With her lip between her teeth, she grudgingly stood. Defeat and apprehension rippled from her every pore. After a few steps, she stopped, and with her head still down, she looked at me with only her eyes and asked, “Will you . . . ?”
I placed my hand at the small of her back and directed her toward the door. “Shhh, not here, Sara. We’ll discuss it in private.”
I guided her to the truck I’d borrowed from the private hangar. Her continued battle raged: Sara versus Stella. She’d straighten her neck and purse her lips, and then just as quickly she’d bow her head. By the time we’d made it to the motel in silence, I’d had enough. No doubt the death grip on the steering wheel was evidence of my own discontent.
What the fuck did I think I was doing, trying to convince her to return? Hell, there was an excellent possibility this plan would blow up in our faces. There were too many variables.
What if Benjamin and Raquel talked to Brother Raphael? After all, Brother Raphael was Benjamin’s overseer and one of the original Commissioners. He might be nice and kind, but he knew what really happened in The Light. He was the one who continued to formulate the pharmaceuticals.
I understood why Father Gabriel did what he did. I’d seen his mansion and heard the celebrations from the depth of the property.
But what was in it for Raphael, Uriel, and Michael?
They were intricate pieces of the puzzle. They worked diligently, yet to me they seemed sorely undercompensated.
During our drive Stella continually looked in my direction with a thousand questions, ready to bombard me, and just as quickly Sara would quell every one of them.
Sara knew the repercussion of questioning. She’d experienced it more times than I cared to remember.
Right now I wanted her questions. I needed them. I was a fucking chicken and needed her to begin this conversation, though I had no idea how it would go.
As I parked the truck outside the old motel, I took a deep breath and looked in her direction. When our eyes met, I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and make her forget the hours she’d spent with Thomas. I wanted to make her feel safe enough to tell me the truth about what he’d done. I wanted to see the love I thought I had seen nearly twenty hours earlier.
But I was a damn fool, because what I saw in those blue eyes was a whirlwind of contempt and suspicion. Despite what I’d been taught to believe, it wasn’t up to me to make anything happen. It was up to her.
I exhaled. “This is where we’re spending the night.”
“W-we’re not going back to the Northern Light tonight?”
My brow rose at her question. I was conditioned as well as her. Lesson after lesson had been recited, learned, and eventually regurgitated to other men followers. Beginning at the Eastern Light, I’d been made to believe that men were the stronger, smarter sex. We made decisions. Women didn’t question. They couldn’t.
“I-I’m sorry.” Her chin fell and her lip quivered.
I reached for that chin and pulled the blue gaze toward me. “No, Stella, it’s over. Never be sorry for your questions. I owe you a lifetime of answers, and it’s going to start tonight.”
CHAPTER 10
Sara/Stella
What did he just say?
Releasing my chin, Jacob said, “Let’s go into the motel?” It sounded more like a question than a command.
For the first time since Deputy Hill had handed me off to Jacob—the moment I realized my nightmare was not ending—my chest filled with air and my neck straightened. Incredulously, with my mouth agape, I turned in his direction. It was my turn to narrow my eyes.
Sighing, Jacob reached for my hands.
I pulled them away. “What the fu—? What did you just call me?” I asked, with more anger in my tone than I’d ever used with him.
Nevertheless, the expression that stared back at me didn’t frighten me. I didn’t understand it and didn’t know what had happened, but something was different. No longer was Jacob my disciplinarian: he was my equal. Something in his dark eyes told me that he felt it too.
With only the lights from the outside of the motel, I scanned the man who claimed to be my husband. His face looked older and more tired than I’d ever recalled. Slowly he ran his hand through his dark hair as defeat filled his voice. “We’ve both had a long day. Let’s get out of this truck and go inside where we can talk. You deserve answers.”
“Answers? Answers?” My volume rose exponentially with each word. “I fucking deserve a lot more than that!”
“Sara.”
“No! No! I’m not Sara!” Blood rushed to my ears and face. My body trembled as nine months of submission boiled out of me. I was losing control, and I knew it. “I’m Stella! And you knew it! You knew! Fuck you! You’ve known it from the very beginning!”