She closed her eyes, then inhaled deeply. The reaction came in a matter of seconds, but I can recall the progression as if it were happening right now in slow motion.
It started in her shoulders. They rose almost to touch her ears. It reminded me of a cat when it becomes afraid, how its back arches up and its hair stands on end. Her face then contorted, forehead collapsing into her eyebrows, lips pursing together, then her open eyes, wide with terror. She jumped from the chair. Her arms flailed, fists closed, swinging at my hand holding the bleach and then at me. She caught me in the face, sending my glasses to the ground. My cheek began to swell instantly. I would have a bruise for several days.
But it is the scream that I remember most.
She stood in the middle of my office, holding her stomach, buckled over in half. Her back rose and fell with the overpowering heaves of her breath as the cries of agony poured from her body.
I have treated hundreds of patients and I have seen breakdowns of all kinds. Men have punched holes in my walls. Women have sobbed. Men have sobbed. Teenagers have yelled at me with obscenities that rival my patients in Somers. This was something beyond anything I had ever witnessed. And I knew Jenny was back in those woods.
I did not hold her. That would not have been appropriate. But I did grab hold of her arms to steady her. She pushed me away; her arms were still swinging wildly.
Stop it!
She screamed at me over and over. She was looking at me but not at me. I kept trying to grab hold of her until she finally let me. I walked her to the sofa and helped her lie down in fetal position. I texted her mother that we were ending early and to please come back from her errands.
“Jenny,” I said cautiously. “Where did you go? Can you tell me?”
She held herself, still crying, but calmer. Her hand was on her back, rubbing the scar.
“Close your eyes again. Take a deep breath. Let’s not lose this moment. What are you feeling? Can you tell me? Do you want to stop or keep going?”
She took a breath. She closed her eyes. Tears were streaming, pooling on the leather beneath her skin. She was so strong. So incredibly determined. And when she spoke, the way she said the words, and the raw emotions that were escaping the confines of her body and filling the room—I felt not only that I understood her. I felt like I was her that night.
I feel him. I feel his hand on my shoulder, pushing me to the ground. I feel another hand on my neck, like I’m an animal and he’s riding me. Oh God!
“Okay, Jenny.” I could barely get the words out. “What else do you feel? What else do you see? Do you smell the bleach?”
She shook her head. There’s nothing else! Where did it go! I want to see him. Who did this? Who did this to me?
Rage seemed to have taken over her body. She got up from the sofa and looked around the room, frantically.
“What do you need, Jenny? What is it?”
Then she found it. The bleach disk. She picked it up and pressed it to her face. It made her gag—it’s too strong to be that close.
“Jenny, stop! It can burn you, your nostrils and throat…”
She breathed it in again and then dropped to her knees. I could see it on her face then. It was beautiful but also profoundly devastating. We had found it. She had found it. One small memory of that night.
“What is it, Jenny? What are you remembering?”
It hurts so much. I can feel him, he’s tearing me, pushing harder and harder. I can smell him. I smell it on him. He’s on me like I’m an animal. Oh God! I feel him! I can’t stop him! I can’t stop it from happening! I feel him inside me. I can’t hear him, but the way he is, I don’t know! The way he’s moving. I’m an animal and he’s just riding me and it’s making him … I don’t know!
“You do know. What is it you know about him right now, at the moment he’s inside you?”
Oh God! Oh God! I can’t say it!
“Just say it. I already know, Jenny. So just say it.”
I know he feels satisfied.
I had no more words that day.
Chapter Seventeen
By the time Charlotte came for Jenny, we were both emotionally exhausted. I told Charlotte that it had been a productive but difficult session and that we would talk about it later. I suggested Jenny take a pill and get some sleep.