Faint wrinkles lined his brow. I imagined that face aging, showing no sign of what it had done.
“Live the dream,” I said. “The good life. What every man fantasizes about. And every time you start to feel comfortable, warm, safe, you’ll pause. You’ll shiver for no reason. Feel eyes on you in a crowd. See a shadow on the street, following.” Closer. “I’ll be watching you, Adam. To see if you’re fucking up. If you’re hurting anyone. And if you do, I’ll drag you out of bed, or into an alley, and I’ll hurt you the same way you hurt me. I’ll make you feel what that felt like. Do you know how much I bled? You will.”
The wrinkles smoothed away. He stared vacantly, as if he’d just been struck in the back of the head.
“You may live to be an old man, like I will. Or you may not. But you’ll always be living on borrowed time, my time, and someday I’ll come to collect. No forgiveness, Adam. Only fear. You’ll always be looking over your shoulder. You’ll never know when I’m watching.” I laughed. “Better be a good boy.”
I glanced up into the light, as if it sealed the promise. I felt it in my bones: the power he’d taken from me, returned. Now he would live with fear. Always on guard, alert, vigilant. Analyzing every situation for a threat.
Welcome to how it feels, I thought, to move through this world like a woman.
At the door I looked back. Still blank-faced but his eyes were wet and bright.
“Don’t cry,” I said.
TODAY
VLOG #406: FIVE YEARS ON T
[A party at Umbra. All of Black Iris is present, including siblings and significant others. Ren leans over a giant cake that reads HAPPY FIFTH BIRTHDAY.]
REN: I can’t believe you guys are giving alcohol to a five-year-old.
ARMIN: Don’t get my license revoked.
BLYTHE: For your information, I’ve tasted all of these drinks and none of them are remotely alcoholic.
ARMIN/ELLIS: [Simultaneously.] Aussies.
BLYTHE: Christ, they’re getting along. I may vomit.
REN: That’s probably got more to do with tasting all the drinks.
BLYTHE: Don’t judge me, birthday boy.
TAMSIN: Laney’s got that look. Watch out.
LANEY: A toast.
EVERYONE: Toast! Toast!
LANEY: To a very brave boy.
BLYTHE: And handsome.
ELLIS: And kind.
ARMIN: And genuine.
TAMSIN: And good in bed.
EVERYONE: [Groans.]
BLYTHE: Nice, mate.
LANEY: And a very dear friend. Here’s to you, Ren. Happy birthday.
EVERYONE: Happy birthday!
———
[Ren and Tam drive to a house in the suburbs. Tam films Ren getting out of the car. He rings the bell and waits on the lawn until an older man emerges. The older man stops, staring.]
REN: Dad. Dad? It’s me.
MR. KHOURY: [Approaches.] Ya Allah, ya Allah . . . [Murmurs in Arabic.]
REN: Hey. It’s . . . been a while.
MR. KHOURY: [Clasps Ren’s hand.] Hello. How are you—
REN: You can call me Ren.
MR. KHOURY: Ren. Hello. Can I call you my son?
REN: Y-yeah. Yeah, that’s okay, too.
MR. KHOURY: Who is the young lady?
REN: My girlfriend, Tamsin.
TAMSIN: Hello, Mr. Khoury.
MR. KHOURY: Ahmad, please. So beautiful. What a lovely girl. Both of you, come inside, come inside.
REN: I can’t. You know how Mom is.
TAMSIN: We’re here to pick up the little ones.
MR. KHOURY: Yes, yes. But come inside for a minute and cool off.
REN: It’s forty-five degrees out here, Dad.
MR. KHOURY: Ah, he sees through my tricks. Okay. I’ll get the little ones.
[Mr. Khoury goes inside.]
TAMSIN: He called you “he” without a thought.
REN: Yeah.
TAMSIN: Are you all right?
REN: [Smiles.] Yeah.
———
[At the beach. Tamsin and Kari are playing tag near the lake, screaming with laughter. Ren and Mina, bundled in winter jackets, build a sand castle on the shore. The camera is propped beside them.]
MINA: Is Tamsin your girlfriend?
REN: Yep. Is that weird?
MINA: No.
[They dig a moat.]
MINA: Are you her boyfriend?
REN: Yep. Is that weird?
MINA: No.
[More digging.]
MINA: Do you love her?
REN: [Smiles.] Yep. Is that weird?
MINA: Yes!
REN: Why is that weird?
MINA: Because, love is stupid. It’s a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species.
REN: [Laughs.] Where did you hear that?
MINA: [Scornfully.] I read it in a book.
REN: I think you found it on the Internet when you were looking up “love is stupid.” Because you have a crush on someone.
MINA: Shut up.
REN: Is it on a boy?
MINA: No.
REN: Girl?
MINA: No!
REN: Nonbinary person?
MINA: Huh? No.
REN: You don’t even know what that is.
MINA: It’s still no.
REN: Okay, I give up. Tell me.
MINA: [Sighs dramatically.] It’s on a fictional character.
REN: [Starts laughing.]
MINA: See! This is why I never tell you anything.
REN: You tell me everything. You literally never shut up.
MINA: Well, it’s not serious, because A: he’s not real, and B: Mom would kill me.
REN: Mom wants to kill all of us. Why did she even have kids?
MINA: I know.
[They build a bridge over the moat.]