But I don’t let an ounce of that show. I put a hand on Aubrey’s thigh. I smile at Selene. I laugh when Matthew makes a shitty joke. I can’t quite look at Kylie, but I try to hide that, too.
I keep it casual. Easy. Like this night is nothing more than a bunch of friends hanging out, having a few beers.
Because that’s what it fucking needs to be.
I don’t want to admit it, even to myself, but I’ve been avoiding Braxton and Selene.
Whenever they want to hang out, I’m quick to make an excuse: I’m tired from a long week at work, I need to go visit my dad, I’m going to chill at home. I can tell Selene is annoyed with me. Her texts keep getting shorter. I feel bad, and I’ve almost apologized at least ten times. But every time I try to say sorry I haven’t been around lately, I come to the part where I explain why, and I can’t.
I’ve been the odd woman out before. That’s usually mildly annoying, but it’s never stopped me from hanging out with them. I might decline a group dinner, but meet up with them for drinks another time. Or find ways to hang out with them without their dates. But lately, I just can’t do it.
I don’t understand why. What kind of person can’t be happy for their friends when their friends are happy? That’s all kinds of fucked up. Selene and her new guy are getting along well, and Braxton seems like he’s actually found someone outside the tall, blond, resting-bitch-face mold. Aubrey didn’t even seem like she hated me, which was weird as hell. I should be glad for them.
But I’m not.
I know I should stop telling myself this is about both of them. If it was just Selene, I’d have no issues. I am glad for Selene, genuinely.
Which means it’s about Braxton, and I do not want to explore what that means for me.
So I keep making excuses and avoiding the entire situation. Great plan, right? Real grown up of me.
But today, I can’t make an excuse and I can’t ignore them. It’s Mother’s Day, and the three of us have a tradition to keep.
I don’t particularly like Mother’s Day. Both parental holidays are tough on Selene and Braxton, so that’s certainly a part of it. But whereas Father’s Day just means the three of us hang out with my dad, Mother’s Day is tough on me, too. Talking about my mother still doesn’t come easily to me. I haven’t spoken to her in years. She left my dad for another man when I was little. Moved off to California and started a new family, leaving Dad and me behind. I didn’t see her much as a kid, other than the two weeks I was forced to stay with her every summer—until I was thirteen and refused to go.
I didn’t get in trouble for that act of rebellion. There was no coaxing or cajoling me to get in the car and drive to the airport. Dad acted upset, then had a phone conversation with my mother behind a closed door. And I never went to California to stay with her again.
It’s more or less impossible not to feel pretty fucking abandoned when your mother leaves you. What was so wrong with me that she didn’t want me? It wasn’t that she didn’t want kids; she had three more. I looked her up on Facebook once, a few years ago, and her feed was full of posts about my half-siblings. Bragging about their accomplishments, posting pictures of them all together. What a fucking shit show. I blocked her, even though she’s never made any attempt to contact me.
So with Selene and Braxton’s mom gone, and mine being the unloving narcissist that she is, we’ve always spent Mother’s Day together. It’s just what we do.
I head over to Braxton’s gym where we’re meeting up. There are a couple of cars parked out front—Braxton’s being one of them—but no sign of Selene. I consider waiting in the car until she shows up. This isn’t a bring a date sort of day, so I’m positive Aubrey isn’t here, but I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I don’t like the idea of being alone with Brax right now.
I blow out a long breath. This is stupid. I’m building this up in my mind so much that I’m all worked up over nothing. I’ll see Braxton, and it will be the same as it always is. We’ll go do our weird little Mother’s Day ritual: a ferry ride from Seattle to Bainbridge and back, then dinner at this little hole-in-the-wall Mexican place in Belltown, before we go visit their parents’ grave sites. I can totally handle it.
I walk in the front door and find Braxton putting equipment away on the other side of the gym. The sight of him hits me like a train; my lungs go empty like he’s just sucked all the oxygen out of room. Burned it up with the heat of his body.
He gives me an easy smile and I do my best to smile back.
See? This is fine. Completely normal.
“Hey, baby girl,” he says, as he saunters over to me. “How are you? I haven’t seen you in a while.”
I lift one shoulder. “I’m good. Same. How about you?”
He nods. “Good. Same.”
We both pause and I hate the fact that I feel awkward around him.
“So, did you have a client this morning?” I ask.