I wasn’t crying outright, but enough moisture had gathered under my eyes for him to wipe away with his thumb.
“I got pregnant. Naturally, right? And he wasn’t so nice. He asked me how many guys I’d been with, only he didn’t even say it that nice because I wasn’t a virgin at all. And he told me to take care of it, but it wasn’t his problem. I didn’t know what to do. If I told my parents, they’d take me out of the school, and it was the only chance I had to be normal. And I had no friends to talk to or ask what to do. In Texas they have all these rules about getting an abortion. The clinics are so far away, and there’re waiting periods. So I begged Tyler for help. He got an address from one of his friends and took me. He didn’t wait because he had football practice. It wouldn’t have changed anything if he had anyway. It was some lady’s house. I sat alone, waiting, thinking that’s what I get for dreaming about a big wedding. As if I could be normal and have all the things everyone with a real home had.”
“You can have—”
I cut him off. I wasn’t done and the next part was critical.
“The lady was nice. She was a nurse I think, and she meant well. I’m sure she did. But it was a mess. A real mess.”
A bloody mess. A mess of tears and tubes and needles. My parents surprised me with their understanding and love, but none of that could heal what had been broken inside me.
“Anyway,” I said, swallowing a bunch of gunk. “It all went wrong. I can’t have my own children.”
Brad leaned back and snapped a tissue out of the box on the night table. I reached for it, but he held it away and only when I put my arm down did he hold it over my nose to wipe the sobs away.
“That’s a crime,” he said tenderly.
“I guess. Tyler surprised me by not being a dick about it. We stayed together until the end of the year, but he cheated on me a week before he left for Tech.”
I’d surprised myself by not caring.
“Yeah, well,” I continued after clearing my throat, “now you know why I play it safe all the time. You shouldn’t need the universe to tell you twice.”
He pulled me to him and put his forehead to mine.
“That’s quite a story, Cara-bean. I’m sorry that happened to you.”
Before I could answer, he kissed me gently, tenderly. I breathed it in. So good. Everything about it was a comfort. A temporary, facile, convenient comfort I couldn’t get used to, because it didn’t change anything.
Nicole stretched and Brad and I separated, laughing quietly. She turned around and nuzzled her father as if she was afraid of him leaving. She was the most perfect safety net.
“She’s right.” He patted Nicole. “I think I met a hundred pretty girls today.” He brushed hair from his daughter’s face. “Some were even qualified for your job. But I didn’t want them. I’m not even talking about fu—” He stopped himself before dropping an f-bomb in front of her. Good man. “They all had one thing in common.” He looked up at me. “They weren’t you.”
I didn’t breathe. I was too confused. I couldn’t stay his daughter’s nanny. It was a trap. He was wrong for me. Too much partying. Too busy with his job. He’d never be faithful or stable. But I wanted him, and I’d never have him if I stayed.
I was aware of the contradiction, but I wanted him.
“This is a mess,” I whispered. “If I stay with Nicole, this is off-limits. You and I. We don’t exist. We can never exist. And I can’t be here with you guys and be around you anymore. It’s too hard.”
“We’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t see how.”
“You have to trust me.” He touched my cheek again. “I have it under control.”
“You’re pretty confident.” My eyes fluttered closed. I didn’t know what I was saying; I just wanted him to keep stroking my face and neck all night long.
“I’m going to find a way to have you,” he said. “I don’t do halfway. Ask anyone. I’m all-in, all the time. And it’s you, Cara DuMont. I want all of you. You feel right to me. Everything about you. Your voice, your face, that body. That body.”
He bit his lower lip. I wished I could photograph the moment I felt like his world. No one else. Nothing else. Just me. I spent so many days being an invisible force in people’s lives that his full attention was as uncomfortable as it was arousing. We spent long seconds doing nothing but looking at each other in the night light. He became something more than the player, the partier, the brilliant but unmoored talent.
“If my daughter wasn’t in this bed, you’d be moaning so loud.”
“Let me find another job.”
“And then?”
“You’ll have to make good on those promises, southern boy.”
“You’ve got yourself a deal.”
We were up hours after that, sharing jokes, touching what we could safely reach. I think I slept a little, but for the first time since I took the job, I didn’t have a vivid dream of his body next to mine.
CHAPTER 39
CARA
“I told West Side Nannies I’d take anything,” I said to Brad while braiding Nicole’s hair at the breakfast table. “So I have to get over there.”
Brad wore shorts and sandals. Nothing extraordinary except the shape they covered. His sunglasses were already pushed to the top of his head, and he hadn’t even left the house yet.
“But, today? You had to jump so fast?”
I was annoyed that he was annoyed. He’d seemed so urgent about it the day before, and now I couldn’t tell if he was vacillating or if he just didn’t get it.
I didn’t want to seek clarity in front of Nicole, so I just braided her hair while she ate her cereal and hummed to herself. He watched me. Full eye contact. Tapping his foot.
“Daddy,” Nicole said matter-of-factly as she pointed at the top of her head, “watch Miss Cara. See how she does it?”
Perfect time to change the subject.
“Look,” I said. He stood hip to hip with me, his foot pushing against mine, shoulders touching. “You start at the top with three strands and gather more as you go.”
“You sure have nice fingers,” he said with a thick southern accent.
“Watch the hair.” I went quickly. “Over. Catch. Over. Catch. See?”
“Are you going to take a picture with the princesses?” Nicole asked. Neither one of us answered. Nicole looked up at me, almost pulling the end of the braid away.
“I’m not going today.” I finished off my work with a little blue elastic.
Her face went from excited to distressed.
“Why?”
“I have to meet some friends.”
I waited but got no help from Brad. He could be a real jerk sometimes. Like when his daughter wasn’t going to get what she wanted. Note to self.
Nicole put on a sulk, turned to her dad, then back to me.
“Why can’t they come?”
“They won’t fit in the helicopter,” Brad said. Well, that was an answer at least. It wasn’t going to work but he tried.