All of those things were addicting, but I knew instinctively the one I was going to have the hardest time quitting was the last one. Getting clean sucked. It left me wrung out and hollow on the inside. It left me feeling itchy and restless, always pushing back the urge to fade away and forget. It left me weak and lost. I’d always had a crutch to fall back on, an easy excuse to hand over whenever I messed up or made a mistake that hurt someone, a justification for why I was always hurting myself. It took a long time and lots of help to find my footing after I kicked the habit and there was a cold knot of fear in my chest that it was going to take a shitload more than that to get over my newest addiction.
We spent the rest of the day and all of the evening after Ben went and found my stuff wrapped up in each other. I learned that sex, when you had to get creative because of limitations, could be the most fun two people had together. I learned he was arrogant and bossy in bed just like he was out of it, and I was surprised to find that I didn’t mind taking orders and doing what I was told if it meant I got him inside of me faster. I’d taken control of my life in an iron fist when I decided to get clean. I held onto my sobriety with a grip that was unbreakable and, frankly, exhausting. It was refreshing to let my hold loosen and let someone else be in charge of making sure things happened the way they were supposed to, that nothing went off course.
I also learned that he could be gentle, but I preferred it when he was rough. Ben was a big man, with hard hands and sharp eyes. When he was soft and sweet, it melted something inside of me, something I didn’t know was frozen until he touched it. When he was impatient and hungry, when he was demanding and forceful, I didn’t melt…I burned. I lit up from the inside and I was pretty sure that made me glow on the outside. I’d never been the type of woman that glowed. I never felt bright enough, shiny enough, happy enough to glow. But Ben and his ragged voice and dirty words rasped harshly in my ear got me there and I didn’t want to ever go back to being dull and lifeless.
I also learned I could deep throat like a champ when I was inspired and that when a man with a beard and a talented tongue told you to sit on his face, you should never, ever refuse him. He made me see stars multiple times; even when I thought I was too tired, too sore, too spent for anything, he always managed to wring one last response out of me. It was like he was making up for all the forgettable sex I’d had in the past with men who would never matter. He was filling every single second of the moment we were in with experiences that would be impossible to top or outdo. No man was ever going to compare; he made sure of it and that twisted my heart into knots because when the sun came up in the morning and the doctor with the sexy voice showed up to take me back to town with him, our moment would be gone and I would spend the rest of my life searching for something that came slightly close to these stolen hours with a man I wasn’t supposed to know and couldn’t have.
After a shower that was more just the two of us rubbing our wet, slippery selves against one another, Ben told me he was going to take that beater of a pickup truck that suited him about as well as the flannel, up to the road to make sure the doc could get in. If he hadn’t said the words quietly and thoughtfully, I would have assumed he was anxious to get rid of me. But he had been watching me all morning long and I could practically see the wheels turning in his handsome head. He couldn’t go and I couldn’t stay, which was a problem…and he was good at figuring out solutions to problems. I let him go without a fuss, figuring he needed the time to get his thoughts and feelings in order before our fantasy was shattered by the harsh light of reality.
I believed if he really wanted to, he would figure out a way to get himself off of this mountain. But I was also used to disappointment and things not working out the way I wanted them to, so Ben was going to have to forgive me for stacking the deck in my favor. I crept over to the closet and dug around until my fingers landed on that ridiculously expensive watch he had stashed there. He might not want to claim me once I was out of his hair and out of sight, but there was no way he was going to let a watch that cost as much as single family home go without some effort to get it back.
When he came back, it was the sound of two engines, not one, rumbling outside the small cabin. I peeked out the window as an attractive man, several years older than both me and Ben, was climbing out of a pickup truck. He was tall, broad shouldered with dark hair, and what looked like an easy smile. He was far better looking than most of the doctors I’d ever been under the care of. Much more rugged and capable looking. I doubted he played golf on the weekends. He said something to Ben which made him scowl and turned toward the house without waiting for Ben to respond.
The doctor’s footsteps were heavy on the stairs leading up to the door and his knock was brisk as he pounded on the door mere seconds before walking in. “Echo, I’m Thomas MacKenzie. Let’s get you checked out and off this mountain before another storm moves in. I’m sure you’re ready to get back home.”
I wasn’t ready, but I’d learned long ago that running away from the things I didn’t want to face didn’t lead to anywhere good. I reached out and shook the hand he offered, taking a moment to really look at him. “Thank you for going out of your way to come and get me. I’m sure you’re busy, being the only doctor around for miles.”
I wondered if he could be the one. Was he the man my sister was so sure was the one meant for her? He was without question an extremely good looking man, and his smile was contagious, but there was something in his manner, an abruptness and dismissiveness that I couldn’t see Xanthe gravitating to. Faced with the potent MacKenzie charisma, it was easier for me to see why she had fallen and fallen hard.
“No problem. We look after everyone who wanders into our neck of the woods. A lot of folks come up here not understanding how dangerous it can be. You’re far from the first stranded tourist I’ve had to rescue.” He looked over his shoulder as the door opened and Ben came into the room. His eyes landed on me and then skimmed over the man in front of me as his beard twitched when he frowned. “You’re lucky you crashed so close to Ben’s cabin. A little farther up the road and no one would have heard a thing. You would have been stuck out in the snow until the road crews came through with the plows. All in all, you were very lucky.”
I lifted an eyebrow in Ben’s direction. “I am lucky.”