“Maybe,” he said. “But that’s why I came last night. I wanted to ask you if we were closer than anyone else knew. I-I almost feel as if Liam is haunting me.”
The blood drained from her head, and she felt faint. First banshees and now this strange blather from Jesse about a haunting. If Liam were going to haunt anyone, wouldn’t he hover close to her? She wanted to strike Jesse with her fists and make him take back his crazy talk.
The dejection in his voice lessened her anger. He had suffered plenty these past months. He had to reconstruct his reality based on what other people told him. Between all the surgeries and the physical therapy, his life had become a roller coaster ride of pain and dark mists. She knew he’d stayed with his parents for a time while they tried to recover all the explosion had yanked away.
Had this man tried to kill himself and take Liam with him? The detective seemed so certain, and this crazy talk reinforced the possibility in Alanna’s mind.
Sometimes she thought Liam wasn’t really gone—that he was out there somewhere calling for her. She knew Liam was in heaven, but she wished she could believe some aspect of her husband lived on in Jesse. That she could gaze deep into his eyes and catch a glimpse of the man she loved. To know he was gone from her for the rest of her life was more than she could bear to think about.
She eyed Jesse again. “What are you saying? That you think Liam has possessed you?”
A muscle in his jaw jumped. “Something like that. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Or maybe the love he had for you imprinted on me somehow. I don’t know.”
She had to keep a grip on reality. “Our only real connection was our mutual love for Liam. What do you remember about the explosion? Anything?”
He shook his head. “My past is just blank. I only know what I’m told. But I’ve been having these dreams . . .”
“That’s all they are. Just dreams. Your regrets showing up from your subconscious.”
“That’s what my shrink says, but it feels like more. I want to get to the bottom of it.”
“There’s nothing to get to,” she said, her voice sharp. “I’m sorry, but we’ve never even kissed, Jesse.” They reached the bottom of the steps. “I’ve heard you had been thinking about suicide.” She bit her lip, wishing she could pull back the words. He’d been opening up to her and she’d likely cut off that flow of confidence.
He caught her arm. “Who told you that?” His fingers bit into her flesh. “It was that detective, wasn’t it? Adams. He thinks I’m too stupid to notice how he’s been following me around. I know what he’s told you—that I wanted to take Liam out with me in a murder-suicide thing. It’s not true!”
“How do you know if you can’t remember?” she asked, keeping her voice neutral.
“I’m not crazy!”
His raised voice frightened her, and she managed to get her arm out of his grip. “Of course not,” she said soothingly. “I wasn’t saying you were.”
“That is what you were implying. That I’d try to take out my best friend, a guy I’ve loved like a brother since I was seventeen.”
“Do you remember Liam?” she asked.
The anger drained from his face. “I’d like to be him,” he whispered, passing his hand over his face. “He was a better man than the Jesse I’m learning about.” He glanced down at her.
The glow in his eyes frightened her more than his anger. Obsession could be a dangerous thing. “Did you push me down the hill last night?” He cupped her face in his palm and she jerked her head back. “Did you want me to join Liam?”
He dropped his hand. “How can you think I’d want to hurt you? Besides, a little tumble down the hill wouldn’t kill you. Whoever shoved you just wanted to scare you.” His gaze went to her belly. “Or make you miscarry. You shouldn’t stay here.”
Miscarry. That thought hadn’t crossed her mind. “I live here,” she said past her racing thoughts. Maybe Patricia had pushed her. Alanna wouldn’t put any scheme past her again.
Jesse must have noticed her softening expression. “I wouldn’t hurt you, Lanna.”
She recoiled at the use of Liam’s pet name for her. “Don’t be calling me that,” she whispered. “Only Liam calls me that.”
Even as her doubts surfaced again, she realized he had to have heard Liam refer to her as Lanna. It meant nothing.
Twenty-One
The band left after dinner, a strained, silent affair. Alanna couldn’t look at either Jesse or Patricia, so she was glad to escape to her room once her mates pulled away in the van.