He’s gonna go fucking pro!
I tapped the folder almost aggressively. “This is Cassie’s brother.”
“Get the fuck out of here,” Wes said through a laugh. “That kid is black.”
I shook my head and chuckled. “I said the same thing when I saw his picture on her phone a couple months ago. I figured she was bullshitting me, but she wasn’t. I was just at her parents’ house, and this is her brother, Sean.”
“Well, I didn’t see that coming.”
Fuck, I didn’t see anything coming anymore. The thought made me smile.
“Listen, Phil. I need you to be cool,” I said, fluffing up the dog bed I’d picked up on the way home. Following the mini-pig breeder’s instructions, I placed the bed in the corner of the master bedroom with lots of blankets for him to root through. Since it had been nearly two decades since I had Dad, my childhood pig, I was a bit rusty on my pig-owning skills.
“Shit will probably go down once Thatch gets home, but if I’m cool, and you’re cool, we should all be cool as a motherfucking cucumber.”
The little guy snorted in response and proceeded to nudge my leg with his tiny pink nose while his little tail wiggled back and forth.
After straightening his bow tie, I stood up and pointed down at Phil’s new bed. “This is where you’ll sleep.”
He grunted in response, his tail abruptly stopping its excited movement while he proceeded to just stare at the pile of blankets on top of the bed.
I sighed. “You haven’t even tried it yet.”
Another grunt.
“C’mon,” I instructed, kneeling down and picking him up. “Once your little ass hits this cotton cloud of heaven, it will be love at first touch.” I gently placed him on the bed, and he just sat there, looking at me.
“Philmore, you need to try better than that, dude.”
He snorted but proceeded to root through the blankets with his nose. I watched avidly for a few minutes until he appeared to be enjoying his humble new abode.
I sat down beside the bed and softly ran my fingers over his back. “I think you’ll be really happy here, buddy. New York is a pretty cool place to live. The rent is exorbitant, but yeah, that shouldn’t concern you since you’ll be mooching off us. Well, Thatch. Technically, I’m kind of mooching off him right now too. That makes you and me tight. An unbreakable bond, okay? Even though I bought you for him. Between me and you, it’s solely because I’m focused on out-pranking the prankster, but I can’t deny you’re one cute little bastard.”
Yeah, but your main focus isn’t on pranks and one-upping Thatch anymore…
Okay, so maybe my focus had changed. Maybe my focus was just him, plain and simple. Well, confusing and complicated was probably more like it, but it didn’t change the fact that I truly loved screwing with him. I fucking loved keeping Thatch on his toes.
Phil lay down on the bed, resting his chin on my thigh, and looked up at me.
I took in his little piggy face and grinned before continuing to give him the ins and outs of the city. “The food is phenomenal, but skip the sushi at Duane Reade. I made that mistake once and nearly shit my brains out for a week.”
In hindsight, I really should have known. But I’m the kind of person who actually needs to touch the hot stove to confirm it’s hot, even though you already fucking told me.
“I should probably warn you that pigs are illegal in the Big Apple, but don’t worry, I found a way to get around that rule,” I said as I rubbed the prickly hairs of his back.
“You’re going to have to get used to walking places.”
He grunted and nudged my arm with his nose.
“Sorry, but them’s the breaks in New York. Cabs are too expensive when you live here full time. You should probably consider getting a MetroCard. And I know you’ll love Central Park. It will be your happy place, for sure. Since I’m not really the type of chick that enjoys participating in movement outside of getting from one place to the next, I’ll make sure Thatch takes you there. That big asshole is always running and working out and shit.”
Eventually, his little eyes started to drift closed until he rolled to his side and fell fast asleep.
I headed into the kitchen and cleaned up the mess I had left during Phil’s arrival. Empty bags, torn tags from his new toys and collar, and a half-empty bowl of food and water littered the stainless steel space. Once I had all of the trash thrown away and Phil’s belongings set up the way I wanted, I made myself comfortable on the couch and flipped on the television.
By the time Thatch walked through the door, I was forty minutes into a Lifetime movie I couldn’t stop watching. “Jesus, Deb, get your shit together,” I yelled at the screen. “Oh, my God. Are you blind? Julianna is an asshole. She’s going to kill everyone!”