Don’t think about it.
With a ragged breath, she pushed herself up. “What happened?”
“We took a hit on our way out. Fera’s working on it. At least they didn’t knock out the drive.”
Ember narrowed her gaze at the way Jay said that. “What did they knock out?”
“Life support.”
“Oh goodie! Just what we can do without!”
Jay laughed. “Yeah, I know. I swear, if we get out of this and make it home, I’m grabbing my kids and my husband, and we’re grounded for a while. I’m done with these risks. I don’t care how much cred we’re making.”
Ember couldn’t blame her for the sentiment. But it only worked for those who had family they could get to.
For her? It was a burning shot to her heart, as it reminded her that she had no one waiting at the Cyperian StarStation base to welcome her return.
She’d been forced by a madman to give up her family in order to keep them safe. She didn’t even know where her sisters were. Ember couldn’t afford to. Barnabas had wasted no effort trying to run her down and end her. To end everyone she loved.
It was what had made her Tavali. They kept her moving.
And alive.
Jay adjusted the band around her insanely bright, fluorescent red hair. In total contradiction to the Gorturnum Tavali rule book that specified an all-black battlesuit whenever they were flying missions, Jay wore one of yellow and red. But then, given that her sister was their vice admiral and the second-highest-ranking member of their Nation, she could get away with a lot of things no one else could.
The lights came up, signaling that their engineer had succeeded in saving their lives.
Again.
Jay let out an audible breath of relief. “All right, ladies,” she said over the intercom for every one on their all female crew. “We’re going home, and after this near-death experience, I’m taking time off. Those of you who don’t want to take liberty, submit your names to my sister on our return and she’ll reassign you to active crews. But after this … I’m done for a bit.”
She paused to study Ember. “You all right, Major?”
Ember rubbed at the lump on her head and winced, wishing she could be with her loved ones. Especially a certain male someone. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Yet they both knew she was lying. She hadn’t been okay in a long, long time.
Jay patted her on the arm before she headed for the helm.
Ember had never been a covetous person, but right then as she listened to the excited pirate Tavali crew beginning to make plans for their extended vacations with their loved ones, she felt so alone and isolated. She envied them.
Had she said yes that night to Bastien as she should have, she’d have been married, too, and living a life with her husband and children.
Crossing her arms over her chest, she pretended for just a second that she had Bastien with her again. Stupid, she knew. She’d kill Bastien if he were here.
Beat him until he bled for being so reckless and stupid as to not have seen Barnabas’s treachery. For such a worldly, surly bastard, Bas had always been incredibly innocent. Always seen the best in people. That was what she loved most about him. He’d given everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Even the ones who didn’t deserve it.
And in all these years, she’d never found anyone who’d treated her with the love and regard he had. No one had respected her more or given her such devotion.
How could I have been so blind? In her own way, she’d been even more naive than he had.
It was too easy to take things for granted when they were right in front of your face. Especially when they were people. She’d assumed he’d always be here. That love like his would be easy to find again. Her parents had loved like that. Tasi and Cin did.… How stupid she was.
She’d allowed her own fears to override her joy, and her ability to see how much she relied on him. Cut his heart out when he offered it to her, and she knew it. Then instead of trying to save what they’d had, she’d ruthlessly ignored his attempts to reconcile and shut him out more. She’d let her fears, anger, and hurt get in the way of her happiness.
Now it was too late.
Bastien’s dead.
Swallowing against the pain and grief that threatened to knock her down, she rubbed at the locket that held the last bit of him she had. And wished for things she knew could never be again.
While their high admiral kept them officially out of the Sentella–League War, Trajen couldn’t keep his crews out of danger. The League didn’t differentiate between the Nations. To them, one Tavali was all Tavali.
Of course, that was the Tavalian code. Still, this was a long way from being over. She’d left one war behind only to fall headfirst into another.
Only this time, she had no idea what she was fighting for.