Gloria shook her head. “It’s not nothing if it makes my baby upset.”
But it had to be nothing. If she made her love for Brandon into something, it would fudge all her plans up. Not only did he not love her back, but she’d also start second-guessing her decision to leave. It was the most sacred vow she’d made to herself and she had to follow through with it. Otherwise the regret would be too much for her to live with.
What about the regret over Brandon?
What if they could really have something? What if her decision to fulfill a lifelong dream dashed away a chance at something real?
She dropped her head back to the chair. “I love a man,” she admitted.
Gloria was silent a moment. “Maybe I’m confused. But shouldn’t that make you happy?”
Not if the man didn’t love her back. And leave it to her mom to make it sound so simple. Everything was simple to Gloria.
“Explain to me why this is a problem,” her mother prompted.
“You wouldn’t understand,” Stella argued.
“Why, because I’ve never been in a real relationship?” Gloria countered.
Stella lifted her head and looked at her mom. “I didn’t mean—”
“It’s okay.” She sat back on her heels and rubbed a hand over Stella’s bad knee. “I know you don’t take me seriously. I’ve never given you any reason to. I wasn’t even going to try and give you advice or anything. I was just”—she lifted one shoulder—“going to listen. Because sometimes we need someone who’ll just listen.”
Going to her mother with her problems wasn’t something Stella was experienced with. And how sad was that? Gloria had been too consumed with her own life to notice anything wrong with Stella’s. So she’d learned from a young age how to keep everything bottled up. Not to burden anyone else. Handle it herself. Which she had. So much that she’d become good at it. She’d learned the art of humor as a defense mechanism. When someone got too close, throw them off with humor.
Was that what she’d done with Brandon? Was that why their relationship had never progressed? Because she’d been unknowingly pushing him away? Keeping him away from the darkness that lurked underneath the sunshine. Not allowing him to help, because helping herself had become so second nature that she automatically pulled away from someone who had nothing more than good intentions.
“I can’t love him,” she told her mom.
Gloria tilted her head to one side. “Why the heck not?”
“Well for one thing, he doesn’t love me back. He’s…cautious.” Like me. “He’s been burned before. So he won’t get into a relationship with anyone unless he’s sure it’s the real deal.”
“And why can’t it be the real deal with you?”
Stella lifted her shoulders “Because I’m leaving.”
“But not forever,” Gloria pointed out.
“Yeah, but…” What had been her argument again? She couldn’t even remember now. “What if he’s moved on when I come back? Or what if they offer me a full-time teaching position?”
Gloria folded her hands on Stella’s knees. “Does he know how you feel about him?”
Knowing Brandon, he probably had a good idea. “I don’t think so.”
Gloria laughed, as though her daughter’s logic was hopelessly flawed. “Well, how can he know not to move on if he has no idea how you feel? How do you know he won’t wait for you?”
Because Brandon wasn’t the waiting type. He’d want to jump in, headfirst, and then Stella wouldn’t be able to extract herself. Physically or emotionally.
“Honey.” Gloria leaned forward and rested her hands on Stella’s thighs. “I may not have any clue what to do in a relationship, but I know what not to do. And it’s this.”
Stella’s brow pinched. “What?”
“Sulking,” her mom answered. “Hiding. Not taking a chance.”
“I’m not sulking,” Stella muttered.
“But you’re hiding,” her mom pressed.
She’d been hiding for so long that Stella hadn’t even realized she’d been doing it anymore. First, hiding behind her dancing. The stage and the movements had taken the place of loneliness and insecurity, instead showing the world a strong, confident young woman who could tackle anything. Then humor had been her vice, masking the loss of her passion and pushing people away before they could scratch too deep.
“I’ve never really told you about your dad,” Gloria went on, surprising Stella with the subject matter. Her mom never talked about Stella’s dad. She’d always brushed it off as a casual thing that had resulted in pregnancy and her father hadn’t been interested in a baby.
“Yeah, you have,” she reminded her mom.
Gloria shook her head. “Not the whole story.” She fiddled with a piece of lint on Stella’s leg and blew out a breath. “Your dad never knew about you.”
She stared at the top of her mom’s head, taking in the stray strands of gray hair growing amongst the darker ones. “What do you mean? You told me he took off after you got pregnant.”
“I lied,” her mom whispered. “He…We had one summer together, and I fell in love with him.” Gloria swallowed. “He had already made plans to go back to college in the fall. And I honestly didn’t think I meant anything to him. He never told me he loved me, never talked about calling me or writing. We were just having some fun. Fooling around like kids do. So I let him leave without telling him how I felt.”
“Or about me,” Stella concluded, trying to make sense of her mother’s story, which was completely different from the one she’d grown up believing. Why hadn’t her mom told her the real story?
“I didn’t find out I was pregnant until three weeks after he left. And this was before cell phones and I didn’t know his family.”
Stella inhaled and tried to squash down the ache in her chest. “Why didn’t you tell him how you felt before he left?”
Gloria sat back on her heels and stared at Stella out of tear-rimmed eyes. Was that guilt Stella saw? Or regret? She could never be too sure with her mom.
“Because I knew he didn’t feel the same way about me,” she answered. “He was already at Notre Dame, and I didn’t want to hold him back for some small-town girl who had nothing to offer him.”
“So…” Stella glanced around the room, unable to look at her mom. “My father has no idea I exist?”
“Oh, honey, I…” Gloria pushed her hair back out of her face. “I’m sorry.”