“Yeah, you know that saying, ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.’”
“Unless you get chlamydia,” he pointed out. “That won’t stay in Vegas. That comes home with you.”
“I’ll make sure my hooker wears a dental dam, then.”
He chuckled. “You’re a smart woman. Putting your sexual health above all things.”
I wanted to laugh, but my mood just wasn’t feeling it. “You know me, safe sex and all that jazz,” I muttered halfheartedly.
“You okay, honey?” His tone had changed from teasing to concerned in the span of a heartbeat.
“No,” I answered as I rested my head against the window. “It’s been a shit trip.”
“What happened?”
“My assistant, who also happens to be the cunt I was kind enough to mentor, is doing her best to ruin everything. She can choke on a big fat dick while sitting on a parking cone.”
“Did you fire her?”
“No,” I mumbled. “Which is ridiculous. I mean, I found out that she had commandeered half of my professional contacts list and reached out to them for work. For herself. Which, obviously, makes me look really bad. Talk about an asshole move, right?” I sighed, long and deep. “I’ve done nothing but bend over backward for that chick. I’ve taught her everything I know. Normally, I wouldn’t tolerate one second of the bullshit she’s been pulling. Normally, I would have given her the boot.”
“Why isn’t this ‘normally’?”
“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly. “It’s all so unlike me. What’s wrong with me, T?”
“It sounds like she hurt your feelings, honey. You two were obviously close.”
“That’s what these are? Feelings?” I questioned in feigned shock. “I don’t like these fuckers. They’re killing my Vegas buzz.”
He chuckled softly into the phone. “You want some advice?”
“Please,” I responded and sat down on the chaise beside the window.
“Even though I think this chick deserves the whole fat-dick-and-parking-cone scenario, I think you need to approach this professionally.”
God, could he have suggested anything more unnatural? “And how do I go about that?”
“Find out who she reached out to, and contact them. Let them know the situation, without the use of f-bombs or cunt sentiments. I’d also probably leave out the parking cone and dick sucking, too. Then, tell her to pack her tube tops and glittery eye shadow and take a fucking hike.”
A small laugh escaped my lips. “Glittery eye shadow and tube tops?”
“Only one type of woman would pull a dick move like that, and she ain’t doing it while wearing Louboutins.”
“What about a guy who would pull that kind of shit? What’s he wearing?”
“Tommy Hilfiger.”
“Thatchastasia is a bit of a fashionista. I had no idea.”
He chuckled. “I’ll let you spank me later.”
Normally, I’d toss back another snappy retort, but I was finding my humor to still be miles away. “Awesome,” I replied, lacking any sort of enthusiasm.
“I don’t like when you’re sad, honey.”
“I’m not sad,” I lied.
“Hey, I hate to cut this short, but I’ve got to run,” he said.
“Okay, bye,” I answered and couldn’t hide my irrational irritation.
“Now, wait a minute, sassy pants. Before I go, I’m adding a new rule. Number forty-five. No moping while in Vegas.”
A sharp laugh escaped my lungs. “Yeah, I’ll do my best to get right on that rule, even though I’d rather curl up in the fetal position and watch reruns of The Office from my hotel bed.”
“I mean it, honey. No moping.”
“You’re not the boss of me, T.”
“We’ll see about that, Crazy.”
“Number forty-six. Take a hot bath and a nap.”
“Stop adding rules,” I demanded. “And that’s a weird rule.”
“Everything feels better after a hot bath.”
“I forgot bubble baths are one of your and Oprah’s favorite things.”
He laughed. “When you’re in them, they are. But I can’t speak for Oprah. I’m not sure what she digs.”
“All right. Consider me naked and in the bath, then,” I teased.
“Consider me hard and annoyed that I’m not there.”
Six hours later, I had taken a hot bath—twice—and charged eighty bucks’ worth of room service and movies to my room. Nothing was making me feel better. Not even the phone call I’d made to Olivia to tell her she was no longer my assistant.
That should have been an awesome call. I should have savored every second of telling her she’d been blacklisted from everyone she’d attempted to contact behind my back and she no longer had a job. But it didn’t make me feel better.
I felt worse.