Now, though, I was forced to feel that old familiar fear and helplessness again. In my marriage, I had been at Virgil’s mercy. Now I was at the mercy of the island and the men with whom I was forced to share it. I hated feeling like I didn't know what was happening or what I was supposed to do next, but what I hated even more was that both of these men seemed to have assumed that I was helpless. Suddenly, I felt like the sense of freedom and power I had gotten when I finalized the divorce was all an illusion. I thought that I was getting away from the looks of pity and the disdain that I had been so accustomed to getting, and the ever-present feeling of oppression that came from being told daily that I wasn’t capable of doing anything. At least when I had been married to Virgil I had usually been able to anticipate the challenges and even how he was going to react to me. Most of the time I knew what was going to infuriate him, how he was going to be able to twist and manipulate the situation into somehow being my fault, and then whether I should expect him to be angry, aggressive, or even violent. While this didn't make it any more pleasant to contend with him, at least it made it a little easier for me to tap into my coping mechanisms to deal with whatever came my way. I had melted into the world around me, becoming the wallpaper in Virgil's life. Unobtrusive, elegant, and the perfect way to tie in the details of the rest of the room. That was what he expected me to be. He expected me to be quiet and appealing, seamlessly fitting in with whatever situation I was in and enhancing his position in the world without regard to my own thoughts or needs. In his mind, I had neither.
I had been prepared then. I hated every moment of it, but at least I knew those fears. Those were evils I was familiar with and I could combat in my own mind. Now I was in a world filled with fears and challenges that I couldn’t escape just by going inside myself and pretending that I was somewhere else or that it was all just a game, a test of how much I had learned about him and how much better I could do next time. This island was a new nightmare and I didn’t know what was around the next corner. The evidence that I had against Virgil hadn’t intimidated him for long and now I was forced to run from men hell-bent on ensuring that I never breathed a word of what I knew to any of the laundry list of people, both legitimate and not, who wanted to get their hands on Virgil. I was on an unsettled island with no means of communication or escape. We had only the food we could scavenge and the shelter we were yet to build, both of which were things that Hunter and Gavin apparently felt I was wholly unable to handle.
I was starting to feel that same cold wash of abandonment and loneliness that had settled into me over the months of my early marriage and on into the first years when part of me was still hoping that things would change, when I had watched the life I had known and the one I had always planned for myself slip away. Maybe I should have just ignored everything that I knew about Virgil; maybe I should have just done as he asked and burned the documents that I eventually used to release myself from his clutches. It was something that I had gone over many times in my mind. I had clung to those pieces of evidence as the magic key that got me out of my marriage, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I wasn’t protecting myself with these documents and transcripts. Instead, I was putting myself into even more danger by holding onto them. I wanted to believe deep inside that holding onto them was out of spite. I wanted to know that I had that dirt on him and that somehow there was power in it, but if that was really the case, I would have handed them over to the authorities, or even to his rivals who would have been just as interested in them as the government.
Burning them would have taken that potential power away from me, but it also would have assuaged Virgil and bought me the actual freedom from him that I had thought about and dreamed of during those long, dark nights alone in the cavernous house. I should have just given up the thought that I would ever be able to use the information that I had on him to earn myself some sort of justice for everything that he had put me through. At least then I could have put it behind me, moving forward with a life that wouldn’t be riddled with constant threat lurking around every corner.
Chapter Nine
Hunter
We had found absolutely no evidence of other people on the island the first time that we had gone searching, or during any of the times that we had gone scavenging for food, so I didn't know why I thought that it would be any different when I ventured out on my own. Somehow in my mind, however, I had convinced myself that it would be different this time, as if heading out by myself would somehow magically make crates of food and clothing appear in the trees or people show up so that they could help us. As I pushed my way through the thick jungle, I just knew that any moment I was going to find an elusive resort tucked up close to the beach on the other side, or at least a small hut where an eccentric rich old man lived. The further I walked and the more of the same trees, rocks, and sky I saw, however, the less I really believed it and the more I knew that I was just repeating it in my mind so that I wouldn’t lose hope. That wasn’t going terribly well for me and I could feel the nervousness and panic starting to settle into my belly.
I wasn’t cut out for this. I wasn’t made for outdoor life, especially outdoor life that didn’t involve a comfort station and a group of people who actually knew what they were doing. I might have been able to carry armloads of fruit out of the jungle and had helped Gavin create the help sign out of shells and rocks, but I didn’t think that that really qualified me as a wilderness man. The truth was that I had never even been to an island before. I had never even been on a cruise until I climbed aboard the post-wedding celebration cruise that had brought me here. The lack of knowledge of the landscape, plants, and animals made me feel like I was at a distinct disadvantage. I was accustomed to at least having research to back me up in unfamiliar situations. I might not fully have the grasp of what was happening or what I was supposed to be doing, but I would have facts and figures in my mind that could at least give me a sense of stability and control.
It was that attention to detail and mastery of research and calculations that had landed me the job with Mr. Royal at the agency. Even though he had advertised for an assistant, the somewhat rambling description of the job position had revealed that he needed something much more than just a person who could take notes and run memos for him. That was more the domain of Cindy, his secretary. Instead, the brilliant but somewhat scattered older man was looking for someone who would be able to understand what he was saying even if he didn’t say all of the words that he needed to, decipher his thoughts and actions, and overall act as a sieve for what went from him out of his office and through to the rest of the agency. I looked over figures before they went to the accountant. I read through memos before I had them distributed. I screened mail that came in as well as went out. Most of the people throughout the agency didn’t have any idea of the scope of everything that I handled for Mr. Royal, and I was perfectly fine with that. All that mattered was that the things got done and the agency ran smoothly.