Francois stepped back and nodded to me. While normally those outside the family would never be allowed to speak at memorials such as this, they'd agreed that Felix's offer of marriage and my acceptance made me family in their eyes. Charani looked over and gave me a small smile of support, holding her sister's hand.
I set the violin case down on the ground, unlatching the cover and withdrawing the instrument. I had fine-tuned it that morning, rosining the bow and making sure everything was ready before taking it out. Now, withdrawing it, I saw Francois's eyes open in surprise. He hadn’t been conscious for most of the day before, recovering from his coronation. Even when he was awake, he had to lie on his stomach, making sure there was no pressure on the wounds. In any case, he didn’t know what I was going to do. The violin case had been hidden underneath the black cloak that I wore on top of my dress, and he led the procession, not seeing me for most of the time.
I blinked, the old emotions coming back to me as they had the day before next to the river. When I'd thought about what to do, music was how I spoke best. It was through music that I could express my heart, whereas words would fail in my mouth. Looking at the strings, I made sure to keep the picture of Felix in my vision as I laid my bow on the A string, ready for the first note.
I knew I wanted to do a hymn, but I wasn’t quite sure which. I didn't want to come off as false, I wanted to speak purely to Felix, the rest of the world be damned. Nearer My God To Thee and others I knew by heart, I'd played them so often growing up that the notes were ingrained in my brain, but I wanted something better for him. Thinking, sitting next to the river the day before, I settled on two choices, both of which I had learned years before. Knowing I would only have the emotional strength for one, I practiced both, placing what faith I could in the knowledge that I'd make the right decision as time drew shorter.
I drew my bow down, the first notes of the violin arrangement short and staccato, low and haunting over the quiet assembly. John Williams may have composed it, but the arrangement was all mine. I'd originally done it over a decade earlier, when the memories of 9/11 were still strong in the country and patriotism ran high. Hymn For The Fallen may have been written mostly for horns — a staple of Williams — but I'd done it first for a memorial service, and once again reached for it.
I don't know if anyone else there knew what the hell I was playing, but it didn't matter. My eyes were on the image of Felix as I poured everything I could into the playing. When the last note drifted away, my cheeks were wet with tears, the chin rest of the violin also wet. I took the instrument and laid it on the memorial, touching Felix's picture. "I love you, Felix."
Syeira spoke next in just Romani, her grief coming through clear even in the unknown language. She couldn't speak long, just a minute before the emotions overtook her, and she stepped back, unable to continue without making a scene. Despite the image of Romani women being fiery and passionate, Syeira conducted herself with the restraint of a born aristocrat. She stepped back, letting her sister lay a comforting arm around her shoulders.
The words concluded and Francois knelt at his brother's memorial, taking from his pocket the lighter he had within. A few moments later, the smoke started to climb from the base of the memorial as it became a pyre, everything burning in the hungry flames. We waited through it all, silence reigning.
As we walked back to the house, Francois took my hand. "I need you," he whispered, his voice thick with want and sadness-tinged desire. I stopped, letting the rest of the group continue on, and looked up at him. His throat worked, and he looked up at the sky before continuing. "I know it’s wrong to want you so badly after what we just did. But the best memories I have of Felix are with you. There was no other time when we've been closer."
I nodded. Maybe nobody in the world would understand. Maybe his mother and aunt would think we were committing sacrilege, but in my heart, I knew the truth. We would make our own memorial to Felix, in our own way.
"Meet me in the barn in ten minutes."
Chapter 31
Felix
After dinner, I cleared the dishes for Mistress. "Very good, my pet," she praised me, stroking her fingers down my arm. Her silken touch caused my skin to break out in gooseflesh, and I shivered in joy. "And you ate with such restraint. I would’ve thought after so much exercise, you'd have taken the lamb and gnawed it like a hungry beast.”
"Not at all," I said. “It was amazing, and I wanted to savor it.”
She gave me a smile. "Now, go wash up the dishes, and if you’re back within fifteen minutes, I’ll reward you.”