“It’s adorable,” Bailey agrees.
“Thanks.” Jamie grins at her. “Do you like it?” she asks JP, and I’m pissed. Why the heck does she care what he thinks?
“I don’t know much about bikes,” he says.
“Oh.” Jamie shifts from one foot to the other.
“It’s perfect,” I tell her, giving JP the cue to take off.
“This has been enlightening.” He guides Bailey with him and stares directly at me. “We’ll catch up later. Like, a lot of catching up later.”
I wave. Thanks, man.
“Have a great time, you guys…shit. I mean, you two?” He stumbles backward, turning red. “I mean…Sorry, you know what I mean. Sorry. Bye.”
“Huh?” I squint.
“It’s all good!” JP gives me the thumbs-up. “This is Portland. Keep it weird—live the dream. Let’s all go play putt-putt sometime.” Bailey giggles and they flee the other way, leaving me and Jamie on the sidewalk.
I shift my crutches and look at her. “I have no idea what that was all about.”
Jamie tugs down her skirt. “He was calling me out.”
“I like calling you.” I brush my finger against her chin.
“Points.” She smiles.
We’ve never said, out loud or otherwise, that we’re a for-real duo now. I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to casually drop it when I’m buying her a cup of coffee or something: And my girlfriend would like…
Being with her is like bringing my favorite brain jumping jacks to life. I never know what she’s going to say or what we’re going to talk about, but I love the challenge. I love the thrill. When we’re official, I will tell her just that. I will be that dork who buys her flowers just because it’s Tuesday. Although I might have to get a job first.
Jamie numbly fiddles with the tassels.
“You okay?” I ask her.
“Yeah,” she says, but I’m not convinced.
“What’s wrong?” I take her hand in mine.
Jamie shakes her head. “Sometimes people say weird things when they see I’m trans.”
I drop her hand. “What?”
She looks pissed and leans in to say it again. “That I’m trans.”
“Transponding?”
“Uh, do I look like a radio?”
“Okay. Trans what, then?”
Jamie rolls her eyes. “Because I’m transgender? Hello?”
I’m not hearing this right.
“Dylan?”
“You’re joking—this is a joke,” I say. She stares at me, eyes confused and wide. “Did JP put you up to this?”
“What? No! Why would you think…Dylan, you knew I was transgender. I said so your first day in group.”
The air inside my ears starts hissing.
“You said it was fine, remember? The day we met?”
I am pretty frigging sure I would remember that. I rack my memory, but nothing about trans anything comes up. We had five good things, I shared her five good things with the group and…I zoned out. Emily elbowed me and the girls were all glaring at me. I had to say something. Holy shit, I did say it was cool. I can’t breathe. This whole time. Jamie’s been transgender this whole time.
All my blood slides into my ankles. My pulse is about to explode through my cast. I need to sit down. So dizzy. My stomach fractures and slides like all the melting glaciers on earth into the ocean, raising my internal sea level and drowning me from the inside out.
Wobbling over to the wall, I ease onto it. She’s still there. Jamie leaves her bike on the bike rack and stands in front of me. Everything I’ve ever known from all my mom’s nightly detective shows flashes through my mind. Those trans ladies on TV are always prostitutes and drug addicts, and they always get murdered and end up in Dumpsters, and the killers always say they were duped and had no choice….
“Dylan?”
Her face. The angles. No, wait.
His face. I see it.
His knobby knees in a skirt. His big feet in a pair of girls’ boots. His eyes welling up with tears.
Oh god, this is happening in front of my school. Everyone knows me here. All the teachers that I need to give me A’s, straight A’s and perfect report cards—they work here. They can’t see this. I can’t let anyone know. What if the Rhodes committee finds out about this? They’d never accept such a fucking idiot.
I get my crutches and go as fast as I can down the sidewalk for home, hanging my head so no one can see that yes, I do know that boy.
“Dylan, wait! You knew; I told you.” She jumps in front of me and takes my arm. We freeze on the spot, light cold rain sprinkling down the back of my shirt and soaking my neck. “You said it was cool. You looked me right in the eyes and smiled and said it was cool.”
If there were something to say, I would say it, but everything inside me feels like bone shards pushing through the surface. Unsorted, wrong. For the first time, looking at Jamie hurts.
She drops her hands and grips her fingers so tight they turn dead white. “Please tell me you were listening to me, please. I need to know you heard me that day.”
Slowly, so slowly, my crutches start to move again. I’m two sidewalk squares away from her, five squares, six….
“Then we’re over, Dylan,” Jamie says from behind me.