“Mel, I think you’re under some emotional stress that’s adding to everything else. Has something happened? You look like a deer caught in headlights.”
I feel that way a lot of the time but I’m usually much better about not showing it—
“If something hurts, telling me won’t make it worse or make it more real. It’s already real. Telling me what you’re thinking can only make it better. And you can tell me anything here. I promise, nothing bad will ever happen because of what you say in this room. Only good things.”
I find that really hard to believe—
“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
I don’t want to … but maybe I should … because I don’t understand …
And I need to now because my superpower is failing … I can’t stop the memories from playing in my mind again and again … when I could block it all out I didn’t need to understand but now I do because I can’t make it stop …
I don’t want to say the words … but now I have to …
Except I can’t … I’m crying too hard … and my hands are blocking my mouth … trying to keep myself together … because my face hurts so much it feels like it’s cracking apart and falling into pieces …
*
I can’t look at Dr. Oswald while I talk—it’s hard enough to let myself hear what I’m saying—but I can’t figure this out and how else can I explain it to Zumi if I don’t even understand it? I’m thankful the pills I took a half hour ago slowed my Hamster down to subsonic speeds so I can think and speak more clearly, but it’s not enough.
“So you became intimate with Annie?”
“We kissed a lot, and … touched each other.”
“Did it feel good? Did it feel normal?”
“I … I don’t know how to explain it. It’s all too complicated. Everything’s tangled up with everything else.”
“Did you tell anyone?”
“No!”
“Not even your doctor?”
“Argh! I didn’t have a doctor!” I cover my face with both hands.
“This happened before your diagnosis?”
“Yes, right before!” I take a few breaths. “We moved here the summer before freshman year and I was really depressed …”
“Right after your parents divorced, which was after your brother—”
“It’s got nothing to do with that! I was just in a new town and school. Then in the first week of high school I met Annie, Zumi, and Connor. This stuff I’m talking about now was a year later, when we were sophomores.”
“Okay.”
“I was starting to feel better and my family was glad I was getting my energy back. We all started having more fun with me up and running again. Zumi loved it and we became even better friends. Annie didn’t like it so much.”
“She was jealous of you and Zumi getting closer? But you said Annie didn’t love Zumi back.”
“It was all about Annie keeping Zumi on a leash or tied up in the front yard but never allowed in the house. But she didn’t want Zumi or any of us to leave her. I think Annie got worried that Zumi and Connor might start following me instead of her.”
“How did all this turn into you and Annie starting to—”
“That’s what I’m asking you! I didn’t even like Annie by then! But Zumi goes to her grandmother’s for Thanksgiving and suddenly Annie’s all over me, and I’m on her, and I turn into this whole different person—for a whole week! Then it’s like I woke up and became myself again, and I have no clue who had been at the controls. I ended it and we got in this huge fight over what an awful manipulative asshole she was. The next day I’m in the psych ward.”
“You were having your onset and this stressor made it bloom into a manic episode.”
“And it made me a lesbian for a week and then switched it back off again.”
“So you believe you’re heterosexual?”
“I don’t have to believe it. I just know.”
“I’m sorry, that was poor phrasing. I mean, if you don’t feel attracted to girls, was this an experiment? Why were you—”
“I don’t know! I’m telling you all this because I need you to tell me what it was! I’ve never looked at a girl except that one time. If I was attracted to girls I’d want Zumi—she was my best friend and I love her and she’s beautiful, but I’ve never wanted to kiss her, not like Annie and I were kissing. Not like I want to kiss David.”
“Who’s David?”
“He’s … this guy … I was on a … I mean, we haven’t … That’s a whole different thing. The point is, I want to kiss him and not Zumi or any other girl. But the bipolar made me a lesbian for a while and that’s scary.”
“Bisexual. Your encounter didn’t switch off your interest in guys. And bipolar disorder causes hypersexuality, especially during manic episodes, and it affects thoughts and emotions in many challenging ways, but it only magnifies your feelings. It doesn’t change your preferences.”
“So I’m bisexual and afraid to admit it?”
“Not afraid, necessarily. Possibly not aware.”