I wish I could see it the way Vera does. She used what little power she had to affect a small change for girls who were younger than her, but she never really changed their situation. Javier going to prison for murder…that would’ve affected a fucking truckload of change. I’m na?ve. I know. Even after everything I’ve been through, I fucking hold on to justice prevailing, even though justice bent me over and fucked me in the ass.
And I’m hurting her with it. She called it a punishment. Fucking hell. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get past it? Why can’t I shrug it off and take the win where I can get it, like Vera? We’re alike in so many ways except this fundamental one. It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair.
Cora finds me at my lowest, most pathetic, standing outside Vera’s door. Her face creases with worry.
“Am I wrong here?” I ask her. “Sam French is a kid-fucking bastard, yet I can’t justify him going to prison for a murder he didn’t commit.”
She starts at this new information. “He’s a what?”
“Vera says he liked the little girls. She was glad to put him away. But me? I don’t fucking know. How can I not fucking know?”
She glances at the closed door. “I can’t…She said that?”
“Saving those girls from one sick fuck didn’t save them from all of the other sick fucks who paid to rape them. I’m expecting too much here, aren’t I? Tell me I am.”
“You are. You fucking are. And you’re not. I didn’t think. I didn’t imagine. Where she comes from is not right. The way she talks about it…Beau, she’s my age. I keep going over in my head the things she said. I didn’t believe them at first. She says them like she’s relaying something she heard from someone else. Like they didn’t happen to her. That’s fucking messed up. She’s messed up. How could she not be?”
“See, that’s the thing. She is and she isn’t. Sometimes she’s the most sane, most logical person I’ve ever met. Not sometimes, most of the time. I can’t explain it right. Uugghh.” I thunk the back of my head against the wall in frustration. “There’s so much more to her than what she shows. I don’t have words for what she’s done for me. I owe her.”
“That’s not all you feel about her, is it?”
“No.” I can’t help being depressed about that.
“You care about her.”
“Jesus. You care about passing a test. You care about being late for work. You care about your favorite TV show. What the fuck is care?”
“Oh, Beau.” She sounds both miserable and glad. “What are you going to do?”
“Nothing. Not a fucking thing.”
“Well, that’s stupid.”
“Excuse me?”
She taps my forehead. “Figure it out, asshole.” Then walks away. Just walks away. Like I’m supposed to understand what she means.
“What the fuck?” I mutter.
I stand at the door until my legs get tired and I slide down the wall to sit on the floor. Savannah’s passed me three times, giving me odd looks. Cora came out of her office, looked down the hall at me, shook her head, and went into the file room. She repeated the process on the way back to her office. I know I’m fucking pitiful. I brace my arms on my knees and rest my forehead on my hands. I’m waiting for something. A miracle, maybe. I don’t know. There’s nothing to do. We’re at a place where we’ve gathered all of the information we can and now we’re hoping it’s enough for the authorities to want to take over. Wait. Wait. Wait. I was never good at it as a kid, and I suck at it even more as an adult. Prison was one giant fucking wait.
The conference room opens and Vera comes out. She jerks to a stop when she sees me. “What are you doing?”
“Waiting.”
“For what?”
“I don’t know.”
“Where’s the bathroom?”
“Around the corner, on the other side of reception. There’s a hall. I’ll show you.”
“The office isn’t that big. I can find it.”
I get to my feet.
“What? You think I’m going to dive for the door as soon as your back’s turned?”
“Just come on.” I lead the way and wave her toward the ladies’ room.
When she comes out she rolls her eyes at me, then goes back into the conference room and closes the door. I take up my position outside again.
Mr. Nash finds me there almost an hour later. He shakes his head at how pathetic I am. “Get up, son. Let’s go tell Vera the good news and the not-so-good news.”