Logan bristled slightly and I lifted my gaze. He was staring at me. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “Why did you break up?” he asked.
I wasn’t ready to share that part of me—the most broken part—so I shook my head. “Things just didn’t work out,” was all I said. I wanted to finish this, to tell him what I was feeling for him, but he had to understand me first. “After Charlie was out of my life, I started searching for what it was about sex that could turn someone into the monster my father was. My sister was afraid of my father and even though she always warned me to be quiet on those nights I’d woken up, there were times I couldn’t stand to hear my mother cry or to hear my father’s demanding voice. And during those times, I’d scream and scream and scream until my father marched in the room and whipped me with his belt. I didn’t care, though, because after he was done with me, he’d also leave my mother alone.”
Logan drew in a breath before he pulled me to him. I wanted to shrug him off, but not as much as I wanted to feel the safety in his arms. He kissed my forehead. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”
Baby?
No one had ever called me by that term of endearment. The strength I had gathered was starting to weaken and I jumped out of his hold and to my feet. “I want to finish.”
Although he paled, he nodded in understanding.
I walked to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. I could feel his eyes on me the entire time, but I never looked back. Busying myself in the kitchen, I was allowing my strength to build. Once the coffee was done and I’d poured us each a cup, I felt much stronger. Turning back toward him, I could see that his eyes were filled with sympathy and something else.
I didn’t want that.
He took the cup I offered him and then I sat down next to him, with my own cup in hand. My hands were shaking, but I ignored it and took a sip of my coffee.
Clearing my throat, I finally continued. “Up until I moved here three months ago, that was who I was. A single woman who didn’t really care that much about sex but was searching for answers, so I pursued it from time to time.”
Logan tried to remain undaunted, but I could see the muscle in his jaw clench.
I set my cup down. “I’m only telling you this so that you can understand me.”
He nodded in understanding and then he opened his mouth, “Elle, I should—” He stopped, paused, drew in a breath, and then took a sip from his cup. “Never mind, go on.”
I did. “Last night when I was with you, that changed. For the first time ever, I felt alive. Involved. Not removed. I wanted to feel everything. I didn’t have to go through the motions. And even when you spoke, I was okay with it. At times, I liked it.”
Logan looked stunned. Uncertain.
I knew I should clarify. Let him know I wasn’t declaring my love or laying claim to him. “Please, don’t worry. It doesn’t mean anything more other than I really enjoyed having sex with you.”
The corners of his mouth tipped up.
A shiver slowly danced down my spine at the same time a wave of embarrassment crashed over me. Heat worked its way up my body, flaming all the way to my fingers and toes, until I couldn’t take another minute of his focus and covered and my eyes. “See, I’m crazy.”
Through my fingers, I saw him set his cup next to mine. Standing, he emptied his pockets and removed his gun, and then I felt him move closer to me. The air was thick and laced with so much of whatever it was that traveled between us. But he didn’t make the moment sexual. Instead, he pulled my fingers from my face and entwined them in his. When he spoke, his voice was soft, calm. “You’re not crazy. I feel this thing too. I don’t know what it is, but please don’t tell me I fucked it up.”
I shook my head. “Why would you still want to be with someone like me? I’m weak and pathetic.”
His fingers squeezed mine. Not roughly. More like passionately. “Don’t ever say that. Don’t even think it. You’re a strong woman who has been through a lot.”
My tears started again. “But I’m not. I’m broken and I can’t be fixed.” I almost told him the rest of my story, but I just couldn’t. Not now. Not today.
Logan’s lips found mine and he kissed me lightly. “You’re not broken,” he whispered.
I nodded, letting him know I was.
He kissed me again. “You’re not.”
He did it over and over, and eventually I started to believe him.
Maybe if I pushed that one part of me aside, I could be whole.
Even if it was only for a little while, I’d take it.
DAY 4
LOGAN
Headlights shined in the window.
My eyes scanned the two circles of white that dissolved into the darkness. Stuck somewhere between alertness and grogginess, it took me a moment to figure out where I was.
Elle’s.
Fuck!
Instantly, I snapped awake.