A shared desire for eventual and mutual self-destruction?
Leaving him to sleep on the couch, she took their wineglasses to the kitchen, where she flipped on the outside light to look at the falling snow. It was still coming thick and fast. Heavy curtains of white that blocked out the sight of anything else. At least half a foot had layered on top of the picnic table in the backyard. She clicked off the light and turned, letting out a soft yelp as she connected with a solid male body.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
She let herself be enfolded. Her cheek pressed the softness of his flannel shirt. In the dark of her kitchen, they moved slowly. Not quite dancing, but definitely not standing still.
“Are you tired?” she asked.
“A little.”
“Are you going to go home?”
“No,” Nikolai said.
She smiled against him. “Good.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Nikolai woke with the taste of her still on his lips. They’d made love slowly, leisurely, taking their time, and it seemed impossible now, after sleeping, that it wasn’t yet morning. Not even the hint of light peeked through Alicia’s soft curtains, so he contented himself with curling up against her back. Naked. Warm. He pushed aside the fall of her hair so he could press his mouth to the back of her neck. His hand curved over her hip.
She didn’t say anything, but she wiggled against him in a way that was definitely going to cause a reaction. He waited to see if she’d speak, or move again, but with a sigh, it seemed Alicia had fallen back into dreams. Nikolai closed his own eyes, no longer tired. He’d grown used to sleeping comfortably in any kind of bed, any kind of situation, but it seemed as he got older, he needed to sleep less, and without the clock to tell him it was nowhere near time to wake up, his body was considering starting the day.
He relaxed into the warm cave of the blankets and Alicia’s skin, instead. If he couldn’t sleep, at least he could enjoy this moment. He wanted there to be a lot more times like this.
It wasn’t going to end well.
How could it? Even if he could put aside the rise of jealousy that clenched his fists every time he thought about Ilya doing even one of the multitude of things Nikolai and Alicia had done, even if he could get past the incestuous tumult of being with his brother’s wife, there was no getting beyond the simple truth that he and Alicia had always been more like oil and water than air and fire.
No woman had ever made him so angry or pushed him so far beyond the limits of his temper. None had ever made him laugh so hard or feel so protective. He kissed her bare shoulder, tasting her. Breathing her in. It seemed that Nikolai could remember easily dozens of times when he’d been convinced he hated Alicia, but there was no time when he could not remember loving her.
“Are you awake?” he whispered into the darkness, half hoping she wouldn’t answer.
She wriggled against him. “Mmffff.”
It was enough of a response for him. He slipped his hand lower, over the softness of her belly. Lower still to the heat between her legs. A small, inquiring stroke of his fingers against her had Alicia arching with a sigh.
“Again?” Her voice, husky and low, sent a tendril of desire curling through him.
He dipped low to find sleek wetness, then drew it up and over her sensitive flesh. “Sure. Let’s give it a try.”
He loved the way her throaty chuckle turned into a rasping sigh when he circled his fingers against her. Loved the tense and release of her muscles as his touch aroused her. He could lose himself in the sound of her voice muttering his name and in the smell of her hair as he buried his face in it.
He loved her.
She’d been getting close—he knew it by the way her body had smoothed and formed itself to him—but at the stutter of his caress, Alicia tensed in a different way. She shuddered but did not go over. She twisted in his embrace to face him. Her heart pounded hard enough for him to feel it between them. When she spoke, her voice was ragged.
“Nikolai? What’s wrong?”
He kissed her so he didn’t have to speak. There weren’t words for what he wanted to tell her. Or rather, there were plenty of words, but none that he could make himself say. He wanted to fit himself inside her and move, to let their bodies have the conversation instead of their words. It was too soon for him, though. He couldn’t quite manage.
“Shhh, stop,” she said with her hand at the small of his back to hold him close but stop him from trying to make it happen.
“I want to, for you,” he said. Stubborn. Proud.
Alicia kissed his mouth. “Shhh.”
Minutes ticked past as she kissed him. After a few, she eased her mouth from his. She kept her hands on him, though.
“Are you worried about this?” she asked. “Because it’s not—”
“No.” He took her hand, fingers curled around him, and stroked to show her the way his body could respond.
It was faster this time than it had been earlier in the night. Harder. Fiercer. He’d tried to focus on her, to finish what he’d started, but he couldn’t manage to do that and finish himself. When the pleasure filled him, he bit back her name.
After, she pushed herself up on her elbow to trace circles on his chest with her fingertips. Over his heart. Across his ribs and up again, not tickling, though he did eventually put his hand over hers to keep from continuing.
At some point, the sun had started to come up. Pale, fresh light filtered through the curtains and lit the lines of her face. She wasn’t smiling.
“Nikolai. I want you to know how glad I am that you came home. How happy I am that you and I . . . that we’re here. Together, like this.” She paused. He stayed quiet. “I think you’re amazing and wonderful and all of this is great. I want you to know that.”
He wanted to tell her that he felt the same way. He wanted to tell her more than that. But when he tried to form the words, nothing would come.
“And I want you to know,” she added carefully, “that it’s all right if you have to leave. I would never expect you to stay where you didn’t want to be.”
When you loved someone, Nikolai thought, you gave them the power to hurt you. Worse than that, you made it possible to hurt them. To disappoint them. The last thing in the world Nikolai wanted to do was hurt or disappoint Alicia, at least not more than he already had in this lifetime.
So he didn’t say anything. Not with words. He kissed her and hoped she would be able to understand what he meant to say, even if he couldn’t manage to say it.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Snow. So much snow. Easily four feet of it, piled high in all directions. At least the power hadn’t gone out, and she’d gone to the grocery store a couple of days ago, so they weren’t going to run out of food.