As if hearing his name on my lips broke any control that he had, Noah pushed forward to kiss me again, wrapping an arm around my waist to pull me into his lap. I gasped at the swell of his erection beneath me and he held me down harder, lifting his hips slightly to rock against me as his mouth played across mine. My need for him felt intense and primal, and I reached down to gather the hem of his shirt in my hands and pull the fabric off over his head.
I leaned down and drew my tongue across his skin, gathering the taste of him. My teeth nipped at his chest and I felt his hands pulling at my shirt. Even with the questions and hesitations that we’d had still hovering in the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't have resisted him. I needed Noah in that moment in a way I felt like I had never needed anything, and I eagerly gave myself over to him as he reached behind me to open my bra and release my breasts into his waiting hands. His thumb rubbed across one nipple as he brought his mouth down to the other, continuing to nudge upwards with his hip as he sucked the taut peak between his teeth.
He repositioned me so that I was sitting in front of him. My body shook as he removed my remaining clothing and then brought me up to my knees before he tenderly ran his hands down me, following every curve as if trying to memorize me beneath his palms. He followed his hands with his mouth, trailing kisses along me with such control and purpose it was as though he had been imagining this very moment, planning everything that he was going to do if he got me in his hands again. By the time his mouth reached my hipbones, I was trembling nearly uncontrollably. He moved it down to draw his tongue slowly and deeply through my core. It created concentrated, intense pleasure, but it was also a message, a reminder of the first time that he had touched me that way, the impulse that had brought him to his knees in front of me to nurture me as I cautiously, nervously began to learn my own body.
He rose up onto his knees and guided my hands to the front of his pants. I released the row of buttons down his fly and peeled away his pants, revealing that he wore nothing beneath them, and eased them as far down as I could. I wrapped my hand around his surging erection as he finished taking his pants the rest of the way off, and I indulged myself in the feeling of running my fingers along its hard, beautiful length. Noah groaned at my touch and my body clenched as if already seeking him. I stroked his luscious cock for a few moments, offering him back the pleasure he had given me. When I couldn't handle the empty ache any longer, I looked into his eyes, evaluating him, wanting to see that he needed me in the same way.
Noah didn’t respond, but grabbed me by my hips and pulled me forward so that my pelvis came up on his thighs and my legs draped around his hips. The movement settled the tip of his erection at my core and he took a moment to stroke me, sending a shock through me. He suddenly paused and eased me off of his lap and stood. I was briefly worried, but then I saw that he was walking toward a cabinet hanging on the wall. He opened it and pulled out a condom, slipping it on without ceremony. He returned to the cushion with me and brought me back into his lap, catching my mouth to rebuild the heat that had been lost.
We kissed hungrily, almost frantically, then he was inside me and I gasped at the intense, full feeling of him plunging so deep I felt him hit the furthest point. He held my hips tightly as he began to thrust into me in a fast, hard rhythm that told me he didn't want to hold anything back.
I gripped his arms to give myself greater stability and planted my feet on either side of him so that I could lift my hips higher. It was an open, vulnerable position that I never would have even considered before coming here, but it felt natural and real now. Noah growled in his throat and rose up slightly more on his knees. The leverage allowed him to pick up even more speed, and within seconds I could feel myself losing control. I dug my fingernails into his arms and let my head fall back, screaming as my body contracted around him and held him tightly within me before crashing into fast, intense spasms that milked him until he let out a deep grunt and released into me. I threw myself forward so that I was wrapped around Noah and focused on the feeling of his cock pulsing against my walls. I closed my eyes to savor the feeling of my body massaging him, accepting the hot steams he poured into me.
When it was over, we lay tangled on the cushion, our bodies wrapped around each other and our hands lazily stroking each other’s sweaty skin. I kissed his hair and his forehead, holding him against me as tightly as I could. Even in those first moments, clarity was coming into my mind. I knew that this couldn’t last. This shouldn’t have happened. I closed my eyes and held him closer, needing just a few more seconds before I let reality completely set in.
Noah lifted his head and kissed me, then stared down into my face. He stroked his fingertips along my cheek and jawline, and then traced my lips. I kissed them softly.
“You came back,” he whispered.
“Hmmm?”
“You came back. You didn’t sleep with him.”
I felt like a rock had fallen into my stomach.
“No, I didn’t, but Noah…”
“I knew that if you thought about it…”
“Noah, nothing’s changed.”
He stared at me, blinking as if he thought that he hadn’t heard me correctly.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re right. I didn’t sleep with Damien, but that was my choice. He doesn’t know it, but he has involvements in my life outside of all this. In my real life. I couldn’t go through with it and put that at risk later.”
Noah climbed to his feet and pulled his pants on, whipping around to face me.
“That’s it?” he demanded. “That’s why? Because he might at some point interact with you after this, that’s the only reason why you didn’t sleep with him?”
I wriggled into my pants and dropped my shirt down over my head, not bothering to put my bra back on.
“What do you want me to say, Noah?”
“I want you to say that you’ll stop this. I want you to say that you’ll leave and won’t go on anymore dates.”
I waited for more. I waited for him to say the words that I needed him to say, the only words that would convince me to end my retreat, but he didn’t. He just kept staring at me, the demands in his eyes telling me that he didn’t understand, and I felt the softness that had come over my heart harden.
“I’m going to see this through,” I said, making sure that each word was fully enunciated so that my message was clear.
Noah looked at me for a long, steely moment. Without another word, he stormed out of the cottage, leaving me alone, overwhelmed with the conflicting, battling emotions that filled me.
Chapter Twenty-One
Snow
Any questions that I had about my continued investment in the retreat were gone by the time that I returned home. The unexpected encounter with Noah had worked to confirm that this was what I was supposed to be doing. I was finally doing something for myself and following through with what I had intended from the beginning rather than allowing the will of someone else to control me. I had looked into Noah’s eyes, hoping to see there what I now knew was the only thing that could supersede the valuable personal and sexual discoveries that I was making with each new date. This wasn’t just about the sex, though I definitely felt like I understood Robin’s fascination now. Continuing the retreat was about me connecting to and honoring myself, accepting that my own needs mattered, and that I deserved to focus on not just knowing myself, but knowing how to look beyond everything else to live the life that I deserved. In those last intense moments in the cottage I hadn’t seen in Noah what I needed to, so I made the decision that I needed to and was more determined now than ever to see this through.
Friday morning had come again and I got into the shower to ready myself for my journey back to the retreat. My date box sat in the living room, waiting to be brought along with my luggage. The card had been the same cryptic, vague message that I had become accustomed to over the last several weeks.