Before I Ever Met You

He loves me, he loves me, he loves me.

To be honest, I’ve never had those words spoken to me before. I never knew what it would feel like to hear them, and only imagined how good it could be. But now that Logan’s told me he loves me, now that I’ve told him, I know my imagination never even came close to this gorgeous reality.

I’m flying.

Logan has a dashing smile on his face, one of awe and wonder, and pushes the food around on his plate. “Honestly, and I’m not just saying this because you’re here, but food never tastes good unless you’re cooking it. Did you want to get these to go and get out of here? I don’t think I can eat right now. Not this, anyway.”

“Yes,” I say emphatically. I want go back to his place and fall into bed with him and never leave. I want him inside me while he says those words, I want to feel what it’s like to make love while being in love.

The waiter doesn’t seem all that surprised. I down the rest of my lychee martini and soon we’re in his Jeep, heading up the highway, until Logan quickly stops by the Foodland grocery store and picks up two floral leis.

“The plumeria is for you,” he says. “The hibiscus is for Juliet.”

“Juliet?” I think to her marker on the side of the road. “You’re the one who leaves the flowers for her?” My heart pinches at the thought, both for him being so thoughtful and for him being so invested still.

“I try to,” he says. “But other people do too. I think someone at Moonwater does, maybe Johnny. And I think that prick she was sleeping with does too.”

“I guess that makes him less of a prick though,” I point out.

“Yeah, I know,” he says, adjusting his hands on the steering wheel. “Believe me, it doesn’t hurt to think about the two of them together, more a blow to the pride than anything, and I’m used to that.” He glances at me, his eyes glinting in the passing streetlights. “Did I tell you I went to his house once.”

“What?”

“Yeah. A few months after Juliet’s accident. I went over there looking to kill him and…well, it didn’t turn out that way. I told him what happened and he was wrecked. Not quite in the same way I was wrecked, but at least I realized it wasn’t just a fling between the two of them. He had feelings for her and he was sorry. His apology didn’t change anything but he was sorry.”

“Wow,” I say. “I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.”

He sighs heavily. “It wasn’t easy. But it had to be done. And it made me realize some things. Though the guy was sorry, he was still a dickhead. I mean, an absolute wanker. Not so much in the sense that he was a vile homewrecker, which he was, but just in his personality. And, to be honest, he was better suited to Juliet than I was. He was a lawyer. He was ambitious. He had all the makings of someone who wanted to climb to the top and would do anything to stay there, and Juliet was like that too.”

“Tell me about it.”

“What I mean is, I finally saw why she and I never worked out. And now I see why you and I do. We’re far more alike than you would guess. That’s what I first saw in you.” He glances at me, frowning. “I know I told you that my mother couldn’t come to our wedding because of her illnesses. Well that’s not exactly true. My mother does have some problems but the reality is…she’s a horrible human being.”

My eyes widen.

He goes on. “I know it sounds bloody awful for me to say that but it’s the truth. And I only had her growing up. My dad left us when I was young, I barely have memories of him, though the memories I do have aren’t bad. At least there was some love there, but my dad got caught up with gambling and that did him in. And I’m sure my own mother didn’t help either.”

“What did she do?” I ask quietly.

“It’s more like what she didn’t do. Which, to put it bluntly, was to fucking love us. But compared to you and Juliet, it was different. Both Kit and I got the shit end of the stick. My mother would sit around all day in her bloody chair, smoking packs of cigarettes until her ashtray was piled high, and she’d make us cook and clean and do everything for her. If we did it, we didn’t get harassed. If we didn’t do it, she would go out of her way to make sure our lives were a living hell. My brother and I got nothing. Of course back then, we were growing up rural and this seemed to be the norm. Emotional abuse was never talked about and lack of love was something that was swept under the rug. My mom worked her job at the bank and when she wasn’t there, she was terrorizing us and we thought that’s how life was supposed to be. Loveless and full of fear.”

I had no idea at all it was like this for Logan. I knew he was reluctant to talk about his mother, but I thought it was because he had nothing to say about her or just didn’t want to seem like a dick when I had my own mother to complain about. Instead, his mom sounds worse than mine.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “I wish you told me this sooner.

“I should have. I don’t know why I didn’t. ” He shrugs. “And the crazy thing is, I grew up still wanting her approval. It’s no wonder that Kit ended up in the outback up north, far away from where we grew up, and I ended up all the way over here.” He looks at me, a softness coming over his eyes. “And so when I met you, I knew. I knew you’d come from a similar place. Your mother can be pretty awful, I’ll give you that much, but thankfully you never had to do what we had to do. Even so, I recognized them as the same. Sometimes I think I fell for Juliet because I saw it as another way to prove myself, even though it was to your mother and not mine. How fucked up is that?”

He exhales heavily through his nose, staring out at the headlights on the road. “Anyway, seeing that wanker that Juliet was with made me realize that we’ve all got our own people. Somewhere out there there’s someone who is part of your tribe, who belongs to you, who should be with you. You have always been my people, Veronica. From the moment we first met till now, through all of those years where we were both lost and stolen. You’re mine as much as I’m yours. And I swear nothing, nothing, is ever going to change that for us. You will always belong in my heart. It’s your home.”

My chest is expanding with a joy so acute, I’m not sure how to handle it, where the feeling should go. I’m just drowning in it, taking in his words instead of air, until it’s everything I am and all that I’ll need.

“If you’ll belong to my heart,” I tell him breathlessly, reaching across and tracing my fingers along his ear, his cheekbones, down the length of his beard to his chin. “I know you always have.”