In the distance, a sailboat was hoisting a tiny white triangle into the air like a flag of surrender.
The twins came stomping into the kitchen, exaggerating each step to show off their light-up sneakers to Bear and, Finn could see right away, to one-up each other. Bear padded in barefoot behind them, his hair flattened to his head on one side and spiked out dramatically on the other, his lanky little body clad in tight thin cotton pajamas patterned with surfboards and palm trees. Violet had picked them out especially for their vacation, and Finn saw Caitlin’s almost imperceptible wince as she took them in. He was what they call a sorry sight.
“I’m hungry,” he announced to Caitlin by way of greeting.
She smiled brightly at him. “How about blueberry pancakes? And scrambled eggs? With cheese?”
“Yummy!” Bear cheered, embracing her legs.
“Mommy, do we have two breakfasts?” Gus asked. “We already had cereal.”
“Since Bear hasn’t had breakfast, yes, we will have two. Boys, this is our very special visit to cheer up Bear, remember. So Bear gets to pick.”
“Bear wants to watch ‘Thomas,’” Leo said, sticking out his bottom lip defiantly.
“Leo, that’s not how it—”
“‘Thomas the Train’?” Bear asked, already smiling.
Caitlin clapped her hands together. “Well, then!” she said. “Uncle Finn will turn on the DVD while I get those pancakes started.”
Finn knew she was dismissing him, and he decided to let her.
14
AUGUST 2016
It had seemed safe, stepping out for only a few minutes. Violet was out of both milk and juice—two staples Bear couldn’t get through a day without. She had to keep hoping that he could come home any minute. And if and when he did, she wanted it to feel like home. Violet was reluctant to leave the house at all just in case he did come through that door, and she knew Gram would gladly honor a request to stop at the store for her. But the grocery was a short drive down the street; she could be there and back in ten minutes. It felt important to have some kind of purpose, to prove to herself and anyone else who might be paying attention that she could still get out and function in the world—she could still function as a mother. She just needed her kid back so she could do it.
But she didn’t count on running into anyone she knew. There, loading milk and creamer into his own cart, was Bear’s pediatrician. Bear had struggled with a bad run of ear infections after they moved to the higher altitude, and Violet had gotten to know Dr. Saito better than any parent should in a short year. When he saw her, he let out a small “Oh,” and simply opened his arms. She stepped into the awkward hug with a mixture of gratitude and helplessness, fighting the urge to run and hide. She felt … well, it dawned on her that she felt embarrassed. Her husband had left her. Dramatically. With her child. What kind of wife and mother must Dr. Saito take her for now? Violet stepped back. It felt rude not to smile but inappropriate to conjure one, so she merely stared at him blankly.
“How are you holding up?” he asked, and Violet’s eyes blurred with tears at the kindness.
The fact was, she’d always had a bit of a crush on the pediatrician. It was silly, really. He was a thin, soft-spoken, spectacled man, certainly not her typical idea of sexy. She knew the only thing that attracted her to him was that he cared so well for her child, the center of her universe. That, and the fact that she didn’t get out much anymore. Still, she’d entertained little fantasies of what might happen if she ran into him after hours. If Finn wasn’t in the picture, of course. Which was what made the fantasy harmless. Because Finn would always be in the picture. Pending some tragic act of God, it was preposterous that he wouldn’t be.
Dr. Saito reached into his pocket, removed a plastic sleeve of tissues with Elmo on the front, and handed one to her. “This is unfathomable,” he said. “I can’t imagine what you must be going through. The FBI came by my office, asking all sorts of questions about Bear’s well-being. It’s just absurd.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry you’ve been dragged into this. I’m sure that’s the last thing you have time for.”
“You are the last person who should be apologizing.”
“What did you tell them?” As soon as the words came out of Violet’s mouth, they seemed wrong. What if he thought she was prying because she had something to hide? “Don’t answer that,” she said quickly. “I shouldn’t have asked. I’m not thinking straight.”
“I told them the truth. That you are one of the parents I most enjoy having in my office. That you always seem to instinctively know when to be concerned about Bear, and when something is just growing pains. In these days of Google and WebMD, you wouldn’t believe how many parents show up every week in a certified panic over nothing.”
Violet couldn’t help but think of Caitlin, and she fought off a little smile in spite of herself. “I may have a friend like that.”
“Everyone does.” Dr. Saito rocked back on his heels. “In fact, the few times I met your husband, I’d say he seemed like the one more prone to illogical worrying—not something I see as much among the dads.”
Violet’s smile faded. “Really?”
The doctor shrugged. “Oh, he just seemed a little fearful that something would happen to Bear in his care. Nothing specific, just that he’d be faced with some situation where he wouldn’t know what to do. Lots of hypotheticals. He asked about car accidents, anaphylactic shock…”
Violet started, picturing that terrified little boy on the beach. “Anaphylactic shock?” She’d never had any inkling that it had stayed with Finn the way it had stayed with her.
He nodded. “But as you well know, that kind of worry comes from love.”
An increasingly familiar sense of dread began to fill Violet as she headed home. Although she felt that there was nowhere else she should be, she didn’t relish being trapped inside those walls again. Violet had tried to shake off the echoes of that last conversation with Gram, but she couldn’t. Every time she walked into the kitchen, she heard her words again.
It was like Gram had been able to sense something that had been bothering Violet all along. Even if she put aside all her anger at Finn, even if she pretended that he hadn’t been responsible for plunging her into this nightmare—that by some inexplicable trick of the universe he and Bear had vanished into thin air through no fault of his own—all of her feelings were concentrated with laser focus on how badly she wanted Bear back, with every bit of her being. Whether or not Finn returned was a point she would be willing to negotiate if necessary.