“As much as I need, anyway,” I replied, relieved as we retraced our steps back to the mouth of the tunnel.
“Can only take so much propagandist bullshit.”
In minutes we were back out in the sunlight.
“Looks pretty real to me,” I said, looking back at the tunnel. “How’s it propaganda?”
“Do you think North Korea really made those tunnels?”
“Why would they lie?” I asked.
“Serves their story, don’t you think?”
“North Koreans are the bad guys?”
“Think about it,” he said.
“It has to change in our parents’ lifetime,” I said. “My father was separated from his whole family. He was only fifteen years old. He wants to see them again before he dies. I can’t imagine never seeing my parents again.”
“I’m sorry for him. My parents’ families came down together.” Jaesung kicked at the ground.
“Lucky.”
“But they have their own issues. I wonder sometimes if it serves other countries for Korea to be like this, separated.”
“You mean the United States and the Soviet Union.”
“Someone’s benefitting from it. Lloyd says there’s evidence. When we get back to Seoul, we’re going to talk to some people. Tongsu Cho is going to work for a restaurant there. He said to look him up. He’s going to introduce us to some people behind the scenes.”
“The cook Lloyd talked about?”
“We’ll see what’s really going on.”
37
BUT IF YOONA TELLS THE TRUTH, I’D HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT. YOU READY TO TELL THE TRUTH NOW?
“The fuck,” Faye shouts at me. “Tell him what he needs to hear.” Lloyd smirks at her, walks over to me, and sits. I look down at my taped wrists, which are pinched red from the strain.
“He’s crazy. Nothing she says will change his mind,” Heather mumbles.
SHE KNOWS WHAT I MEAN. Lloyd nudges me with his shoulder as if we could be any two friends teasing each other. GO ON. TELL THEM.
I force myself to speak with as much truth as possible. “I’m saying I was wrong. You’re right. You never gave up on Jaesung, but I did. He told me you were his best friend. I see why now. I see you’ve been fighting by yourself all this time. Even in Korea, it was you and Jaesung who fought together on the same side.”
38
Lloyd kept his promise to me in Korea about Tongsu Cho. He found me in my cabin, folding my mosquito net. I’d missed lunch and dinner, having been curled over since we’d returned from our morning tour of another Silla palace. My stomach had been cramping, so I’d been running to the bathroom over and over again, having eaten something that made me queasy, probably too much of the hamburger and fries they’d given us for breakfast. (We had American food for breakfast and Korean food for lunch and dinner. The cafeteria staff didn’t distinguish between types of American food, since Korean food was not categorized by meal time.) When I asked about you, Lloyd hesitated.
“Is he sick too?” I said, picturing you as miserable as I’d been, crumpled over on your yo.
“Different kind of sickness.” He had his hand on the ladder to my bunk.
“How bad?” There was a small fan on the wall nearby, and I thought I’d heard him wrong.
“Forget it. You should be hydrated. Tongsu Cho can make you juk. Can you walk to the kitchen, or should I bring it back for you?” He peered up at me.
“No, no, I can manage,” I called down. “What about Jaesung?”
Lloyd backed up as I climbed down the ladder. He didn’t answer me. The sunlight was bright outside even though it was nearly seven thirty in the evening.
“What was for dinner?” I said and then stopped him. “Wait, don’t tell me. The thought of it will make me throw up.”
“You look a little greenish,” Lloyd replied, concern on his face.
I touched my cheek with my hand. I’d brushed my teeth an hour earlier, after I’d thrown up. Maybe I wasn’t ready to eat anything yet. But where were you? I hoped you’d sent him to check on me. I had been feeling sorry for myself and missing you, hearing the girls in the cabin fuss about what they were up to. No one had offered to help me. Instead they treated me as if I had a contagion.
“You’ll see him soon,” Lloyd said, and I was grateful. We’d been together at some point every day for nearly two weeks by then. An entire afternoon and into the evening seemed like eons.
“He went to town again, didn’t he?” I said as a fear rose in me. “On the bus, is that where he went? Would he try to talk to those men in the mandu shop?”
“Nah, he’s here,” Lloyd said. “You sure you’re able to make it to the kitchen?” He warned me about the step before the doorway as I stumbled toward it.
“I haven’t ever been this sick,” I told him. “Please tell him not to worry.”
Lloyd let out a breath, looked down at his sneakers. “Okay, he’s with a girl. She’s in the cabin next to yours, but it’s not what you think, at least not yet.”
“What do you mean by that?” I stopped short.
“Her cousin told her he’s going to join the martyrs, so it’s really about that. Jaesung says he wants to support them, but I don’t know. He’s still obsessed with the idea of jumping.” He slid the door open to the Great Hall and waited for me to enter first.
“But he said in Seoul we’ll go to meetings and—” I didn’t finish.
There you stood, a few feet away from me. You were engrossed in a conversation with a girl with a hand on her hip. You were nodding and talking, and your hand was out as if you’d catch her if she fainted. You looked earnest, determined, and she was grimacing and talking just as hurriedly to you. You were standing close to her, too close, and then I saw your hand take hold of her arm. She laughed at something you said.
“But it is,” you said. “Don’t you see, that’s the only way anything will change.”
She shrugged. “They’re going to send him to the States to get away from his friends,” she said. You let go of her arm. “Can’t blame them. He’s their son.” You seemed disappointed.
“Yoona needs juk,” Lloyd said while I hung back. You looked up at his words, and I saw your eyes brighten when they found mine. “Hey, you’re feeling better,” you said and rubbed my arm. There was an awkward silence as I searched for a reply.
Finally, the girl held out her hand. “I’m Aecha.”
I shook it as Lloyd said, “This is Yoona.”
She smiled, putting her hand back on her hip. “You’re friends with Cindy Im. From Boston?”
“That’s Yoona Sung. This is Yoona Lee,” you said while I still couldn’t seem to find my voice.
“Ah.” She nodded. “Got it.” More silence followed. Then she said to you, “Talk to you later?”
“Definitely,” you agreed. I wasn’t sure I liked the sound of your certainty even though we were all stuck on this tour together.