I didn’t know exactly what I was supposed to do that day. Fawn had said that we would meet to discuss my retreat, but she hadn’t told me when or where. I figured that I could probably have stayed in my room and she would have come for me when she wanted to talk, but I didn’t want to just sit around. I had time and I wanted to use it.
I looked around as I walked through the cottage, trying to find indications of other guests that might also be staying at the retreat. I didn’t notice any, however, and soon found myself lured outside to explore the lush surroundings again. The air was chillier than the day before and I wrapped my arms tightly around myself to ward off the cold. Layers of crisp, spicy, and earthy smells surrounded me with the essence of fall and I suddenly felt the urge to do all of those fall nesting activities that you see in magazines or TV movies. I wanted to wrap up in a wool blanket with a mug of hot cider and watch leaves fall. I wanted to pick a pumpkin and put it on the porch. I wanted to start thinking about Thanksgiving even though it was still months away. The impact of the woods was strange, but I welcomed it, telling myself that getting out of my routine and doing something new was exactly what I had intended when I made plans to come here. This felt like just the beginning and I needed to be open to whatever it was going to bring me.
The driveway in front of the cottage that the limo had brought me up the day before was still empty and I stepped off of it onto a narrow walkway that appeared to be made of large flat river rocks. The walkway led me around the side of the cottage and to the back into the woods that I had seen from the windows in my room. The leaves in the trees had started to change colors and the variety of hues throughout the woods gave them more depth so that they seemed to go on forever into the distance. Tucked close to the house was a small garden containing the last lingering vestiges of the late summer harvest and a coiling pumpkin vine with ripening fruits nestled among the deep green leaves.
“It’s amazing, isn’t it?”
The same voice that had startled me in the front room the day before showed up behind me again and I whipped around to see Fawn. It seemed that she only knew how to approach me by sneaking up behind me.
“What’s amazing?” I asked.
“That something so beautiful can just grow out of nothing. I didn’t even plant those pumpkins. I just tossed one of my pumpkins from last year out into the garden to nourish the soil for the vegetable garden this season, then early this summer I noticed that there were sprouts and now look. I’ll have enough pumpkins to decorate and cook with later this fall.”
I nodded at her.
“That is amazing,” I said. I looked at the pumpkins for a few more seconds before turning back to Fawn. “I noticed that there aren’t any other rooms in the cottage,” I said. “Where do the other guests sleep?”
“No other guests,” she said.
“None?” I asked.
Fawn shook her head.
“No. We only welcome one guest at a time. Like I told you, this is all about you. No one else. Everything is intended to allow you to focus on your own experience and making the most of it. Speaking of which, are you ready to plan?”
I nodded, unsure of what to think about being the only guest at the retreat. How did Robin get the brochure for this place? I hadn’t even bothered to ask him. And how did I manage to get in so fast? It felt like there was something else in play, but I didn’t know what it could possibly be. Fawn started back up the path toward the front door of the house and I followed her. When we got inside, she led me into what looked like a parlor off of the main front room. A table had been set up between two overstuffed chairs and it held a tray with a steaming teapot, two tea cups, and a plate of cookies. Fawn settled into one of the chairs and reached for the teapot. I watched as she poured the tea into both cups, breathing in the warm smell of apple and cinnamon that filled the steam that rose up from them. When she sat the pot back on the table, I picked up the cup closest to me and took a sip. The tea had all of the flavors that I had been thinking about when walking outside and I felt myself relax even further.
“Have you given any thought to the type of men you would like?”
Until then.
I nearly spit out my tea. I struggled to swallow it and sat the cup back on the table, hearing it shudder slightly as my hand shook.
“Excuse me?” I asked.
Fawn didn’t look at all thrown off by my reaction. She took another casual sip of her tea and reached for one of the delicate cookies on the plate.
“The men,” she said. “Did you have time to think about the type of men who you would like to encounter during your retreat?”
“I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head as I tried to process what she meant. “I don’t think that I’m following you. I thought that this retreat was meant as a place to relax.”
“It is,” Fawn said. “But I told you that its main purpose is to help you find what you have been looking for. Look into yourself, Snow. What have you been missing in life? What do you want to find?”
I drew in a breath.
“I don’t understand what men have to do with that.”
Fawn laughed slightly.
“I think you do,” she said. “There’s nothing wrong with it, Snow. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting to break out of what has always been expected of you and find what is really inside of you. Have you ever thought about your fantasies? Like really thought about them?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do, Snow. You don’t have to pretend with me. I’m here to help you find what you enjoy and what that means for you both when you are with men and in your life outside of those relationships. Whether you are with the man for one night or the rest of your life, what really matters is that you know yourself and stay true to that. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to help you find yourself.”
“How?”
“You tell me what you like. Tell me your fantasies. I’ll find men that fit those fantasies and you will get to experience them. They will come to you and bring you on the date of your dreams. What you do on that date is up to you, but I suggest you live it to the fullest. When you’re finished with your experience, you will know far more about yourself and what you want out of your life.”
“These men,” I said, trying to understand the details. “Who are they?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Fawn said.
“Yes, it does.”
“Does it? I told you. This is about you. All about you. The men are just instruments. They’re there to show you what’s possible. What you do with it from there is up to you. You won’t know the men’s real names. They all have aliases. You won’t talk about your real life and they won’t tell you about themselves unless it has something to do with the date.”
“I don’t really know how to feel about all this. I thought that I was just going to come here and spend a few days relaxing. Maybe meditating a little. Just getting away from everything.”
“What are you trying to get away from?”
I thought about Lucille and everything that had happened, then what she and Robin had said to me. Each of them had their own perception of me, but in the end, it was the same. I had let my life pass me by thinking about everyone else and doing what I thought would make them happy. It had been so engrained in me, so much of a routine, that I didn’t even think about it. Once it occurred to me, however, I realized that I was really sick of it and didn’t want to let it happen anymore.
“You asked me about my fantasies,” I said, skirting the question.
“Yes,” Fawn said. “Tell me about them. Don’t be shy. The more that you tell me, the better I’m going to be at finding the men who are going to make this the best experience for you.”
“That’s the thing,” I said. “I don’t really know.”
“Oh?” Fawn said, setting her cup down as if she wanted to give me her full attention. “You’ve never thought about your fantasies?”
“No,” I admitted, deciding that this was the time to be as honest as possible. “I’ve only slept with one person in my life, and our sex life was always…less than satisfying.”