“Don’t apologize,” I tell her. “For anything. Come here.” And I bring her back so her hair dances across my chest again.
There’s only one thing I want right now, and that’s to do for her what she did for me, make her feel like the length of her skin is dancing inside a star.
Her eyes spiral up to the blue ceiling I painted for my dad and blink as she shudders. “That was amazing. Like riding a horse without a saddle,” she says.
I laugh. Of everything I never expected to hear, that has to be at the top of the list.
“What? I always loved horses; lots of girls love horses.”
“I know. I read an article once about how girls transfer their childhood love of horses, because they’re big and filled with muscle, onto boys once they get older.” I flex my chest and shoulders. “So I guess you’ve come to the right place.”
She groans with a smile, diving face-first into my sternum. “You would bring up some random factoid right now, wouldn’t you?”
“At your service. My brain never stops working.”
“Hmmm.” Jamie leans up and nuzzles my ear. “But it did for a moment.”
“An embarrassingly very brief moment, yes.” I kiss her. First a kiss that would make your friends gag from too much PDA in the halls. Then I follow it up with one that would be acceptable before saying goodbye at a train station. I am getting good at this.
“What would you do if I made you pancakes?” I ask.
“Eat them.”
“Let’s go.”
TWENTY-SEVEN
She sleeps. I don’t.
Up high in my room, under the covers of my bed and beneath my silent blue ceiling, trying to force my eyes to close. It’s not working. When they do close, the last nine hours go on instant replay and I pop back awake. Sleeping is not an option right now.
I’m still figuring out all the drifting puzzle pieces. Fragments scattered on the floor in the shape of our clothes. Lying here in the dark and trying to sort it all out is harder than actually messing around. In the moment, all I wanted was her. And I got it. Long after we’re exhausted and filled with pancakes, I can’t help but dissect the night as I would a frog. Slicing it open with precision and gently peeling back the layers until the guts are exposed.
What I keep going over and over is the one question she asked.
We were deep in the middle of round two. Post-pancakes and back in my bed. Kissing. It was dark and hot under the sheet and she’s having fun with me and I’m having fun with her and she goes, “Want to?”
“Want to what?”
She stroked my cheek as she smiled. “Do it?”
Everything ground to a halt. Pebbles and rocks went over the ledge in a cloud of dust. She lay underneath me and peered up, her hair on my pillow in a wave. I can’t count how many times I’ve dreamed of this moment. A girl in bed wanting to do it with me. Instead, a weight sank my stomach. The truth is the truth.
“I’m not ready,” I whispered.
“Okay.”
“Do you think I’m a loser?”
“No.” She shook her head.
“Are you sure?”
“Completely.” Her fingers dragged down my back. “Kiss me.”
I stopped. “Am I hurting you?”
“Dylan, if I’m ever having a bad day or whatever, just come over and lie on top of me,” she said. “You don’t even have to get naked. I just want the weight of all things real pressing into my bones. It’s intoxicating.”
“You’re intoxicating.”
Jamie arched her back, pushing into me. “When you say that it sounds like thunder.”
So I kissed her. More and more. After we watched a movie and went back to bed way after midnight, Jamie drifted off to sleep and I tried to join her.
Since I can’t sleep, I watch her and beg the sun to stay away. Give me more time to watch her breathe, to be here where nothing else matters.
Moonlight threads its way in through the blinds and dresses her shoulders in silver. She stirs. I shift back to give her space, and Jamie awakes with a start. “Oh!” She rubs her eye. “I forgot where I was. I was dreaming.”
“What were you dreaming about?”
“I have this one dream. It’s always the same but different,” she says, gradually coming round. “I’m on a plane, but sometimes there’s no plane, and I land in a place where I’m supposed to take pictures. Like, dreaming about my dream job, you know? And then I get off the plane. Sometimes I don’t know where to go. Sometimes I do. But tonight was different.”
“How?”
“You were there when I got off the plane. Then I woke up.”
I kiss her on the forehead. “Sounds like a good dream.”
“What about you?”
“I haven’t been to sleep yet.”
“What? Why?”
“I don’t want this night to end.”
“Aw…” She snuggles into my chest. And this is why.
We’re quiet. Doing nothing but listening to our heartbeats bounce.
“What are you thinking about?” I ask her.
She lifts her head up and the moonlight coats her face in thin light. “Us.”