Except… lately it seemed as if everything was about George. She thought about him constantly, and heaven above, was it just the day before that they’d been playing Pall Mall and she’d practically kissed him?
She’d wanted to. Dear God, she’d wanted to, and if he’d shown any interest – and if there hadn’t been four other people milling about with Pall Mall mallets – she’d have done it. She’d never kissed anyone before, but when had that ever stopped her? She’d jumped her first fence when she was six. She’d never so much as jumped a shrub before that, but she’d taken one look at that five-foot fence and known that she had to take it. So she’d just hopped on her mare, and she’d done it. Because she’d wanted to.
And also because Edward had dared her. But she wouldn’t have tried it if she hadn’t thought she could do it.
And known she would love it.
She’d known even then that she wasn’t like other girls. She didn’t want to play the pianoforte or pick at her sewing. She wanted to be outside, to fly through the air on the back of her horse, sunlight dancing across her skin as her heart skipped and raced with the wind.
She wanted to soar.
She still did.
If she kissed George… if he kissed her… Would it feel the same way?
She trailed her fingers along the back of the sofa, trying to fill the moment with idle movement. But then she made the mistake of looking up…
He was staring at her, his eyes fierce and curious and something else, too, something she could not precisely name.
But whatever it was… she felt it. Her heart leapt, and her breath quickened, and she realized it was just like when she raced on her mare. Breathless and giddy and determined and wild… It was all there within her, bursting to get free.
All because he’d looked at her.
Dear God, if he actually kissed her she might fall apart.
She tapped nervous fingers on the edge of the sofa, then gestured stupidly to a chair. “I should sit.”
“If you wish.”
But her feet wouldn’t move. “I seem not to know what to do with myself,” she admitted.
“Join the club,” he muttered.
“Oh, George…”
“Do you want a drink?” he asked suddenly.
“Now?” It was barely past eleven.
His shrug bordered on insolence. Billie could only wonder at how much he’d already had.
But he didn’t head for the brandy decanter. Instead he stood by the window, staring out over the garden. It had started to rain; a light misty drizzle that made the air thick and gray.
She waited for several moments, but he did not turn around. His hands were clasped behind his back – the classic stance of a gentleman. But it wasn’t quite right. There was a certain harshness to his pose, a tension in his shoulders that she wasn’t used to seeing there.
He was brittle. Bleak.
“What will you do?” she finally forced herself to ask. She did not think she could bear the silence for another moment.
His posture changed, a slight movement in his neck maybe, and then he turned his head to the side. But not far enough to actually look at her. Instead she was treated to his profile as he said, “Go to London, I suppose.”
“To London?” she echoed.
He snorted. “There’s not much else I can do.”
“You don’t want to go to the Colonies to look for him?”
“Of course I want to go to the Colonies,” he snapped, whirling around to face her. “But that’s not what I do.”
Billie’s lips parted, but the only sound was her pulse, racing wildly through her veins. His outburst was unexpected. Unprecedented.
She had seen George lose his temper before. She could hardly have grown up alongside his younger brothers and not have done so. But she had never seen this.
There was no missing the contempt in his voice, nor the fact that it was directed entirely within.
“George,” she said, trying to keep her voice calm and reasonable, “if you want to —”
He stepped forward, his eyes hard and furious. “Don’t tell me I can do what I want because if you believe that, you’re just as na?ve as the rest of them.”
“I wasn’t going to —” But it was just as well that he cut her off with a mocking snort, because that was exactly what she had been about to say, and it was only now that she realized how ludicrous it would have been. He couldn’t take off and go to the Colonies; they all knew that.
He would never be as free as his brothers. The order of their birth had ensured that. George would inherit the title, the house, the land. Most of the money. But with privilege came responsibility. He was tied to this place. It was in his blood, the same way Aubrey Hall was in hers.
She wanted to ask him if he minded. If given the chance, would he trade places with Andrew or Edward?
“What will you do in London?” she said instead. Because she could never have asked him what she really wanted to know. Not while Edward’s fate was uncertain.
He shrugged, although not so much with his shoulders as his head and eyes. “Speak to people. Make inquiries.” He laughed bitterly. “I’m very good at speaking to people and making inquiries.”
“You know how to get things done,” she agreed.