After Janet and Rosa were finally in bed, the four women sat in the living room, eating more birthday cake. At least Winifred’s presence gave Laura an excuse to open a bottle of wine. It was not long before Ellen moved into the open. Clearly, she had been emboldened by the agreement of Winifred and Mother that it was time for Laura to move on.
‘I’ve found out, Laura, that if you come back to the States you could get a divorce from Edward quite easily – don’t, don’t, please listen,’ Ellen said, irritated that as soon as she started talking, Laura stood up.
‘I am listening,’ Laura said, although she had such a headache that it was hard to concentrate on her words. ‘I’m just getting another drink.’
‘It doesn’t mean that you couldn’t be with him again if he comes back, but at least it will regularise your position. It’s impossible like this. If you come to Boston, I could help with Rosa, and she’d have her cousins to grow up with.’
Laura tried to sound reasonable. ‘It’s kind of you, but I can’t decide just like that. The Foreign Office agreed to Geneva, but it took some persuading. They would never let me go to the States. And I can’t bear the thought – you can’t imagine what the press was like in England. They’d all be out again in full force in America. He was secretary of the Combined Policy Committee, you know. It meant he knew everything about the bomb. I’d never hear the end of it there.’
‘Nonsense, Laura. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be bad for a bit – but you faced it down in England—’
‘I didn’t. I ran away. It was impossible.’
‘It was impossible,’ their mother agreed.
‘Mother,’ cried Ellen. ‘I thought you were on my side!’
‘I am,’ their mother said. ‘But, Ellen, you’ve no idea. We couldn’t leave the house.’
‘That was two years ago, it’s not a new story any more. Come on, Laura, you can’t stay here forever. It’s not fair on Mother, or Rosa.’
‘Who says it’s going to be forever?’
In the face of Laura’s continued faith in her absent husband, Ellen and Mother fell silent. Winifred spoke next.
‘They do have a point, darling. Maybe you should look for a job? It’s not good just brooding all the time.’
Again, Laura tried to sound reasonable, and talked to Winifred about what might be possible during the time that Rosa could spend with Aurore, and given Laura’s minimal experience. The women were glad that Laura seemed open, at least, to letting them discuss her impossible, rudderless life, and so they went on talking in circles for a while longer, and then Laura said she had to go to bed.
Once in her room, she lay fully dressed on her bed, looking up at the ceiling, which was painted a pale, shiny grey. There were cobwebs in the corners, she noticed, and on the ceiling light. She should get a broom and knock them down. She should tell the cleaning lady tomorrow. Her headache was growing at the back of her eyes. She felt isolated by the way that Mother and Ellen and Winifred had attacked her, all wanting to change her life. She could see herself through their eyes: drinking too much, a nervous and irritable mother, wandering through life with a vain, stupid hope, not thinking about how her choices affected those around her, selfishly making her mother stay with her when she wanted to be back in America.
If only she could just give in, go to Boston, let Rosa grow up with her cousins. A normal, suburban life; wasn’t that what she wanted, really? Maybe it was all she had ever wanted, maybe her other dreams had been only adolescent illusions. But as soon as she thought of it, she knew how distant that was from her now. She had seen something of the temper of the times in Washington; she could not return to the fire that had destroyed Hiss. The silences of the British secret services chilled her, but their cold inertia gave her a way of surviving.