“Some days, I’m not sure I am.”
Calvin started walking, and I jogged to catch him. We wandered down Trent’s driveway, onto the dark dirt roads. I wanted to hold his hand so badly, but I didn’t know what it meant that Cal had come to the party. He said he’d forgiven me, but you can forgive someone and still never want to see them again.
“It’s fucked up, you know?” Cal said. “I saw these pictures of myself—pictures Coach took while I was drugged—and I don’t remember them. But I still love him and I think he loved me. Isn’t that fucked up?”
“No. Reevey is fucked up. He hurt you, and that’s not your fault.”
Calvin walked with his head down and his back bowed. “I feel like he stole part of my life I’ll never get back. I feel like there’s nothing left for me.”
“I’m here for you, as a friend or more. It’s totally up to you. I’ll respect whatever choice you make.”
“You love Tommy,” Cal said. “I know it and you know it. You’ll always love him.”
“True, but Tommy’s not here. I don’t know where he is, and I may never find him. But maybe he’s where he’s supposed to be, and maybe I’m where I’m meant to be too.”
We walked for a while, not talking. I wasn’t sure whether I believed what I’d said. It was true that I didn’t know if I’d ever find Tommy, but I didn’t know if I believed never finding him would be okay. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to move on with my life if I couldn’t at least tell him good-bye. It was all so confusing, and Calvin complicated my life even more.
“Can we go somewhere?” Calvin asked when we reached the end of the street. He slipped his hand into mine and stared into my eyes. Without the moonlight or the stars, it was almost impossible to see his face, but I imagined I could still see his eyes, and they were beautiful.
“Sure,” I said. “I think I know just the place.”
1.89 MI
I LAY IN THE DARK on the floor of my old bedroom beside Calvin. Sweat chilled my skin, and my chest rose and fell heavily.
I’d had a feeling that, even though my parents had vanished, my old house would still be empty. That the universe would have come up with a reason to keep anyone from moving into the house in which I’d once lived with people who no longer existed. And I’d been right. I didn’t have a key anymore, but the sliding glass door on the far side of the house had been open. It hadn’t even felt like breaking in this time.
“You all right?” I asked Calvin.
“No,” he said.
I hadn’t intended to have sex with Cal—that’s not the reason I’d brought him to my old house—but then he was kissing me in my bedroom, and he was unbuttoning my shirt and pants, which now lay in a heap on the floor in the corner. His hands had trembled. He was scared of the drop—we both were—but we’d reached the top of the incline and had fallen together, and we hadn’t crashed. We’d survived. At least, I thought we had.
I sat up on my elbow. “Was it . . . was it bad?”
“God, no. It’s not you, Ozzie. I just—”
“What?”
“I thought doing it with you would make me happy. That being with someone who cared about me would fix everything. But it’s all the same. I’m still the same.”
“I’m sorry, Cal. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have—”
“It’s not your fault, Ozzie. I wanted to do it; it was my decision.”
“Do you want to go back to the party?” I asked, because I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“Party?”
“At Trent’s house.”
“Who’s Trent?”
I crawled across the room, dug my phone out of my pocket, and pulled up a map. The entire world, the entire universe had shrunk again. Everything west of my house was gone, and there wasn’t much left east, either. Just some of the beach and the ocean. And each time I reloaded the map, the world shrank a little more. I didn’t even know where my phone had come from. Who’d built it or where I’d purchased it. I’d thought the universe was confusing before Tommy had disappeared, but the smaller it got, the less it made sense.
“What’s wrong?” Calvin asked.
“Everything’s gone,” I whispered. “I thought maybe it would spare Cloud Lake, but even that’s disappearing.”
“I want to see.” I started to hand Calvin my phone, but he said, “Not the map, the edge of the universe.”
We dressed in silence and darkness. Confusion rippled through me. Sleeping with Tommy had brought us closer together, but both times with Calvin seemed to drive us further apart.
“Did you ever figure out why the universe is shrinking?” Calvin asked while I sat on the floor and tied my shoelaces.
I shook my head. “No, and I don’t think I’ll be able to stop it before it swallows everything.”
“Oh.”
“I saw the roller coaster, by the way. Ms. Fuentes loved it so much she’s taking it to show her roller-coaster-building group.”
“Ms. Fuentes?” Calvin asked.
“Forget it.” My heart broke. He didn’t remember Ms. Fuentes or Trent, which meant he probably didn’t remember Coach Reevey either, but he was still affected by what Reevey had done to him. Not even the universe could fix what Reevey had broken.
I stood and helped Calvin to his feet. Our faces were so close and I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t. “Do you think this is my fault? That I’m the reason the universe is shrinking?”
“Maybe,” he said, and it wasn’t the answer I’d expected. “Honestly, I don’t know, but I think it means something that you’re the only person who remembers the way things used to be.”
“Doesn’t it seem weird to you that the whole of existence is just part of one small shitty town?”
“Not really,” Cal said. “Though I do find it odd I grew up so near the edge of the universe and have never gone to see it.”
“Are you sure you want to now?”
Calvin nodded. “Definitely.”
? ? ?
The beach wasn’t far from my house, so we walked. Outside, in the middle of the night, the universe didn’t just feel small, it felt deserted. We saw no people, no animals, no cars. As far as I knew, Calvin and I were the only humans in existence. It should have been comforting not to have to face the collapse of the universe alone, but it wasn’t.
I held Calvin’s hand while we walked, thinking back to that first night Tommy and I had slept together. I’d wanted to climb to the top of the tallest building and shout about it for the world to hear, but it wasn’t the same with Calvin. Instead, I wanted to keep what we’d done to myself. I wasn’t ashamed, but I did wonder if it had been a mistake. Maybe whatever invisible hand had pushed us together had only ever intended for us to be friends, and I’d crossed a line by allowing us to become something more. Or maybe it had never been about me at all.
We reached the beach road and found a path through the dunes. I kicked off my shoes and socks, and Calvin did the same. I knew something was different before we cleared the sea oats and bushes. I still hadn’t gotten used to the empty sky, but what I saw on the horizon was deeper than emptiness.