“Fuck you, Dan. Fuck you.”
“Evi…” Dan sidles over to me.
“You broke me. Both of you.”
I cup my mouth with my hand to muffle my sobs as I walk out to my car, suitcase in tow.
There are so many things I want to say, do, hit… but right now, I just need to get away.
He loves her.
He loves Mia.
Not me.
Maybe happily ever afters are overrated.
Two.
- September 2014 -
Babysitter Needed ASAP!
Looking for a live-in nanny to start ASAP. Pays very well. Experience with children preferred. Non-boring. References required. Please email for more information.
Nicholas Wilder
[email protected]
From: “Evi Halle” <[email protected]>
To: “Nicholas Wilder” <[email protected]>
Date: September 4, 2014 9:02 a.m. PST
Subject: Non-boring babysitting.
Hello Mr. Wilder,
My name is Evianna Halle, and I’m 25 years old. I saw the posting about your need for a live-in nanny, and I’m very interested. I’ve emailed a LOT of people, so I hope you respond to this. I also feel the need to state that I am non-boring (am I reading that right?). If so, I think we’ll get along just fine.
I don’t have a lot of experience with children, but you’ll find that I learn fast. I have a younger brother, so while I don’t have “professional” experience, I do have a lot of personal experience with children. Well, one child, but he’s pretty high-maintenance, so I think I can handle anything. Except poop. I don’t think I can handle poop.
Sorry, was that inappropriate? I’ve sent so many emails; it’s possible that I’m losing my mind.
You probably want to know more about me, right? Or not… I’ve probably scared you off by this point. Right now I am living with my parents… long story involving an evil ex-boyfriend. The “live-in” part of this job posting pleases me for obvious reasons.
I feel like I should delete the last two sentences, but since this is the 1,458,987th email I’ve sent, I’m going to leave it. I have a feeling all of my job applications are being sucked up into the Cloud anyways. Off topic… but what is the Cloud? It sounds so ominous.
I just graduated from the University of Washington with my Master’s in English Literature. As expected, there are exactly zero job prospects for me, hence my email to you.
I swear I am a normal person looking for a normal job. If, by any chance, you are still interested in hiring me, I would be eternally grateful. I also like to bake cupcakes, so you’d have that as a bonus.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you. Hopefully.
Evi Halle
From: “Evi Halle” <[email protected]> To: “Nicholas Wilder” <[email protected]> Date: September 4, 2014 9:04 a.m. PST
Subject: Please ignore the last email!
Dear Mr. Wilder,
I apologize for my lack of professionalism in my previous email. Just know that I am a highly respectable and responsible adult who is more than capable of caring for your child(ren).
Thank you,
Evi Halle
P.S. If my day-to-day responsibilities do, in fact, include poop, that’s fine also.
P.P.S. My ex isn’t so bad. He’s not evil. Like, he won’t be coming after me with a knife or anything. He just cheated on me and broke my heart. But I’m fine. I am 100 percent emotionally stable. I swear.
From: “Evi Halle” <[email protected]> To: “Nicholas Wilder” <[email protected]> Date: September 4, 2014 9:06 a.m. PST
Subject: OMG… PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME.
Dear Mr. Wilder,
Again… apologies. I can’t believe I said that. Please ignore my last email. I’ve totally made this awkward now. I have a bad case of electronic word vomit, especially in situations like this.
I hope you’ll still consider me. I’m the kind of person who really shines in person, not via email.
Obviously.
Best,
Evi Halle