“I’m not so sure of that.” Calming herself, she ran her fingers through her disheveled hair, plucking out the few remaining star pins. I picked up a couple scattered on the floor and handed them to her. “I’ll just leave it down,” she said, tossing them on the table. “My hair’s at this weird in-between stage where it’s so long that it gets in my way, but not quite long enough to braid or stay put up, even without you tearing at it, and—what?”
“What do you mean you’re not so sure of that?” I said, sounding reasonably rational, which I wasn’t. Since my throat was dry, I poured some wine into a crystal goblet. The other one had been what broke, so I gave the intact one to her and retrieved my mug from by the fire. “You sent me away.”
“I let you go,” she corrected. “Because you said you wanted to leave.”
I took a deep breath. And, thrice curse it, refilled my already empty mug. Glorianna give me patience. “What I want doesn’t matter. You and I know this has to end sometime.”
“I don’t know any such thing.” She tossed her hair defiantly. “I hear you natter on about it, but you’ve never given me one good reason why.”
I gritted my teeth. “I have so. You don’t listen. To me or to anyone.”
“Then tell me again. Right now. We love each other. Explain to me why that’s not enough for you.”
“It’s not about me!” I gripped the mug so hard I thought the metal might give under my hand. “Love isn’t some cure-all. People can love each other and it still destroys them. Better we end this sooner, before we cause irreparable damage.”
“Damage to who and what?” She demanded.
I shook my head, unable to explain the hugeness of it, growling at her, incoherent with all those things I could never explain.
“Won’t you talk to me, Ash?” Ami asked, in a much softer tone. She eased closer, her hand out, like she might with a wild dog. She laid her fingers on me, gazing up with eyes full of compassion. “Trust me with this. What is this terrible thing that might happen? Is this about your parents?”
I put my hand over hers, pressing her hand to my heart, still unable to find the words. I couldn’t escape that gaping sense of vulnerability, of never being able to explain to Ami how my father’s love had killed my mother, how I’d been so bent on avenging him that I left my mother alone and unprotected. I’d loved her with all my being and I’d let her die, too.
I must have been disoriented, because it felt like the stones moved under my feet. Except that Ami flattened her mouth into an unhappy line, glancing at the ceiling. Something muttered in the background of my mind, a lonely howl beneath the roaring of the Mornai storm. The scent of scorch and decay wafted past—but in my mind, because the candle flames stayed straight and serene.
“Glorianna save us,” I whispered, reflexively drawing Her circle in the air.
Ami inclined her head. “I’ve certainly been asking Her to. Though you might appeal to Moranu—I suspect awakening dragons falls to the goddess of magic and shapeshifting.”
13
“Why didn’t you tell me the dragon was awake enough to shake the castle?” I demanded for the third time, bolting the delicious, if lukewarm, meal as fast as possible. Ami had pleaded hunger and pointed out that I’d be more reasonable with a full belly. Since I knew I was feeling far from reasonable, and some time to cool my wildly stirred emotions couldn’t hurt, I’d agreed. I had to admit, food helped a great deal to take that edge of desperation away.
“What could you have done about it, Ash?” Ami replied with some impatience. It took me a moment to realize she meant the dragon. “Up until last night, you were on the verge of dying.”
“You should have told me the moment I was lucid.” I should have figured out before now that the howling and muttering in my thoughts came from outside my nightmares. If I weren’t so fucked in the head, I might have realized sooner. Some warrior I was, unable to discern the shrieking of his inner demons from the outer ones.
“Arguably I’m still waiting for that moment to come,” she replied sweetly.
“Cute.” I pushed back my chair and checked the draw of my short blade.
“What are you doing?” She frowned at me suspiciously.
“I’ve eaten, as directed, and now I’m going down to check out the tunnels.”
“Oh no, you are not, mister. You’re going back to bed.”
I raised a brow at her. It would be better to have my sword, though I couldn’t wield it well with that hand. Not as well as the short blade, but having the extra length might be worth the tradeoff in loss of dexterity. Dragons were big, so precision might not be as important as a bit more distance. I’d better get the sword.
Ami had stood, wrapping her hand in my belt and yanking me to her by the hips before I took a step. “Did you hear me?”
“I’m not Astar to be sent off to my room. Have Graves or any of the men gone to investigate?”
She looked aside and released me. Then followed when I kept walking. “No, I ordered them not to.”
“Ami.” I tried to keep my voice gentle, much as I wanted to shout at her for her foolishness. “Danger doesn’t disappear just because you ignore it.”
She snorted inelegantly. “This from the king of denial.”
“What does that mean?”
“Give it a little thought.” She leveled me with a fierce glare. “Come back when you want to have an actual conversation about your feelings.”
I wasn’t at all sure how we’d gone from discussing an awakening dragon making the stones of Windroven shake beneath our feet to something as irrelevant as my feelings. Having no reply, I said nothing.
“Well, I guess that non-response says everything,” Ami commented. “At least take Graves with you. Maybe Skunk and some of the other men.”
“I’ll do better on my own. Faster.” Plus I’d learned a few mind-tricks in Annfwn about hiding my presence. The skilled practitioners could shield a whole group, but I was far from skilled. Ami followed me into her rooms. “Where did you put my sword?”
She pointed to one of the side chambers, where I found my leathers and other equipment, cleaned and neatly stacked. I eyed the leathers dubiously. Better to wear those, but I doubted I could get into them on my own. Glancing at Ami, I found she stood with arms folded, a stubborn tilt to her chin. “I’m not helping you with this fool’s errand,” she informed me.
“I understand. The leathers would protect me better, but I can do without.”
She gave me the look of complete exasperation normally reserved for Willy and Nilly at their most impossible. Then threw up her hands and looked to the sky. “Why did you have to make me love this man?” It seemed Glorianna gave her no good answer because Ami leveled a defiant glare on me again. “Fine, I’ll help you into your leathers, after I put on mine. I’m going with you.”
“You absolutely are not.”
“I’m not Stella, to be told what to do,” she neatly threw my words back at me.
“Stella listens about as well as you do,” I muttered.
Ami was already digging her leathers out of a cabinet in the next room. I’d never noticed there was a series of chambers, one leading into the next, with storage and another room with a bed in it. “Is this where you’ve been sleeping?”
“Mostly I’ve been sleeping in that chair next to the bed. But last night, once your fever broke, yes, I came in here, so I wouldn’t disturb you.”