“Because they’re handing control of the QZ over to the Marvins.”
I stood there dumbstruck, my mouth hanging open, as Greer rejoined the kids.
“Okay, people! It’s mambo time. Astrid, your team’s up! Eliot! Let’s get some music going!”
Eliot pressed play on the radio, but I could barely hear it. It was as if I were a mile underwater. The Guard was pulling out? Gonzalez was leaving? It didn’t seem possible. He would have said something. He would have warned us. Greer must have misunderstood.
There was a rustle of tree branches as the green-haired girl left the woods and hurried past me toward the cabins.
“Hey, if you want some help getting settled, I can—”
Halfway there, she veered away and started up the trail that led into the woods above the camp. My knife was still in her hand, slicing at the air as her arm swung back and forth. A second later, she was gone.
Astrid called out over the music. “Ready, everybody? Let’s go!”
The dance started. Greer had pulled Ren and Makela off to the side by the dining hall. He was down on one knee explaining something as the two kids nodded. When he was done, he sent them back to the game and looked at me across the camp. His gray eyes were icy.
7
SOMETIMES, WHEN I didn’t know what else to do, I ran.
The first few weeks after the outbreak I felt like my head was going to explode right off my shoulders. But then I remembered something you said about being on the cross-country team. I’d asked if running that far hurt, and you said that was the point—that the pain wiped every other thought out of your head. Every worry. Every doubt. Every fear. As if the whole world fell away, and all that was left was you and the course.
It was three o’clock in the morning the first time I tried it. I grabbed a flashlight and left camp, running until my legs ached and my lungs burned. It was just like you said. The outbreak. Mom and Dad. You. It all left me in a rush. It was nearly dawn when I came back to my tent and collapsed, feet bleeding and body drenched in sweat. I slept through the night for the first time in weeks.
The night I brought the green-haired girl to camp I ran until the muscles in my legs felt like they were filled with broken glass. But no matter how hard I drove my feet into the ground, I couldn’t knock everything that had happened that day out of my head. It was too much. Seeing Mom. Finding the girl. Fighting with Greer. The Guard leaving—actually leaving—and handing the QZ over to a bunch of strangers.
I pushed double hard up the last incline and made it to the reservoir, where I collapsed. Once I caught my breath, I cupped my hands and splashed water on my face and through my hair, then sat back on my heels. The reservoir was vast, with shimmers of moonlight skating across its surface. A fire from one of our neighbors’ camps flickered on the opposite shore. The only sounds were the chittering of crickets and the lap of the water.
I swear to God, Tenn, I thought. There isn’t a single day, a single second, when I don’t wish you were here. You’d know what to say to Greer, and what to do about the green-haired girl and the Guard and the kids at Joseph’s Point.
I picked up a rock and threw it out into the water. There was a soft splash and then quiet.
You’d know what to do about Mom.
I saw her standing in that alleyway again, the sunlight on her skin. I wondered where she was right then. It didn’t look like anybody had been staying at our place. Was she at the Guard shelter, jammed together with men like Tommasulo? Squatting in some abandoned house? Wherever she was, could it be possible that she was staring into the dark and wondering about me, just like I was about her?
I threw another rock, harder this time. Even if she was, I thought, it wouldn’t make any difference. The truth—the truth we all pretended not to know—was that Lassiter’s was fatal in all cases. The woman I saw in that alley looked like Mom and sounded like Mom, but Mom was dead and gone. Even if she went to the Guard and got her name back, it wouldn’t mean a damn thing to her.
The moon fell behind some clouds, turning the surface of the lake into a black plain. I thought about how cold it must be at the bottom, and how dark. I wondered what it would be like to be down there.
Would it be like that winter night in Brooklyn when the heat went out in our building? Remember? Mom and Dad dressed us in every stitch of clothing we owned and then buried us in blankets and quilts and old sweaters. At the bottom of all of that, there wasn’t any sound and there wasn’t any light, just this warm darkness wrapping itself around us. Would sinking to the bottom of the reservoir be like that? Peaceful and still?
An owl hooted, then flew from tree to tree. The moon had arced over my head and was starting to fall. How long had I been there? I took a last look at the water and then made my way through the dark to my tent.
When I got back, Greer was waiting for me.
8