She smiled, her eyes lighting up. “So what’s holding you back?”
“A lot of things.” I stared at the ice cubes in my glass. “I fucked things up really badly, Georgia.”
“I know.”
Something hitched in my chest. “You’ve talked to her?”
Georgia paused, and I sensed she didn’t want to betray Margot’s confidence. “Yes.”
“I mean it when I say I fucked up. I hurt her.”
“Ask forgiveness.”
She made it sound so easy. “What if she says no?”
“What if she says yes?” Georgia countered.
“She could have so much better. Someone with money and cars and—”
“She wants you. Trust me.”
I looked her in the eye and spoke the truth. “I’m scared.”
“I know you are. And it’s gonna take some hard work, but I bet it’ll be worth it. I know it’ll be worth it, Jack. Even if Margot isn’t the one, you have to do this for you. It’s time.”
Nodding, I let her words sink in. “It’s three years tomorrow.”
“I know,” she said softly, her eyes tearing up. “But Jack, Steph would be the first one to tell you that you’re not honoring her by refusing to move on.” She reached out and touched my arm. “You’ve been using her to punish yourself. It’s time to let her go. I know it hurts, but it’s time.”
My throat closed, and I had to look away from Georgia’s tears before my own started to fall.
The following day, I went to the cemetery. Sitting in front of the stone the way I always did, I imagined Steph beside me and concentrated on the memory of her voice.
“Hey. I need to talk to you.”
What’s up?
My throat tightened. “This is hard.”
Talk to me.
I swallowed hard. “I met someone.”
Good.
“Is it?”
Why wouldn’t it be?
“Because she’s making me doubt myself. She’s making me reconsider things I’d already decided.”
Like what?
“Like getting involved with someone again. Letting myself fall in love again. Spending my life with someone instead of being alone.”
Sounds serious. What’s she like?
“She’s impossible. Spoiled rotten. A know-it-all city girl.”
Laughter bounced off the stones. Someone to put you in your place, huh?
“She loves to try.” I took a breath. “She’s also kind and smart and beautiful. She makes me laugh.”
You have feelings for her?
“I do, but…I don’t know if I want them.”
Why not?
“For one thing, it drives me crazy that she’s nothing like you. I feel guilty—like I’m betraying your memory by falling for someone so opposite everything you were.”
You’re not betraying me, Jack. I want you to move on and be happy.
Tears sprang to my eyes and I touched my eyelids with my thumb and forefinger. “I want to be happy too, I just can’t seem to figure out how to get there and be OK with it.”
Well, first, you need to go back to therapy. It’s time to admit you stopped going because it was helping and you didn’t want to get better.
I blinked. I’d never thought about it that way. In my mind, I’d stopped going because it was too painful to talk about my feelings anymore. Was Steph right? Had I let myself off the hook? Was quitting therapy just another way I’d sabotaged my recovery?
You know I’m right. Next, you need to clean out that cabin. Give my clothes away. Throw out my junk. Take my pictures off the damn wall. Better yet, move out. It’s all just part of the prison you created for yourself, and you know what? It’s imprisoning me, too.
It felt like a punch in the gut. “What?”
You heard me. You have to let me go, Jack.
Gooseflesh rippled down my arms. The back of my neck prickled. “But I—”
No backtalk, you. If you loved me—
“You know I did. More than anyone. You were the love of my life, Steph.”
I was the love of the life you had then, Jack. I was your first love…but I’m not your last.
The breeze rustled through some nearby trees while I let her words sink in and dissolve the final doubts inside me. She was setting me free, and I had to do the same for her. A weight was lifted. “You’re right.”
Of course I am. Now I have one more request: Call that woman and take her out for dinner. Poor thing is probably tied in knots wondering what the hell is going on in that thick skull of yours. You tell her I understand. You drove me crazy, too.
“I’m sorry, Steph. For everything.”
I know you are, Jack. I forgive you. You ready to do this?
I nodded. “I think so. I can’t say I’m not scared, but I think I know what I have to do.”
Good. Go live the life you were meant to. You’ve got a lot of love to give, Jack Valentini. Don’t you forget it.
“OK,” I whispered, a shiver working its way through my body. “And Steph…thank you. You’re an angel.”
I listened for a response, but she was gone. I felt her absence as strongly as I’d felt her presence just moments ago. Somehow I knew she wouldn’t be back.
I kissed my fingertips, touched the top of the stone, and said goodbye.