Before I Ever Met You

“Yeah, aloha, where is Logan?” I ask, trying to keep my voice level as I brush a strand of wet hair out of my face. My red cotton dress is already sticking to me from the walk over.

“He told me to come a couple hours early. Overtime. Double overtime cuz it’s a holiday. Like I would say no.”

“Do you know where he went?”

“He said he was going home,” she says.

As I run out of the office I can hear her call, “Happy Thanksgiving!” after me.

I haven’t been inside Logan’s house but I know what the interior looks like, thanks to Juliet’s Facebook photos. It’s a block or two from the hotel, across the road from the beach, and a modest rancher with nice landscaping.

I run down the streets of the small suburban area to the left of the hotel, my flip-flops smacking the wet pavement and echoing down the quiet road. I keep searching the houses as I go past, peering at them in the dark through the rain, until I find Logan’s. In some ways I want to keep running, even though I already feel like a drowned rat. It keeps my mind from dwelling on what happened, it keeps me focused on putting one foot in front of the other. There was too much truth to swallow along with those drinks and I’m keeping all of it on the backburner until I talk to Logan, until I finally hear his side of things.

I open the wooden gate and step into their yard, dimly lit in the darkness. There’s a narrow stone path of lava rock, the short, stiff grass bordering the sides, Logan’s Jeep in the driveway. Plumeria, banana trees, and naupaka bushes line the fence, giving the feel of a tropical oasis. Rain drops hit the thick leaves with a soft thwack.

I go up to the door, noticing a worn doormat beneath my feet that has dolphins all over it. Obviously my sister’s, she loved dolphins as a kid. Even the diary she used to have had them all over it.

Daniel can’t be right, I think to myself, but then I’m making a fist and pounding on the door. Moths fly around, bumping at the light above me.

I won’t stop until he answers.

Eventually he does, flinging the door open. He’s in grey sweatpants, no shirt. That’s a fucking kryptonite combo for me but I manage to ignore it. My anger and confusion override the eye candy.

“What’s wrong?” he says and his eyes are wide with concern. “You’re all wet.”

“You lied to me!” I yell at him, storming past him and into the foyer, not caring that I’m dragging water into his house. “You lied to me.”

He slowly shuts the door behind me and gives me an incredulous look. “You’ll have to bring me up to speed here.”

“You never cheated on Juliet!” I cry out. “She cheated on you!”

He watches me for a few beats, seeming to think. “Who told you that?”

“Why does it matter? Why did you lie to me?”

He chuckles. “Freckles, I never lied to you.”

“It’s not funny!” I tell him, marching over to him and poking my finger into his chest. “It’s not funny at all. You let me believe a lie. You let me believe that you were a monster that ruined my sister before she died. You made me think you were an asshole.”

His brows raise, wrinkling his forehead. “I never made you think anything.”

“You did! You had countless times to correct me, to tell me the truth and yet you kept letting me think it. Why? Why did you do that? Why couldn’t you just tell me? I deserved to know!”

“Let me get this straight…first you hate me and think I’m an asshole because I supposedly cheated on your sister. Then you find out I didn’t cheat on your sister and you still think I’m an asshole?”

I jam my finger into his chest again, my face turning hot as the anger and frustration pour through me. “I hated you so much and you let me!”

He wraps his hand around my finger and yanks it away from him. “That’s all on you, kid. You could have found out the truth if you dared to dig a little deeper, if you questioned who Juliet really was instead of blindly accepting it.”

“I didn’t know the real her!” I cry softly.

“None of us really did,” he says. “I doubt even your mother.” He pauses. “Admit it, you just wanted to hate me. It’s what I said earlier. Why you never bothered to find out the truth.”

I pull away from him, walking across the room, my hands at the sides of my head like I’m keeping it from exploding. “Oh, this fucking shit again.”

“Because you wanted me,” he goes on, his voice carrying across the room. “You wanted me just as I wanted you. From the moment you first came and stood beside me and let me know that you were my equal, that you were on my side.”

That makes me pause in my tracks. “What are you talking about?” I whisper.

“One of the reasons I never told you, or your mother, or anyone in your family the truth about Juliet, the truth of what she did, one of the reasons why I took the blame and let her paint me the villain, was because I already felt guilty.”

Don’t turn around, I tell myself. He’s walking closer to me, I can feel his heat, the power of him, at my back. It’s like the sun. “Why were you guilty?” I ask carefully.

“Because I should have been with you, Ronnie. It’s always been you.”

My heart vaults inside my chest, bouncing in circles. It’s everything I’ve wanted to hear and yet I’m still afraid to hear it.

“I spent part of my marriage wishing I was married to you instead.”

I shut my eyes, trying to keep the tears back. I can’t help it. Everything I’ve been led to believe has been a lie, a lie told by both sides. Was anything ever real? Was anyone ever going to share the truth with me, or was the truth something else that I didn’t deserve, another thing I was unworthy of?

“Veronica, please,” he says. “I never wanted you to hate me. But it was the only way this could work.”

“Who are you then?” I scream, whirling around. “Who was she?”

And then he’s right in front of me, his massive frame taking up all the space. He grabs my wrists, yanking me toward him. His gaze is all fire. “She was a person, okay? She was just a person.”

“She was my sister!” I cry out, tears starting to burn at the corners of my eyes. “She was everything I tried to be!”

“And in the end she was just as flawed as you are,” he growls, his grip tightening. “She wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t even a nice person half the time. You want the ugly truth or do you want to keep putting her on that pedestal?” He takes a breath, closing his eyes briefly. “Veronica, I know you’re angry that you wasted so much of your life trying to become a lie, but you don’t have to do that anymore. You never did. God, you’re so beautiful just as you, you’re better than you’ll ever think you’ll be.”

Now my heart is competing for space in my chest, swelling and growing. It’s hungry, so fucking hungry for more of his words and only Logan can feed it.