He paused. “You could’ve gone anywhere. Why did you decide to stay in Pennsylvania? Why did you stay in town?”
She’d had enough of his dodging. “Why did you leave?”
He froze.
She set her teeth and waited him out. It wasn’t fair for him to know what she’d been up to without him sharing the same.
“There were reasons,” he said finally. “Multiple.”
This was going to be like peeling back the layers of an onion. Fine. She could go one layer at a time as long as he didn’t shut her down.
He sighed. “The simple answer is because I needed change.”
She tipped her head to the side, watching the way he held himself still, completely controlled from his center of gravity out to his fingertips. “We were going to travel for a change in scenery.”
He shook his head in a sharp, tight motion. “The kind of environment I was looking for wasn’t any place I’d ever want you to see. I wanted a crucible.”
Ah. She blew out her breath slowly and let go of the tension in her shoulders. His reason was something she could accept. Maybe try to understand a little at a time. This was so much better than just wanting to leave everything behind, including her.
She’d been selfish over these years, obsessing over what she might have done to make him go. It wasn’t about her. “I was wrecked when you left. I won’t lie. But I’m glad you went where you needed to go.”
His jaw was still clenched, the way it was when he still had too much bottled up inside.
“I’ll listen, if you want to tell me about where you were.” She wasn’t sure how else to invite him to talk to her without pushing. It shouldn’t be about her wanting to know. Not for this.
“The places didn’t matter.” His gaze finally came back to her, and the impact of his hazel eyes stole her breath. “I thought about you every night.”
“I thought about you, too,” she whispered.
He smiled. “I plan to be the only thing you think about tonight.”
She opened her mouth and inhaled, intending to respond, but ended up choking on crumpet crumbs. He reached across the table and held up her teacup. She took it from him and sipped carefully, glad it had cooled enough to drink without burning her tongue.
He chuckled. “So why did you choose that apartment complex?”
She prepared more tea for herself to give herself a chance to change gears, or calm down, whichever. She was off-balance, but she planned to follow the conversation where he led it this afternoon. Otherwise, he’d know he could distract her with sex whenever she asked a tough question.
“I dunno. I guess I didn’t really think about it. It just made sense.” She thought back to when she’d decided to move into her apartment. “I mean, living at home through undergrad let me save money. My parents would’ve freaked out if I moved far away for my first apartment. It took weeks to get them used to the idea of me living where I do now.”
There’d been daily shouting matches over her decision to move out. Her mother would dissolve into tears and ask what she’d done wrong raising Sophie if Sophie wanted to leave so badly. And that was just to an apartment in the same town.
“It was very practical to stay close to home for the first few years, especially since I landed the job in Philly.” She huffed out a laugh. It was a job she didn’t have anymore. “My parents were so proud of the solid start to my respectable career, they eased up on their stance against my moving out and actually listened to me.”
It’d been the first time she’d felt like an adult. She had no idea what her parents would say when they got back.
“I’d like to have a new job before they get back.” She spoke about the near future quietly, because she wasn’t in a position to plan for it. Someone wanted her dead, and she couldn’t forget that for long, even when she tried. “I’m just not sure I actually want the same kind of job.”
He shrugged noncommittally. Thankfully, there was no judgment in his expression. “Everyone can change careers once in a while. I did, for sure.”
She picked out a custard tart covered in an apricot half. “You mean from the military to training dogs at your kennels?”
He nodded slowly. “That’s the major example, yeah, but I progressed through a couple of different positions on active duty. It works differently in the military than it probably does in corporate America, but the opportunity to change course is available.”
He’d never talked to her about his time on active duty from this perspective. There’d been a couple of quiet mornings when he’d first returned when he’d warned her he’d been through some awful experiences. Even those, he hadn’t shared in much detail. But he hadn’t talked about life in the military, the day-to-day.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is you could change course if you wanted to.” He picked up a crumpet, took an experimental bite, then put it down on his plate.
She smiled. “Maybe we should try topping that with eggs and ham for you.”