Once she’s steadied her breath, she reaches over and pats his hand gently. “Hey,” she whispers back.
He nods, watching her closely, and for a second there’s the tension of wondering whether he’ll grip her shoulder or her knee, or try to comfort her in some other physical way that might spin quickly out of control given the emotions already roiling inside her. And this tension, however unpleasant, is a delicious contrast to everything she was feeling just moments before.
“So, um, no on the water?” he asks with a smile.
“I really appreciate the offer,” she whispers.
“It still stands whenever you’re ready. Or thirsty.”
“Luke?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you do?”
“What do you mean?”
“When you walked out of that meeting with . . . What was his name? The agent who tried to—”
“Rohm. Agent Rohm.”
“What did you do when you walked out of that meeting? I mean, you must have felt like your life was over, right? The life you’d planned anyway . . . How did you keep from . . . I don’t know . . . giving up?”
“I made the choice in the middle,” he says.
“The choice in the middle? Is that like a Buddhist thing?”
“Maybe. I wouldn’t know. What I know is moments like that suck because you feel like there are only two choices, and they’re both horrible. On the right, you go after the person who’s kicked your teeth out until you’ve destroyed your life trying to destroy them. And on the left, you give up completely. Find some cheap-ass apartment and some bullshit punch-the-clock job, and drink your feelings away in your spare time. Or smoke weed, if that’s your thing.”
“Is it your thing?”
“No. Hate the smell.”
“So Altamira Sheriff’s. That was the choice in the middle?”
“Yeah. I mean, it’s not complete surrender. But it’s not exactly revenge, either.”
She nods. She likes his logic, and she likes the phrase.
The choice in the middle . . .
When the idea comes to her, she flushes from head to toe, and for a second or two, she wonders if the drug has kicked into gear, if the accumulation of stress has triggered it in some new, residual way. But when she grips the door handle next to her, it doesn’t crack or bend or warp. This really is just adrenaline. The adrenaline rush of someone who’s just seen a narrow band of light resolve at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
“Drive,” she says.
“Where to?”
“The library. Like we planned.”
Luke starts the Jeep.
She stares at the road ahead. Just a glance into Luke’s eyes might turn her sudden burst of confidence to dust. It’s crazy, this idea. It’s absolutely crazy, but it’s got something else wrapped through it, something that felt entirely elusive just seconds before. Hope. Not for complete freedom, but for some version of it. Hope that she might be able to disrupt Dylan’s plan to send her out into the world as his guinea pig, if not spin it to her advantage. To someone’s advantage.
She’s not sure how much time has passed when Luke says, “Are you gonna tell me what—”
“No. Not till we get there. I may have reconsidered by then anyway.”
“OK.”
“We’ll still talk to Bailey no matter what, but . . . I just need to think for a little bit.”
“I got it. I’ll just drive. I love driving.” But he doesn’t sound like someone who loves driving. He sounds like someone holding in a belch with every muscle in his body.
Golden fields. Rolling hills. Glimpses of sparkling lakes. It’s beautiful country, but the last leg of their little road trip feels interminable all of a sudden, and she’s shifting in her seat by the time they’re coming down out of the hills and into Paso Robles, Altamira’s classier big sister. This is where they came to see first-run movies in a nice, comfy theater when Charley was a girl—when Trina was a girl—the place they’d drive to for dinners so fancy she and Luanne would have to wear sundresses and sandals. Ah, California!
On the outside, the library looks modern and immaculate; sandstone walls banded with strips of red brick. The roof’s a cluster of pyramids covered in a kind of weathered green metal that reminds her of statues from ancient Rome. After her time in the sterile safe house and the seemingly endless twenty minutes she spent inside that repulsive roadside bar, the library’s clean, hushed interior feels like an oasis of comfort and safety.
She’d expected doubt to set in by now. Instead she feels the opposite. Her confidence builds with every step they take toward the computer lab, a double-sided row of private carrels in the middle of a shelf-filled book room, which, to her relief, is almost devoid of other people.
Luke allows her to take a seat at a carrel on the end, then pulls a chair up behind her.
If he’s losing patience with her silence, he’s managed not to show it.
The chat room welcomes her with a bare-bones layout; yellow bands on each side and dialogue flowing in languages she doesn’t recognize. Most of them Eastern European, she’s sure. She clicks on the tab that allows her to set up an instant free profile.
“Go in hot,” Luke whispers. “Remember?”
“Burning Girl isn’t exactly anonymous,” she whispers back. “Especially given current circumstances.”
“I agree. But I figure whatever name you pick, it’s gotta stand out. This thing has private messaging, right? I don’t figure he’s gonna want to hash this out in the main chat room.”
“Nah, he probably won’t.”
In the entry blank for her username she types, flamingmanureguylover.
Luke’s attempt to control his laughter turns into a little eruption of huffing breaths.
“It’s hot and it’s partly about him,” she whispers, “so I figure’ll it get his attention.”
Second later, an invite to a private chat pops up from msstocktonpresents666.
“Ms. Stockton?” Luke whispers. “What does that mean?”
“Our European history teacher. Remember? We talked about it back at your place.”
“Wow. He really was listening to everything.”
She accepts the invite, and a private chat room opens.
U have a good memory, Bailey writes.
She lifts her fingers to the keyboard.
It was a pretty good joke. Looks like you’ve graduated to bigger stuff now, she types.
Next to her, Luke gives off the energy of a coiled snake.
Big bro with you?
Yes, she types.
Tell him I’m sorry.
She lets these words sit on the screen.
Tell him he should have taken Rohm’s deal. Tell him there was never anything he could have given feds on me. I wouldn’t have put him in that position.
The breath leaves Luke so quickly she’s afraid it’s the first sign of a groan that might draw the attention of the librarian at the nearby information desk. He growls under his breath, runs his hands back through his hair.
“Tell him to go to hell,” he whispers.
“Really?” she asks.
“No.”
Guess that didn’t go over well, comes the response.
“Ask him if he’s somewhere safe,” Luke whispers.
She complies.
Yes, comes the response, very far away, safer for you if you don’t know where.
“Tell him that’s the truth because when I see him again, I’m gonna wring his neck,” Luke says.
“Really?”
“He’s better with that kind of thing than actual concern. Actual concern makes him feel . . . confined.”
Charlotte types in the response exactly as Luke worded it.
The response comes without a pause. ; ) “See?” Luke asks.
What’s your story, Burning Girl? Sounds like you’re in big trouble, too.
A minute later, her hands are still resting on her lap, and she hasn’t typed anything in response.
“Charley?” Luke whispers. “Are you going to tell him?”
??? appears on-screen a few seconds later.
Still here, she types, just give me a sec.
“He won’t believe me,” she finally says.
“I believed you.”
“You could see me. He can’t. He can’t look into my eyes and know I’m telling the truth.”
And you still haven’t seen it in action, she thinks. So you don’t really understand, either.