“Join a team or something. You’ll play soccer, right?”
“Yeah,” I say, though it hadn’t even occurred to me. We talk about which schools she’s applied to, and how if she does have to stay here next year, she might room with Asha. She sounds kind of excited about it. It doesn’t make me feel better about leaving, but it does make it a little easier.
As it gets later, she starts to nod off. I’m tired too, but I don’t want to miss these last minutes. I breathe her in. I let her put her cold feet against my legs. Around four, she can’t keep her eyes open, but I can’t close mine. They trace her arms, neck, collarbone, hips. My hands stay still. The moon casts shadow branches over the wall and her body and I memorize how she looks, right now, in her own bed.
When the light turns from silver to gold, I know it’s time to go.
She stays asleep when I slide my arm out from underneath her, so I decide not to wake her. I don’t know if it’s harder to be the one leaving or the one staying behind, but I lean down to kiss her forehead, and it hurts so much I almost can’t stand up.
But I do. And I leave her on her own.
RAYCHEL
I wake up crying.
I go back to sleep.
I wake up a few hours later, more lonely than I’ve ever, ever felt before. I hurt so much. I can’t believe how much I still hurt.
I should make myself get up. Eat. Shower. At least change clothes.
But I don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything. Ever.
I stretch my legs and something falls off the bed. Cussing, I roll over. There’s a photo album that’s not mine on the floor.
Except it is mine. It has my name on the cover.
Inside there’s page after page of us, smiling, laughing, arms around Andrew, holding hands, kissing cheeks. Our friends, his family—our family—laughing, laughing, laughing. I flip through quickly, hoping there’s a note, and I’m disappointed—the last page is just a strip of pictures, the three of us in the photo booth at the beginning of the end.
I start over, going slower, laughing and crying my way through. I knew Matt could see my underwear in those climbing pictures. When I reach the end, I’m positive I haven’t missed anything. All I have left are blank pages.
Andrew will never be in them, and maybe Matt won’t either.
But they gave them to me to fill. And the only way to repay them is to fill the pages well.
So I get dressed. I eat breakfast. I face the day.
I say yes.
RESOURCES
After the Fall is not a depiction of my high school years, but it’s informed by my own experiences as an assault survivor, as well as the unrelated loss of a friend during the aftermath of my own attack. I know how important the support of friends and family can be —and that it’s not always available. So if you or a friend needs help, or if you want to help create safe communities, please consult the list below. Take care of yourself, and each other.
HOTLINES
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) www.rainn.org
24/7 telephone hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE
Bilingual online hotline: online.rainn.org or rainn.org/es
Live chat also available
Suicide Prevention Lifeline www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
24/7 hotline: 1-800-273-TALK
Spanish: 1-888-628-9454
TTY: 800-799-4889
Love Is Respect
www.loveisrespect.org
bilingual 24/7/365 hotline: 1-866-331-9474
TTY: 1.866.331.8453
Text: loveis to 22522
24/7 online chat
The Trevor Project
www.thetrevorproject.org
24/7 hotline: 866-488-7386
Chat and text support available during limited hours Serving LGBTQ young people ages 13–24
OTHER RESOURCES
The Dougy Center: The National Center for Grieving Children and Families www.dougy.org
“The mission of The Dougy Center is to provide support in a safe place where children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a death can share their experiences.”
Know Your IX
knowyourix.org
“Founded in 2013, Know Your IX is a survivor-and youth-led organization that aims to empower students to end sexual and dating violence in their schools.”
Men Can Stop Rape
www.mencanstoprape.org
“[S]eeks to mobilize men to use their strength for creating cultures free from violence, especially men’s violence against women.”
National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women www.vawnet.org
“[A] comprehensive and easily accessible online collection of full-text, searchable materials and resources on domestic violence, sexual violence and related issues.”
National Sexual Violence Resource Center www.nsvrc.org
“The NSVRC’s mission is to provide leadership in preventing and responding to sexual violence through collaboration, sharing and creating resources, and promoting research.”
Not Alone: Together Against Sexual Assault www.notalone.gov
“Information for students, schools, and anyone interested in finding resources on how to respond to and prevent sexual assault.” Resource page includes information for survivors who are people of color, Native, LGBTQ, disabled, immigrant, male, and more.
Take Back The Night
takebackthenight.org
“Our mission … is to create safe communities and respectful relationships through awareness events and initiatives. We seek to end sexual assault, domestic violence, dating violence, sexual abuse, and all other forms of sexual violence.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
All my love and gratitude go …
To everyone at Regal Hoffman and Associates, Wolf Literary, and Foundry Literary + Media, especially Michelle Andelman, who never gave up on me or this story, and to Adriann Ranta, who saw me through the final stretch and into the next chapter of my career.
To Margaret Ferguson, who saw this book’s potential even in its earliest draft; to Susan Dobinick, who helped me shape it into the story I wanted to tell; and to Joy Peskin, who ushered it into the world as painlessly as possible.
To Elizabeth Clark for a beautiful cover, Rachel Fershleiser for her help with its reveal, and to everyone at FSG, especially Nicholas Henderson, Ashley Woodfolk, John Nora, and Brittany Pearlman.
To my fantastic beta readers—Tanaz Bhathena, Preeti Chhibber, Kristin Halbrook, Amanda Hannah, Cory Jackson, Kelly Jensen, Kody Keplinger, Kaye M., Samantha Mabry, Myra McEntire, Phoebe North, Kristin Otts, Kathleen Peacock, Emilia Plater, and Shveta Thakrar—and to the brave souls who read multiple drafts over the years: Sarah Enni, Joshua Hart, Kirsten Hubbard, Stephanie Kuehn, Catherine Ozment, Michelle Schusterman, and Kaitlin Ward.