“No, Margot. She wouldn’t.”
“Maybe not. But she’d think I’d gone crazy.”
“So let her. Don’t spend your life worried about what people think of you, Margot. That kind of fear is like a cage—it will trap you forever if you’re not careful.”
She didn’t speak right away. Then a question. “What are you scared of?”
I didn’t answer, because I knew I’d say too much. She was too soft, too sweet, too warm tonight. It would be too easy to tell her things she didn’t need to hear, too selfish of me to reveal things just to share the burden of my truths. She’d only try to reassure me I wasn’t the monster I thought I was, just like Steph had done.
But it would feel so good.
“Probably nothing, right?” She squeezed me. “You’re a big tough soldier. Not scared of anything.”
I spoke without thinking. “I’m scared of becoming unrecognizable.”
A pause. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” I said quickly. What the fuck was I doing? I even tried to get up, but she held me in place, wrapping her legs around me from behind.
“What would make you unrecognizable, Jack?”
Exhaling, I allowed myself to surrender, just a little. Just this once. “Letting go.”
“Of what?”
“My past.”
“You don’t have to let go of your past—it will always be part of who you are. But you don’t have to let it shackle you, or prevent you from moving on.”
Yes, I do. She didn’t know, didn’t understand.
“Hey.” She squeezed me again. “Talk to me.”
God help me, I wanted to. My secrets were pushing up against the underside of my heart so hard I thought my chest might burst open with them. I wanted to admit my guilt. Open my wounds. Bleed for her.
The temptation overwhelmed me. “The accident. It was my fault.”
“I don’t understand.”
I tried to swallow but couldn’t. “Steph’s accident.”
“What are you talking about? You weren’t driving the car that hit her.”
“No. But…there was a different car.” My voice was weak, and my body started to tremble. “Years ago. In Iraq.”
Margot’s hand began rubbing my chest in slow, soothing arcs. “I’m listening. Tell me.”
My throat was dry and tight, but the story forced its way out. “My convoy was moving through the country and we’d stopped to rest. Three of us set up a checkpoint. Cars were being used as rolling bombs, so we had to stop every vehicle from coming into the zone where soldiers were resting.”
She shivered, as if she knew what was coming. Pressed her lips to my head.
“We had signs in Farsi instructing drivers to stop, and if a vehicle didn’t stop, we fired warning shots at six hundred meters. It was rare that cars tried to go through, unless they carried IED’s. But one night…” I paused. Inside my head was a voice screaming at me to stop talking, but I couldn’t. Every word out of my mouth relieved some kind of pressure inside me. I had to get it all out.
“One night someone didn’t stop?” she prompted. “Was there a bomb in the car?”
I shook my head, swallowing the sob threatening to choke me. “No. But it’s possible the driver thought the warning shots were coming from behind, because the car sped up as soon as they were fired. So I fired directly at the vehicle. I didn’t even think twice.”
“Of course you didn’t.” Her voice was strong. “Jack, no one would ever blame you. You did your job. You protected people.”
“I didn’t even see who was in the car until morning and it was time to move from that position.” My eyes filled.
She went completely still. “And?”
“The driver was a woman. And there were children with her.”
“Oh, my God.”
“Three of them.” My voice cracked, and tears dripped from my closed eyes.
“Oh, Jack.” Margot’s voice was splintering too. She held me tight. “That must have been horrible for you.”
I inhaled, regaining control. “You know what? It wasn’t. It barely registered. At the time, I remember feeling proud for doing what I had to.” The words were bitter in my mouth. “Later, after I got home, it hit me what I’d done. I was a wreck. I couldn’t talk to anyone, didn’t feel safe, couldn’t make myself feel normal. Every single minute I was just waiting for the retribution, you know? I was positive there was no way what I’d done could go unpunished. I wanted the retribution. I nearly brought it on myself.”
She hugged me even tighter, and I felt the trembling in her body as she wept. Kissed my shoulders, my head, my neck. Ran her hands over my chest and stomach, as if she had to reassure herself I was still here. “I’m so sorry. And I’m so glad you’re here. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
I didn’t deserve her sympathy or her tears.