Then I sauntered languidly away from the table, away from the sunshine and the sparrows and the landscaping. Away from that stolen world trapped between. And as I walked—with a very Rebellious angle to my strut, if I do say so myself—I thought everything was going to be okay.
I thought, like an idiot, that we would be together one day. That I was in love with him, and he, despite everything, was in love with me back.
But I was still just Madame Bovary, clinging to fairy tales that could never be. Which is what had set us apart from the very beginning, though I didn’t see it until too late. It’s what will set us apart forever: what we believe in. Or rather, the fact that I, Shirley Holmes, believe in something at all . . .
And he, Jim Moriarty, does not.
Now here we are, and nothing’s okay.
I need to apologize for what happened to your family. For what Jim did to them and so many people when he released those files.
Scandal in Bohemia, they’re calling it on the news, and then there’s a picture of your mom with the headline Senator Rita Watson’s private e-mails hacked; Evidence of bribes in the Senate.
I think I helped him, Jean—I think I helped Jim get access to those files that have left your mom facing expulsion. But I swear I didn’t mean to. I swear I didn’t know what I was doing. All I can guess is that Jim somehow used your e-mails to gain access to your mom’s server, which in turn gave him access to all her files.
I also know that this Scandal in Bohemia has everyone freaking out and blaming your mom. But while the media and the masses are so focused on the pawns getting crushed by kings, they’re forgetting that not all kings are bad.
Jim’s certainly forgotten it, if he ever knew it at all. That’s why I have to stop him before any more files get leaked. Before any more innocents get hurt.
I know, I know. We’re supposed to start our first semester together at Harvard in a month, but I can’t do that anymore. Don’t you see? Not while your family is hurting. Not while Jim Moriarty is still out there somewhere, walking free.
But I’ll find him, Jean. I’m taking a class on computer forensics now, and everything I learn I’ll use to make this better. Being a lawyer was never for me—at least Jim was right about that—but helping people and getting justice for the victims . . . that is me. Starting now and on my own terms.
Sometimes the only way to fix a broken wall is to patch it up from within. I’m not a ghost trapped in purgatory, nor a girl waiting for men to decide her fate.
White queen to E6. I’m coming for you, Jim Moriarty.
Checkmate.
—Your BFF,
Shirley Holmes
SASHA ALSBERG’S VILLAIN CHALLENGE TO SUSAN DENNARD:
A Young Moriarty
DEAR SASHA, THE 411 FOR VILLAINS
BY SASHA ALSBERG
The thing that unnerves me about James Moriarty is that he doesn’t have any unrealistic powers or live in a made-up world. Quite the contrary, actually. He lives in the United Kingdom. He is a professor, mathematician, son, and brother. Without adding the criminal-mastermind factor to him, he seems like a pretty ordinary guy.
So why does this bother me? Well, it creeps me out because this guy—this crazy, intelligent, psycho man—could very realistically live in this world. Our reality. Which means he could also be online, stalking villain forums, giving advice on how to dance on the ashes of your enemies.
And so could I . . .
DEAR SASHA, THE 411 FOR VILLAINS
ABOUT ME:
Some of you may think you know me, but maybe that’s just what I want you to think. Have you ever thought of that? It only took a few sweet nothings and words of a white lie to structure my ultimate fa?ade. It was good fun for a while, but now I am ready to share my advice with some sorry souls who need a little help in the criminal-mastermind world.
Being a criminal mastermind isn’t a job; it’s a lifestyle.
Love,
Sasha
One Fed-Up Failure Sasha
Dear Sasha,
I have been struggling with the criminal-mastermind lifestyle. Not because I don’t want to become one, but because whenever I try to do something evil, well, I get caught. I’ve had to move ten times in the past year just to avoid the cops. Do I just suck at being a villain? All I want is to weasel my way into people’s lives and take all their money. Is that too much to ask? That being said, how can I avoid getting caught? I need your help.
Sincerely,
One Fed-Up Failure
Sasha One Fed-Up Failure
Dear Fed-Up Failure,
Wow, you got yourself in a pickle, haven’t you? It sure is a bummer when you can’t do what your heart desires. Something you need to remember is we all have to start somewhere and learn from our past actions.
You seem to be trying a bit too hard to stay inconspicuous. Try becoming close friends with some trust fund babies and earning their respect. Get close to them. It may take a while, a few months to a few years, but once you have them in your grasp, clamp shut and take everything you can grab and get the heck out of there. Don’t run and hide; get ahead of the game and work your way up to the top.
You got this!
Best, Sasha
Undermined Underlord Sasha
Dear Sasha,
I have been trying to blackmail my arch nemesis, Fredrick, for two weeks now. I need him to respect me and the power I have over him, but I’m having a serious problem . . . He thinks I’m a joke. Whenever I threaten to expose his secret life as a cosplayer, he seems to not care. I’ll insert a section of our text messages:
Me: Fredrick Monstepi, you need to deliver $100,000 to the corner of Sher Drive and Lock Street by Wednesday, July 5, or else I will expose your secret life of cosplay to the world . . .
Fredrick: Hello again, Nigel. Might as well get some promotion from this, so make sure when you “expose” me to tag my cosplay page: @FredCosALot. Thanks, buddy.
Do you see the disrespect he has for me? I am sick of this. Please, Sasha, tell me what to do. I need your supreme guidance.
Sincerely,
Undermined Underlord
Sasha Undermined Underlord
Dear Underlord,
The problem is simple. Your leverage against him is so utterly weak that it’s not even a threat. Cosplay? Really? Cosplay is so cool! Nerd culture is nothing to be ashamed of, and neither is cosplaying. So what you need to do is find something juicy to use against him, like a dirty hobby, a secret dungeon, a hidden child, or a missing ex-lover. It needs to be something police-worthy, and if he has nothing, make something up.
Also, Fredrick knew who you were, so that broke one of the major rules of thievery: never expose yourself until the time is right.
Good luck on your quest, Underlord.
Best,
Sasha
Professor James Moriarty Sasha
Dear Sasha Marie Alsberg,