I think his feelings were hurt. I just sat there, like the dud Margot said I was. He put a hand on my shoulder. I tilted my head just enough for my hair to brush against it, but not enough to be charged. I don’t know why I did it, but it seemed to jostle him into saying something relevant.
“Kel’s pretty mad,” he said, standing and pulling the book away. “Did you really steal an iChit? player?”
He put the book back behind the glass and closed the door. A light on the case flashed and then turned a steady, angry red.
“Why?” he asked me, as if I had said yes.
Even if I spoke, and even if I had the words, I don’t think Henri would have understood. It was an embarrassingly foolish thing to have done. Henri didn’t know what I wanted or needed to hear. Letting my hair brush his hand sent the wrong message. I had to get to the thing I needed. I held out my arm.
Henri looked at it. He saw the Cuff. His brow furrowed. What does she want? I could practically hear him think it. It took him a minute, but then he got it.
He crossed over to his closet and reached blindly inside. He pulled out his pack, and then, from its pocket, the blue, teardrop-shaped device. He made a swiping motion with it, to ask if I wanted my Cuff removed. I indicated nothing. I stood and swallowed and thought about Henri living alone. Did he have any family? Did he have any friends besides Margot and—I guess—me?
He took my hand. His hand was large and rough, and I could feel he was trying to be gentle. He swiped again, and my Cuff cracked open. He pulled it off. I realized I was holding my breath. I slowly let it out and breathed again.
The flesh on my arm where the Cuff had been felt prickly, cool and tender. A faint odor of moisturizer and old skin rose up. I stood and rotated my hand, like the muscle needed to stretch.
Henri waited for something more. Now what? We were both thinking the same thing. I looked at the metallic-blue device in his hand. I stood and took it from him. The weight of it surprised me. Henri took it back at once. He couldn’t let me have it. He couldn’t know why I wanted it, and it was his to account for.
Henri took a step closer, his chest in my face, and then he hugged me. I did not expect it to feel so nice. Henri smelled warm and sweet. I wanted to hug him back, but I just let my head press against him. No Cuff would record me. I lifted my arms, but underneath everything, that odd, ripe smell of bound flesh kept reminding me of how we were all trapped. I thought of Saretha on her couch and Sam at the window, growing quieter each day. I thought of Margot and her music. I thought of Mrs. Stokes in a cell. Whatever comfort I might have wanted or needed, if I hugged Henri back, Margot would be hurt, and Henri would almost certainly make more of it than I wanted or could handle.
I pushed him back gently, trying not to be too harsh. Henri’s face turned bright red.
“Kel didn’t think you would come,” he said, looking away.
They had discussed this? He picked up my open Cuff and turned it over in his hands like a bracelet.
“We kind of argued about you. She said none of us would ever see you again.”
That felt horrible.
“But she said if I was right—if you showed up, it would demonstrate you were sorry.”
He handed my Cuff back to me.
“I think she would give you another chance,” he said.
Another chance? For what? He seemed amused by my confusion. I stretched my neck toward him, my eyes demanding that he explain better. He was doing a terrible job.
“Unless you really don’t want to be a Placer anymore.”
I flopped back in the chair. Was this really an option? Kel might forgive me?
“Margot said you’d come. Henri, she will be at your apartment before you are even home,” Henri said, imitating Margot’s oddly exact phrasing. “I guess it took a little longer,” he added with a shrug.
Why did Margot think I would go to Henri and not to her? If I was going to apologize, or beg my way back, she would have been the logical choice. She couldn’t have anticipated what I planned to do—but she could have assumed I liked Henri the way Henri liked me.
I sat, blinking, deep in thought. Henri zipped his metallic blue Cuff remover back inside his pack and shaped the bag with his hands, like he was getting ready to go.
What should I do now? Go with him? Take the device by force? Beg him for it with my eyes? If I tried hard enough, Henri might put the device in my hands and suffer the consequences. Would Kel kick him off the team?
It had never occurred to me I might be offered my spot back.
Henri waited, and when I did not respond, he stepped closer, shrugged and held out his arms, as if to say, Are you coming? I looked at his bag. I wanted to go back to the group. Would they really have me? Henri wasn’t exactly reliable at reading Kel’s mood.
If she did let me come back, Kel would watch me like a hawk. If I wanted to get that little blue device, I would have to wait. I would have to be patient. My chest felt tight, thinking about it, unsure what was best. I didn’t know if I could let Saretha wait. Yet, if I was a Placer, I would have far more options. Could I have my family back, and this, too?
I felt awful closing the Cuff back over my wrist. It seemed to squeeze tighter. I hated the idea that I would eventually betray poor Henri, even if I got away with it. The thoughts in my head grew louder as I tried to defend what I was doing. I told myself I could work it out so that no one ever knew. Weren’t my reasons justified? If I was back with the Placers, I would at least stand a fighting chance of slipping it away, unnoticed, and I could return it before it was missed. I really wanted to hug Henri now, but I couldn’t. Instead, I followed him out into the night.
REMORSE: $35.99
I was a mess when we arrived on the roof of the Rock? Cola Bottling Company. Kel and Margot were waiting, laser-focused on my approach. I felt sick, but tried my best to look somehow less sweaty and shaky. A thick, sweet smell hung in the air.
Kel led us down to a spacious Squelch, rage blazing in her eyes. I wondered if maybe I had made a mistake. The expression behind her mask was harsher and more distant than when I’d first met her. That made sense; I hadn’t disappointed her that first night. She immediately began pacing.
“You willfully, and with forethought, risked the employment and good standing of each member of this team,” she rasped. Her use of chilly Legalese, combined with the fact she still had her mask on, made me shrink away. She stopped moving.
“You know that though, don’t you? That’s why you chose not to show up. You realized the gravity of what you’d done.”
My lip was trembling. I put my hand there to stop it. I felt like I was five years old.
Margot and Henri hung by the door, motionless, watching.
“Speth,” Kel said, jerking her mask off, “I’ve lost team members before to the temptation to steal, but it was always something of real value, or meaning, like a book. What you did makes no sense!”
I couldn’t explain it. I hated feeling like my actions were beyond my control.