, I do not know what is on the other side of the door.”
That is all that he would say.