“Dinner,” he says, stepping closer. One hand is on the gate, gently clutching the metal. “With me. Tonight.” He checks his watch. “Actually, in two hours, because we have to get to the theater early.”
I shake my head. I should go. Gavin. My boyfriend. I should go.
“It’s just dinner, Grace,” he says gently. “I mean, let’s be honest—it’s the ninety-nine-cent menu at Taco Bell. Pretty innocent, all things considered.”
“I don’t even know what we’re doing here,” I say.
“We’re doing this,” he says. Then he wraps his arms around me.
“I hate you,” I mumble, my forehead leaning against his shoulder.
“Liar,” he says, soft. He presses me closer and we both sigh at the same time. I’m glad he can’t see the smile on my face.
He’s wearing a soft old T-shirt with a picture of Albert Einstein on the front and he’s warm and something is swirling between us, in us, I don’t know what it is but I don’t want to let go. But I have to. This is wrong, this is almost cheating. If you saw—
I try to pull away but not really and he holds me tighter, runs his fingers through my hair.
“Choose me,” he says.
I look up, startled. Our lips are inches apart. If he kisses me, I don’t know what I’ll do. My eyes fill with tears and I don’t know what to say. I don’t fucking know.
He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I adore the hell out of you,” he says. “You’ve become my closest friend in a matter of weeks. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up. Choose me. You won’t regret it. I promise on Radiohead and Shakespeare. And even on Pepsi Freezes, if that will sweeten the deal. Pun intended.”
My forehead falls to his chest. Yes, yes, I think. But also, no. I can’t. Even if you weren’t threatening to hurt yourself if I leave, would Gideon really want to be with me if he knew what my parents were like? Would he still feel this way if he knew how shitty I am at loving people, how selfish I am? I feel used up, tainted, hollow. I gave you everything, Gavin. I don’t think there’s anything left for me to give Gideon. He deserves better.
“Don’t go back to him,” Gideon says. “Even if we … even if you decide this isn’t…” His hands slide down my arms and he interlaces his fingers with mine. “He hurts you. And it’s killing me to see it.”
I like holding his hand. I like that he wants to touch me as much as he can. I like the soft look he gets in his eyes whenever they settle on me. I’m cheating on you, aren’t I? This must be cheating. I thought I was better than this.
I pull away. “Gavin and I have been together for almost a year. He’s a part of me. Leaving him would be … I mean, you make it sound like I can just—” I make a sweeping motion with my hand. “It’s not that easy.”
Go away, I beg him. I will ruin you. I’m broken.
Gideon’s fingers slip away from mine and he leans against the gate, arms crossed. “Why not?”
He doesn’t say this with anger or frustration; his eyes don’t narrow like yours do when you’re pissed at me. It’s like me staying with you is a math problem Gideon can’t figure out. And he’s really, really smart. I’m not the only one utterly, completely, totally baffled here.
“Because…” I frown and reach down and grab my books and my backpack. “Because I just can’t, okay? I … I love him.” I lift my chin and try to say the words with more conviction. “I love him.”
Gideon shakes his head. “You say you love him like it’s a question, not an answer.”
He pushes off the gate and steps forward. I should move back but I don’t. He grabs a piece of paper out of his pocket and slips it between the pages of my statistics textbook.
“You’re worth the wait.” He smiles, crooked. “See you tonight.”
He starts to walk away and something in me crumbles, but then he turns back and closes the distance between us, resolute. Before I can move or protest or anything, he leans down and presses his lips against my forehead, his fingertips resting against my jaw.
I stare at him when he backs away.
“Speechless. Nice—just what I was going for.” Gideon grins. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.”
Then he walks away for real, hands in his pockets, messenger bag slung over his shoulder.
A part of me wants to run after him, turn him around, and give him the kiss I catch myself imagining whenever I’m bored in class.
Choose him.
Do it.
You stupid goddamn fucking girl, don’t let him walk away.
I wait until Gideon has turned a corner, then make my way through campus. I only get halfway across the quad when I see the figure stalking toward me. That walk, so familiar. Long strides, hands swinging.
I stop. Stare.
“Where have you been?” you demand.
“Um…” Worst nightmare. WORST NIGHTMARE. “Just … getting my stuff together. You know. For tonight.”
How could I have let Gideon kiss me? Forehead kisses count, of course they do.
“It’s almost three-thirty,” you say.
School lets out at two-forty. How was it possible that Gideon and I were together for almost an hour? It felt like minutes. Seconds.
“I—”
“Peter and Kyle said they saw you with some guy from your show. Gideon. Who the fuck is Gideon? Is he that guy from the bus ride to Oregon? The one who put his arm around you?”
Did I just cheat on my boyfriend? Am I a cheater?
“Yes, he’s that guy. I mean, just … he’s in the show and—”
“Look at you,” you say. “You’re lying to me. I know you. What are you hiding?”
You grab my shoulders like you want to shake the happy right out of me. I think of how my mom did that, the rage in her eyes. Would you hurt me, Gavin?
“Nothing,” I say. “I swear, nothing.”
My eye catches on the note Gideon tucked into my book. Diversion. I need a diversion. I don’t know what that letter says, but whatever it is, you will demand to read it and then you’ll know, you’ll know … Gideon says stuff like I love your mind. You’re the only person who gets my weird.
You drop your hands. “I got here to take you out for fucking ice cream.” I flush, guilty. “To celebrate your closing night.”
“Gavin. We were talking about the show and about this album we both like and I lost track of time, that’s all!”
“What album?” Because it’s you, because it’s music, the way this afternoon goes actually hinges on my answer.
“Radiohead. Kid A.”
You snort. “Of course. That mopey shit.”
I wonder if Radiohead is a deal breaker for me. I don’t get how you can’t love them.
You fix me with a look so cold it turns my stomach. “Are you cheating on me?”
“Gavin.” I reach a hand toward you, but you slap it out of the way. My skin stings.
“Are. You. Cheating. On me?”
I shake my head. “I love you. I would never cheat on you. I can’t believe you would say that.”
Deflecting. That’s what cheaters do.
You bite your lip, eyes filling. How could I do this to you?
“Hey…” I pull you against me. It’s not like with Gideon, who held me. I have to hold you. Have to hold you together so you don’t break.
Kill. Myself.
“I can’t lose you,” you whisper. “I can’t.”
After who knows how long, you pull away and reach your hands out for my books.