“Why?” I ask.
Now she looks like she’s not sure what to say. “I don’t know. I was just wondering.”
I take a breath. “Actually, I’m not really sure how it’s going.” At least that’s honest.
“Why not?” she asks.
This is uncharted territory for us, and I have another sudden revelation. I’ve always considered our unspoken pact to be something that protects her. But it occurs to me as I choose my words, that more than anything, I’m protecting myself. Because if we get too deep into this topic, how am I going to avoid telling her that the real reason I’m shit with women is that none of the women I’m with are her?
I wouldn’t be shit with her. Fuck, I really wouldn’t.
I’d be different with Kylie. I wouldn’t push her away. I’d cherish her, like she deserves to be cherished. I’d let her in.
Damn it, why do I keep thinking this way? This is what I was trying to stop doing.
I take a deep breath. All right, if we’re going to have this conversation. “There are good things about her,” I say, testing the waters, “but I’m not sure if this is right for me.”
“Maybe it just hasn’t been long enough,” she says. “Relationships take time to build.”
I nod, taking a swig of beer. “Is that what you think? That I need to give it more time?”
She pauses, chewing on her bottom lip. “If she makes you happy, then yeah.”
“Do you think she makes me happy?”
“Honestly, Braxton, I wouldn’t know. You seem happy, I suppose.”
Okay, so if she can ask, does that mean I can too? “So, how are things with Derek?”
She hesitates. I love that she hesitates. It means she has a reason, something that makes her think. “Good, I guess.”
“You guess?” I ask.
“Well, yeah, it hasn’t been that long,” she says. “There are good things about him, too.”
“But?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” she says. “Maybe there isn’t a but.”
“I could hear the but,” I say.
She laughs. “Now you sound like you’re trying to talk dirty again.”
I raise an eyebrow and grin at her. “You want me to start talking dirty?”
She lets out an exasperated sigh. “Derek is fine. He’s a good guy. He’s nice to me, and he’s fun to hang out with.”
I pause, watching her. God, I want to fuck this woman. I want to fuck her so hard, and so good, she’ll never want anyone else for the rest of her life. I want to give her every inch of me, bury myself deep inside her, show her how long I’ve wanted her.
“I’m not the man you think I am, Kylie.” Shit. That’s not what I meant to say.
Her eyes are on me, but I don’t meet her gaze.
“What do you mean?” she asks.
I take another drink of beer. I need to adjust my dick because it’s trying to stand straight up, but she doesn’t look away. “I thought I was doing the right thing, but I feel like maybe I’ve made it all worse.”
I expect her to ask what I’m talking about, but she just stares at me. “Maybe things can still be better,” she says, her voice quiet.
I freeze, staring at the water. My body aches with need for her. I want to scoop her up in my arms, pull her on top of me, and kiss her until neither of us can breathe.
This is wrong.
I’m trying to do things right. Neither of us are single. I might be an unbridled asshole, but I won’t be that guy.
I get up and walk inside before I do something I’ll regret.
As soon as Selene gets back with groceries, I make a bee-line for the booze.
I regretted coming here the moment we arrived. I know Selene wants to turn us into a little Friends-esque group of three and three, but there’s just no way that’s happening. Despite the fact that Aubrey is nice to me, it’s fake. I know it’s fake. I’m not sure what her game is, but there’s no sincerity about her. Not with anyone.
She’s using Braxton for his money, and it pisses me the hell off. She’s not the first gold digger he’s attracted, but she seems more insidious than most. She hides it so well. I hope he’s being careful with her, because she totally strikes me as the type to get knocked up on purpose.
I take my Solo cup—mostly rum, with a little splash of coke—and sit at the kitchen table. I haven’t seen Braxton since he started talking like a fucking alien took over his body, then walked off without another word. His voice made me shiver more than usual when he said he’s not the man I think he is.
What did that mean?
Derek gets back from his run, all sweaty and flushed. He takes a bottled water out of the fridge and swallows half of it in one go. “Hey, babe, I need a shower. Wanna join me?”
I probably should want to join him, but I’m not in the mood. Like, at all. I give him an apologetic smile. “I just poured a drink, and this book is so good.”
He doesn’t look disappointed, just shrugs. “All right. I’ll be down in a bit.”