He smiled back at her, said, ‘Hello. Nice to see you.’
‘Where have you been and what have you been doing? Something noble and useful I expect –’
‘Not very,’ said Tom. ‘Failing a lot of people at my Citizens’ Advice surgery.’
There was a slightly awkward silence and then to his astonishment Tom heard himself asking her if she had had supper and if not, would she care to join him.
‘I’m afraid I have,’ she said apologetically, adding, ‘with Alice, actually. We went to the pictures, saw such a silly lovely old film called The Red Shoes all about a ballerina who married a conductor and threw herself under a train because she couldn’t choose between him and the ballet.’
‘It sounds – very good,’ said Tom politely.
‘Well, it was fun. And then we had a quick supper at the Corner House. I don’t think I could eat another now, fun as it would be.’ She hesitated, then said, ‘Look, there’s nowhere open now anyway, and you obviously need food after advising all those citizens. Why don’t you come back to my house? My parents are probably out and there’s always soup in the fridge, I’ll warm that up for you. Go on, Tom, it would be lovely for me. Otherwise I’ll have to do what I should be doing, and revising the construction of the pelvis. About as much fun as the citizens, I should think.’
And Tom heard himself climbing into Jillie’s little red Morris Minor. ‘This is the love of my life,’ said Jillie as she switched on the engine. He felt no sense of injustice on behalf of all the people who didn’t have cars and had to stand at bus stops, getting cold and wet, just huge gratitude and pleasure; emotions repeated as they climbed the steps to the great front door of number five Channing Road, and walked into its beguiling warmth and charm.
‘Right,’ said Jillie, ‘to the kitchen. Oh, here’s some nice fresh bread, and some cheese, and a pot of Cook’s special raisin chutney. How about a beer? Daddy always has some in the cellar.’
Tom sat, drinking the soup and eating the bread and cheese, and enjoying the beer, feeling any sense of guilt melt away. And enjoying the company of Jillie, who was drinking from a huge cup of tea and eating ginger biscuits, chatting and smiling. Then, suddenly, he heard himself say, ‘How – how is Alice?’
‘She’s fine,’ said Jillie. ‘Working very hard. She’s decided she wants to be a theatre nurse. She likes the drama of surgery, the sense that you’re getting something done. My –’ She hesitated, blushed, then said, ‘I have a friend who’s a surgeon, he says the same thing. So much of medicine is slow. Treating with drugs, with rest, with good nursing. Surgery, you have a chance to put things right, straight away. Of course sometimes it goes wrong, but when it goes right, then you’re God, you’ve given the person their life back.’
‘I see. This friend, this surgeon, is he very successful?’
‘He will be. He’s only just become a consultant. An honorary, as they used to be called.’
‘And – what sort of surgery does he do?’
‘Paediatrics. Working with children. He doesn’t just operate, of course, there’s a lot of the other sort of work too. Putting crooked limbs and knock knees into plaster casts, all sorts of minor children’s ailments, tonsils, appendicitis, that sort of thing. Then he’s very interested in –’ She stopped. ‘Sorry. You don’t want to hear all this.’
‘It’s interesting. Have you known him long, this surgeon?’
‘No, I met him on New Year’s Eve. But we, well, we see a lot of each other. He’s very nice.’
‘So – so is he your boyfriend?’
‘Just about. A very new one, though. How about another beer?’
‘That would be – very kind. Oh, this is so nice. To be talking to you while I eat. Instead of all by myself, I mean.’
‘Oh, Tom,’ said Jillie, looking quite shocked. ‘That sounds like a dreadful way to be living. So alone.’
‘It is. But – it’s the way things have worked for me. Laura died, and the baby died, so of course I’m alone.’
‘Yes, of course you are. Tom, I’m so sorry.’
She fetched the beer, sat looking at him, clearly not knowing what to say.
‘It’s all right,’ he said, smiling at her. ‘I’m quite used to it.’
‘I know but . . .’
Then, and he would never have managed it had he not felt so totally relaxed, and been halfway through the second beer, and wanting, besides, this warm sociable evening to go on and on, and because suddenly he really wanted to know . . .
‘Has – has Alice got a boyfriend?’
‘No, Tom,’ said Jillie, her expression carefully blank. ‘No, she hasn’t.’
‘I see. I just wondered. I mean, we did get on very well at your party. I’d really like to see her again. If you don’t think she’d mind me getting in touch after all this time.’
‘I think she’d be delighted.’
‘Do you? You see, I really did mean to ring her. I should have done. Only – well, it’s hard to explain. I still feel so – I belong to Laura, you see.’
‘Of course you do. And I suppose you feel disloyal. Even thinking of going out with someone else, getting involved with them possibly?’
‘Yes. Yes, I do. I loved her so much.’
‘But—’
‘Please don’t,’ he said. ‘Don’t say she wouldn’t want me to be lonely, she’d be happy for me to be with someone else. Everyone says that, it’s not the point.’
‘I wasn’t going to,’ said Jillie. ‘I was going to say I should imagine you want to stay on your own, however lonely you are, because it’s how you keep her alive.’
‘Yes, that’s exactly right,’ he said, astonished at her perception. ‘Exactly. I can keep her – well, not alive, but alive in my memory, everything about her. I can’t have her blurred.’
‘Oh, Tom,’ said Jillie and there were tears in her eyes now. ‘I am so, so sorry. It was cruel, what happened to you, so unbelievably cruel. But – forgive me – you have to think of yourself too. You’re clever and you’ve done so well, and you’re ambitious and you could be really successful, I think, and I love the way you’re a real socialist. But I think being so miserable and alone all the time – and this has nothing to do with Alice, you certainly don’t have to ring her – but being so lonely is holding you back. Making you not believe in yourself, and making you negative. What would you think about that?’
‘I – I’m not sure,’ said Tom.
‘And all right, of course you don’t want to be disloyal to Laura, but I do know one thing – and don’t forget I met Laura – I thought she was one of the bravest, most positive people I ever met, and I just know she wouldn’t want you to be wasting your life. She’d want you to do justice to yourself.’
Tom sat in silence for some time; it wasn’t an awkward silence, it was rather the reverse, it was easy and comfortable and rather happy. He let Jillie’s words work their way into his head. ‘Jillie, thank you for that. Of course you’re right. She’d – well, she’d be furious with me.’