“So did you just walk away?”
“David set you down and went into the other room. Probably to find a condom. I came in and you and I argued. You tried to tell me there was a good reason, you begged me to forgive you. Like, there could be a reason for that. I shoved you to the floor. You were screaming. David separated us and told me I had to leave, it was dangerous to stay. Like, you know, there was something else going on. I told the two of you that you deserved each other. I left.”
“You texted Trevor.”
“I knew about you two. I thought maybe sweet, dumb football player ought to know you were putting out for David but not for him. And I texted David’s dad. Just so his parents would stop worrying about where you were, since you clearly weren’t studying.”
“Then what?”
“I left. I went home and cried into my pillow because of all the love and friendship I’d wasted on a whore like you and the love I’d wasted on a jerk like David.”
“Where was the crowbar?”
“What?”
“The crowbar we bought.”
“I have no damn idea, and who cares?” Now the heat was back in her voice. “Are you going to shoot me? Now you know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this?”
Kamala stared at her. “Why should I? You killed David. You took him from me and then you killed him.”
“I wonder what people would think of you if they knew you planted that note,” Jane said softly. “It’s the kind of thing that spreads fast, like that video of Perri Hall attacking me. ‘Honors Student Frames Accident as Suicide Attempt in Revenge Plot.’ I wonder if the police would like to know how much you interfered with the investigation.” She wanted to scream, to beat Kamala, and she couldn’t. She hid behind the calm in her own voice. “I mean, I was hurt so badly in the crash, you just had to be sure I was hurt even more. Punished even more. Who does that? How did you look at yourself in the mirror?”
Kamala didn’t answer, because the answer was too awful.
“‘Best friends forever,’” Kamala said. “That was a mistake.”
Their mutual betrayals lay between them like a stone wall that could almost be seen.
“The gun is empty,” Jane said. “I didn’t bring any bullets for it. But I know where the bullets are. And maybe I’m crazy enough to use them, because right now it is taking everything I have not to beat you senseless. What I did was wrong, and I’m truly sorry, but it was between you and me. You let the world think the worst of me and then you offered me a shoulder. You made a lie out of what little life I had left. There’s something deeply wrong with you, and that means a lot coming from a wreck like me. You stay away from me. And from my mother.” Jane turned and walked out, the gun feeling like a weight in her hand.
*
She had been to Bettina’s apartment once in the time she’d been living in Adam’s dorm room. She knocked, hoping he’d just come here.
Bettina, the German graduate student, opened the door, face bleary with sleep.
“Hi, Bettina,” she said. “I’m sorry to bother you so late, but is Adam here? I need to speak with him.”
“Why would Adam be here?” Her accent was heavy and she sounded angry.
“Because he’s your boyfriend.”
“He dumped me. Because of you.”
“Me?”
“Don’t play like you don’t know.”
“I promise you I don’t.”
“Well, he’s not here, and he’ll never be here again, because he’s obsessed with you.”
“That’s not so.” Adam was her friend. He wasn’t more than that. But then she thought: the looks he’d given her, the time just tonight he’d taken her hand. Support or something more?
“You can have him, Jane.” And she shut the door.
46
JANE DROVE TREVOR’S truck back to his house. The easygoing party had wound down; only a few people remained. Trevor met her at the door and said, “What’s wrong?” and she said, “I can’t go home right now. Can I just sit out in the backyard? Alone?” She wished her voice sounded stronger. She had felt like her legs would give way on the way back to his truck.
He nodded. She went and sat under the stars and watched the spill of the bright lights across the black sky. The party noise, now down to only a bit of stray laughter, went quiet; she realized Trevor must be easing the few remaining guests out. She sat there, sick with her own betrayal of her friend, sick with Kamala’s retaliation against her, sick with the thought that Adam felt about her in a way she couldn’t return. If only I hadn’t been with David. If only David and I had made a better choice. A more thoughtful choice. If only Kamala had forgiven me. If only she had never found out. If only Adam had just told me. All the possibilities, all the decisions, all the twists of fate. Life, with a hundred different paths.
Nana came out, walked over to her, and gave her a hug as Jane stood. For a second Jane thought he’d told Nana everything, but then she knew he wouldn’t. Nana said, “I’m glad you came here, sweetie. I hope you have a good night.” And then she went back inside the house.
After a few minutes Trevor came back out. He carried a beer and a bottle of water. He offered both, but she took the water. He sat next to her.
She said nothing, dreading him asking questions, but he said nothing. She had never been so relieved to have a guy be silent, just letting her be.
“I made a mess of everything,” she finally said. “Even before David died.”
“I should have stayed home that night. Waited for you to tell me what was happening. But David was one of my best friends and you were…I just needed to know.”
“Why did you even like me?” She kicked at the dirt.
“I’ve always liked you. Ever since you took down that big-bowed girl for making fun of me and my incredibly fashionable husky jeans.” He wasn’t looking at her.
She laughed. She couldn’t help herself. “Yeah. Mr. Cool Football player and Miss Dressed All in Black.”
“Right, I’m so cool I ask my nana to cook for my parties. It’s a level of cool many dream of but few achieve.”
“Smart move, it wasn’t nearly as messy as it should have been. Could I sleep on your couch tonight?”
Now he glanced at her. “Sure. But why?”
“Well, Adam has a roommate now, so that’s no longer an option. And I think he left here because he’s mad I was talking to you.” Trevor said nothing to that, and she didn’t want to talk about Adam, so she continued: “I’ve learned just how awful Kamala and I have treated each other. I don’t feel like going back to my house and confronting my mother about the miscarriage she kept from me. I just don’t feel up to it.”
“Yeah.”
“What will Nana think?”
“She’s gone to her sister’s house and my dad’s in Dallas at a conference this weekend. It’s just us here.” He didn’t look at her, he didn’t try to freight the words with meaning.
Finally, she said, “I know I asked you for help tomorrow. But it could be really dangerous and now I don’t think you should be involved.”