Like hell.
She stepped away from him without entering either of the rooms. Turning to face him, she folded her arms across her chest and prepared to break open the topic. If she didn’t, she was going to let it slide for the rest of the trip, and if she let this go now, she’d regret it.
“Did you kiss me the other night?”
Brandon’s expression immediately went blank, but he didn’t look away. “Yes.”
“Did you intend to?” This was an opportunity for an out if he wanted to take it. She’d be irritated and hurt, but it was a salvageable moment.
“Yes.” There was an intensity in his voice, one that was new to her.
She kept her own tone calm even though the answer to her next question was one she was afraid to hear out loud. “Do you regret it?”
“No.”
Relief flooded through her, but her belly was still wound up tight. There were still more questions, more things to straighten out, and some of them had waited since the day of high school graduation to be answered. She’d planned to see him in the evening after the ceremonies, waited for him to come to her house. And when he hadn’t shown up, she’d gone looking for him, starting with their favorite meeting place along the route to their bus stop. Finally, she’d gone directly to his house, only to discover that he’d already left for basic. He’d had to have known in advance and he hadn’t told her he was leaving. He hadn’t said good-bye.
But she’d start simple and get to those when she was ready to reopen those old hurts. “So why? Why are we sleeping in separate rooms?”
Brandon dragged his hand through his hair, a sure sign he was frustrated and unsure. “Because you’ve been through a lot this week. And I want you to rest, heal, recover. All those things are going to happen faster if you have your own space. You should take the time.”
Oh no. There were a lot of things she should do, ought to do, like call her family. But she hadn’t for the first time in her memory. She’d placed her trust in Brandon. And now she was so frustrated she could hardly breathe.
She choked out a laugh. “You’re so damned good at giving all the orders. Telling other people what to do. I’ve done exactly what you thought was best, and now I’m standing right here. Well, here’s some instructions for you. Step up or get out of the way.”
He frowned at her. “What do you mean?”
Here she was, in a romantic cabin tucked into the woods with him and he’d just told her to choose her own room. What the hell?
“You’ve been trying so hard to keep us in stasis. Friends. And you care about your friends, protect them. That’s just great, Brandon. But you’re a colossal cock block, too. Either step up and address this thing between us. Say it out loud. Acknowledge how much I’ve loved you since we were in freaking high school!” She sucked in a deep breath and gave him a hard stare. “Or get out of the way and let me figure out if I can possibly deal with the idea of finding happy with another man.”
Somehow, the words had been different inside her head, but what came out felt more true to her heart. She’d spent a lot of years not even considering other men because he was the focus of her heart and mind. He’d been everything to her.
“Is that what you want? Me to get out of your life?” His brows drew together, and his face had flushed. His hands balled into fists.
He wouldn’t hit her. He’d do damage to himself before ever coming close to hurting her. But he trusted her enough to let her see his temper rising. Trusted her to be around him.
And there was still a damned wall of friendship between them. If he wasn’t attracted to her in that way, she could’ve understood. But his kiss hadn’t been chaste and hadn’t been uninterested. There’d been hunger to match hers, and she needed him to acknowledge it or tell her she was wrong. She needed it to be spoken, even if it wasn’t what she wanted to hear.
She shook her head, angry tears beginning to burn her eyes. “No, I don’t want you out of my life. Not ever! But this pretending to just be friends is killing me. It’s dooming us both to a lifetime of the friend zone, and I sure as hell don’t want to live the rest of my life celibate—not with you around, doing insane things to my libido just by standing there. And I can’t even stand the idea of you touching another woman…”
He grabbed her then, crushed her to him. “Never again. I won’t ever again. Can’t.”
She turned her face up to him and a tear fell from the corner of her eye. She struggled to keep her brain working, and she leveled a sharp, pointed look at him. “Then why the hell are we being celibate? Because I, for one, am not into this kind of torture. Go find a waterfall to train under instead.”
*