Elda patted Holly’s leg. “He’ll come around.”
“No, he won’t. And even if he does, I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be honest with someone about how I feel. I’ve been pushing people away for so long that I don’t know how to let anyone in. Texting with Danny while pretending to be you was the most open I’d ever been with anyone, and it was utter bullshit.”
“Imagine if you’d been honest with him right from the start.”
Holly sat up. She was face to face with her beautiful, perfect cousin, who had no idea about anything. “Let me tell you what would’ve happened, Elda: He would’ve said thanks, but no thanks. He would’ve told me he didn’t see me that way, and that we should just be friends. I’ve heard it a bazillion times. I let my guard down, and here I am again, crying into a pillow. I’m done. I’m out.”
“Is this how you’re going to live the rest of your life?” Elda asked.
Holly nodded.
“You’re going to keep every single guy you meet at arm’s length because you’re afraid of getting hurt?”
Holly nodded again. “That’s the plan.”
Elda lightly punched her cousin’s knee. “No offense, but that’s absurd.”
Holly shrugged.
“I mean it. It’s ridiculous. You’re telling me you’re simply going to sit there and accept loneliness for the rest of your life?”
“It’s better than being hurt over and over again.”
“Life is pain, Holly.”
Pain. What did Elda even know about pain? Holly pointed to the stairs. “Says the girl who could walk out on the street right now and get a million guys’ numbers without even lifting a finger.”
“You know what?” Elda stood. She waved her hands in front of her chest. “I’m done with this. Danny didn’t turn his back on you because of some imagined knock against your looks. He walked out because you’ve been misrepresenting yourself to him this entire time.”
Elda was right, but ugh.
“And,” Elda said, “you’re beautiful and unique. You’ve got an edge that I’ll never be able to pull off. Here’s your real problem: no one in his right mind would ever want to be with someone so closed off and defeatist.”
Oh, freaking please, Elda. “Can I have a second to wallow, please? I just had my heart broken.”
Elda folded her arms. “One second. Literally. No more.”
Holly drew in a deep breath and immediately blew it out.
“Okay, you good?”
Holly nodded.
“Super,” Elda said, “because here’s what you don’t seem to understand. You are an awesome person. Yeah, maybe I’m blond and skinny, but honestly, I’d give anything to have your brains or your funky style. Plus, you were always Grandma’s favorite.” Elda’s eyes brimmed with tears, and she tightened her arms around her chest.
“Elda, don’t cry.” Holly wrapped her arms around Elda.
“I’ve always been the pretty one, but you were always the cool one.”
“Oh, fuck you.” Holly laughed, nudging her cousin away.
Elda laughed, too. “I mean it. You were, like, too cool, above it all. You’ve never cared what other people think.”
“Not true,” Holly said. “I think I care too much sometimes, and that’s part of the reason I tap out socially the way I do, because if I put myself out there, it will show people exactly how cool I really am not.”
“Well, cool or not, you were the one with the big ideas and the imagination. You were the one who’d get the good grades and who Grandma would brag about to her friends.”
Holly scrunched up her nose. “No, she didn’t.” This was news to Holly.
“Oh, she for sure did. I’ve heard it a million times since we’ve been here—‘Oh, are you the one Dolores used to talk about all the time? The one who liked architecture and gingerbread houses? No? Well, never mind then.’ They have no time for me.”
Holly put a finger to her lip, tracing the line of her scar, which was weirdly numb, like the nerves had never properly healed. It matched the lack of feeling in the rest of her body. She was in shock—cold, dead shock. Not only had Holly driven Danny away, but apparently her grandmother had been bragging about her to her friends. Guilt was the only sensation leaping from nerve ending to nerve ending. She should’ve come here more. She should’ve made the time.
Life was too, too short.
Elda patted Holly’s knee. “Grandma had apparently been trying to set you up with Danny Garland for years, not me. You. Because she knew you and Danny were right for each other.”
Holly started to say something, but Elda cut her off. “Also, I’m used to guys looking at me all the time. I know the ‘he wants me’ look you’re talking about. Danny never, ever gave me that look, but he was constantly checking you out.”
If Elda was right, then Holly had definitely become so guarded and insecure that she was totally missing the signs guys were allegedly sending her.
Holly sighed. Her breath was shaky. “Well, I screwed up, didn’t I?”
“Maybe not.” Elda stood up again, arms akimbo, like the superhero she was trying to be. “You spent the past week texting him for me; I’m gonna go talk to him for you.”
Holly jumped up and blocked the stairway. “No, no, no. I don’t need you to fight my battles. It’s what got us into this mess in the first place, right?” She had to do this on her own, for real. It was the only way she could ever possibly make things right with Danny. “Give me your phone.” She held out her hand.
“Again?” Elda cautiously placed her phone in Holly’s palm.
Holly pressed the four-digit code on Elda’s phone. “I’m just going to get his number out of your contacts. I’m going to text him, but this time I’m doing it as me.”
Chapter Eighteen
HOLLY: Hey, Danny. It’s Holly. Call me when you get a chance. Please.
HOLLY: I am so incredibly sorry. You have no idea. Actually you probably do.
HOLLY: The truth is, I’m bad at opening up to people. I suck at putting myself out there.
HOLLY: I’ve been looking at my grandma’s day planner tonight, and it’s like…she lived her life. She took risks. Maybe I need to take more risks.
HOLLY: (Game of Thrones “Come at me, Crow” Night King gif)
HOLLY: I should know better than to try to curry favor with you by sending you GoT gifs. I’m sorry for that, too. I realize by now that you’re not going to call, so I’ll just take the risk and say this: texting with you, spending hours every night getting to know the brain of THE Danny Garland? Best time of my young life so far.
Chapter Nineteen
Sunday, December 24
Danny had been right. Everyone played games, and everyone had an angle. He was never going to find someone with whom he could just exist, be himself, let his guard down. He’d thought he’d found that person in Holly, but nope. She’d been playing him the whole time.