His arms tighten around me in response. He knows what this means. I fist the back of his shirt, bringing him closer. I always knew my time with him would be short. I just didn’t know how short or that it would be so hard to let go.
He kisses my neck. “I’m sorry.” Cradling my face in his hands, he kisses my cheeks, my nose, my eyes, my lips. “I’m so, so sorry.” He drops more kisses between words. “I’m such a fucking idiot. Please forgive me. I didn’t mean that stupid shit I said.”
“Yes, you did.”
He stops to look at me. “Okay I did, but I didn’t mean it mean it. I just had to work through all the crap I’ve been through to see what you did in a new way.” He puts his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry. I know you’re a good person who’s been through deeper shit than I’ll ever know. I’m so sorry.”
“Okay. Okay.” I push him back. He doesn’t owe me anything. I owe him. “Enough.”
“Are you all right?” He glances around the room behind him, only to find it empty. “Did everything go the way Mr. Nash said it might?”
“Pretty much exactly like he said it would. I like my lawyer. She’s awesome. Please thank Mr. Nash for getting her for me.”
“How long do we have?”
“I don’t know. They didn’t say. I wasn’t even sure they’d let me see you.”
He holds me to him. “I wasn’t sure they’d allow it either.”
“You’re really okay with everything?”
“Yeah. I am.”
“Thank you. That means a lot to me. I couldn’t go away with you still hating me. I mean, I would’ve. It just would’ve been a lot harder dealing with that and everything else too. So thank you.”
We lapse into one of our silences, holding on to each other. I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of him as he massages my scalp and we rock back and forth. I’ve had to say a lot of goodbyes in my life. None has ever been as hard as this one. There’s so much to say, and yet anything we say won’t be enough. I can feel him grappling with it too. He kisses the top of my head. I nuzzle against his chest.
“You once asked me what I wanted,” I say, looking up into his beautiful face.
“Yeah.”
“I want you.”
“I want you too.”
He kisses me and I can feel how very much he wants me. It’s more than the physical, which is an ache that won’t go away. It’s something deeper and harder to define. It’s inside us and in the air around us. I have a feeling it’s something that won’t fade with time and distance. I will always think about him and I will always want him.
He lifts his head, tracing his thumb along my lower lip. “What am I going to do without you?”
“I was going to ask you that.”
“There’s no chance…?” He growls and shakes his head. “I know there isn’t. I just…I wish I could visit you.”
“I know. Me too. I’ll be okay.”
“Really? ’Cause I’m not sure I will be.”
“I was lying. I won’t be, but I’ll manage. Go.” I push him away from me. “Meet someone new.” I step back until we’re separated. “Have a family. Get a dog. Buy a house. Have a good life.”
He looks lost with his arms out open for me. My vision blurs. I fight to keep the tears back and from diving into his embrace. It’s over. We’re over.
His arms fall to his sides. “I don’t want to do any of that.”
“You should. You deserve to be happy.”
“So do you. Are you going to find someone else? Have a family?”
Biting my lip, I shake my head. There’s no point in any of that for me. No one else is going to want me.
“You should go,” I tell him, my voice hoarse.
He looks at the door, then back at me, and does that slow-blink thing. I don’t know what he’s thinking or what he’s going to do. I want him to leave, but I need him to stay. The tension strings tight, bringing me to the balls of my feet.
“Only family can go with you,” he says slowly. “I looked it up.” Of course he did. He would. “We’re not family. But we could be.”
My heart practically stops in my chest. Everything slows. There’s an incessant buzzing in my ears. I have to force myself to take a breath so I can stop this line of thinking before it gets out of control.
“No,” I say, everything in me rejecting the hope. “We can’t. We can’t ever be a family.”
He takes a step toward me, his face breaking into a grin. “We could.”
“No. Stop saying that.”
“Vera. Think about it.”
“You idiot, I have thought about it!”
He takes another step, making me take one back. If it’s possible, his smile gets even bigger. “You’ve always been so much smarter than me.” He advances again.
I put a hand up to stop him. “No, Beau. We can’t do this. You don’t know everything about me.”
“I know everything I need and want to know.” He takes my hand in his and drops to one knee. “Vera—”
I yank my hand from his and back away, needing some distance and perspective. “Don’t. Please, don’t.”
“Marry me.”
“No.”
He gets to his feet. “Why not?”
“What about Cora?”
“She’ll understand.”