The pain I kept suppressed in a little box in my heart welled over the sides and I started to rock back and forth, holding myself, trying to push back the angry tears.
“I still loved him, even more than before because he had saved me. Tom had used every ounce of his power to summon the warrior—she owed him a favor—to make certain I escaped. Time in the Barrow moved indeterminably and when I left, it was as though only a day had passed for me. Twenty years, but to me, it felt like twenty hours. I emerged from the Barrow to find Sandy waiting for me. She told me Tom was one of the fiends, feared like few other vamps. In that moment, I truly became Mad Maudlin.”
“You hunted them down?”
“Oh, yes.” I met his gaze. “I sought them out, all right. Together with Cassandra—Sandy—and Fata Morgana, I raged through the land, seeking every vampire I could. They feared me, they whispered my name in secret. I killed so many of them, driving the plague of vampires back from the towns. Even the witch hunters gave me a wide berth, terrified to anger me. I took out my share of them, too. But the vampires? I shadowed them. Haunted them. I destroyed every one of their hiding places I could find. I drove them into the sunlight. And then, I ran wild. Sandy and Fata and I decided that we would bedevil the demons. We would make them understand what it was to fear.”
“When did you stop?” His voice was soft and I suddenly realized that, if anybody would understand what I had been through, it was Aegis.
“We found a huge nest of them—an entire village. I encircled it with flames. Then, as the sun set and the vampires began to rise, I sent the flames inward and destroyed every single vamp there. We fought, of course—there were some who got through the flames—but between the three of us, we devastated them. When I realized that my Tom had not been there—I thought he was—I broke. I had wanted to free him, and it seemed like that was the one vampire kept from me.”
I was weeping now, not wanting to face Aegis.
He quietly held out his arms. I wanted to run to him, to bury myself in his love, but the guilt overwhelmed me. I had lost my love to the vampires, and now…now I was falling for one. Mad Maudlin would have killed Aegis on sight, but I had fallen in love with him.
I let out a shuddering breath and straightened my shoulders. “That night ended my hunting days. We left the village and the three of us lost ourselves in a whirlwind of parties and booze and drugs. I did my best to sever myself from the carnage. I tried to leave my anger behind, which meant leaving my love for Tom behind. Because the pain of losing him—the horror of knowing he was still out there, killing for blood—had almost driven me out of my mind.”
“But you never really quit loving him. And you didn’t harm anyone who didn’t deserve it.”
I studied the floor. “I still love him, even though I shoved that love into a tiny corner of my heart and taped a caution sign over it. But he was vicious, he was vicious—like Rachel. He became a crazed monster. If I saw him today, as much as it hurts, I’d stake him. Because Tom turned into a fiend set on destroying others.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. You did what you needed to.”
I shrugged. “I know. And to be honest, I don’t regret my actions. I won’t be a hypocrite and wring my hands and say I’m so sorry. The only thing I truly regret was losing my Tom, and never being able to send him to rest.”
He pulled me to him, holding my shoulders gently as I looked up at him, tears streaming.
“You have to understand this about me, Aegis. I’m not ashamed of what I did. Of what I was. I hunted your kind. I killed them with glee and joy in my heart. I played judge, jury, and executioner willingly. Given the choice, I’d do it all over again. I am Mad Maudlin, and I can’t ever deny the truth of what I did. Because she’s still a part of me, like it or not.”
“Do you miss that wild ride?” A faint smile crinkled at the side of his lips. And in those words, I distinctly heard that he—too—had his own wild past.
I gave a hoarse laugh. “Not so much. And I wasn’t alone, thank gods. Sandy was with me, and Fata Morgana. They had the foresight to rein me in when it became necessary. And afterward? We partied like it was 1999.”
Aegis seemed to be digesting everything I had just thrown at him. “I’m glad you told me. We all have our baggage. We’ve all done things that aren’t so pretty.” He paused, then asked, “You remember when I told you that Apollo threw me out because I dared to love one of his servants whom he also took a shine to?”
I nodded. “Yeah, but I know that you don’t like to talk about it, so I try to leave it alone.”
He hung his head. “I wasn’t entirely truthful. Mostly, but not completely.”
“What did you do?” I looked at my glass. It was empty and I wanted more wine.
He took my glass. “Let me refill these and then I’ll tell you. I promise, it wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t good, either.” As he headed into the kitchen, I returned to the sofa, where I curled up in the corner and stared at the flames burning in the fireplace.
It felt good, actually, to have that off my conscience. Keeping that secret from him had been weighing on me. I didn’t want him to think I was someone I wasn’t—someone with a crystal clear past. He was a vampire. I had killed his kind ruthlessly. But regardless of what he decided to do, I had been truthful with him.
Aegis handed me my glass, along with a sandwich. “I thought you could use a little something to eat. It’s ham and Swiss.”
Just that small act told me that he wasn’t ready to throw in the towel on us, at least not yet. Gratefully, I accepted it, biting into the spicy mustard. “Thank you. I needed this.” Pausing to chew, I waited until he was sitting down again. “How do you feel about what I told you?”
“You mean, that you were a famous vampire hunter? That you killed scores of the Fallen?”
I nodded, holding my breath. The flames in the fireplace crackled and popped in the silence that hung between us.
Aegis caught my gaze and held it. “I’m glad you finally decided to tell me. I’ve known since I first met you and I’ve been waiting for you to talk about it. But I didn’t want to push you.”
“What?” I jerked, straightening up. “You knew?”
“Yes, love. I knew. And what you did. It wasn’t just out of revenge. You saved thousands of people from being hurt. The vampires then, they were a lot less civilized. Most of them didn’t give a damn about humans.” He paused, then reached out. “Maddy, love. I knew all about your past. That doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
I held his hands in mine, gazing into his eyes, suddenly realizing that he was accepting me—all of me. It was almost too much to take in. Feelings warred within me, and I managed to push them to the side for a moment. I had to examine them one by one, to sort through the mosh pit of emotion that was racing through me.
Swallowing, I whispered, “So, tell me your dread secrets, my love.”
He seemed to understand, because he smiled, just the corners of his lips lifting. “My turn, then. Here it is my most dreadful secret. It’s true that I fell for a servant of Apollo. And that she returned my love. I don’t know what we thought would eventually happen, but we were doing our best to keep it hidden. But Theo, a man I thought was my best friend, found out about us. I don’t know whether he was jealous, or whether he was just in a mood, because he told Apollo about us.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “Betrayal’s never easy.”
“No, it isn’t. And for a long time, his actions broke my belief in friendship. Apollo sent Astra and me into the dungeons while he decided how to punish us. I had other friends, though. One of them let me out with my promise that I’d return to my cell before Apollo found out. I snuck into Theo’s room while he slept and I killed him.” Aegis’s smile vanished. “I was willing to face Apollo’s wrath, but Theo had put Astra in danger. For that, I could never forgive him. I slit his throat while he slept.”