“We need to get you help,” I tell her. Because what else is there to say? I don’t remember being twelve, or what my thoughts were like back then, how much I loved or how much I hated. I had a good life, with two healthy parents who kept me safe and sometimes in a bubble. So, how can I understand? How can I agree or disagree that what she did was normal or abnormal? What I do know is, shock can cause a mental disruption, which apparently is exactly what happened to her.
“No one can help me,” she says. “I thought when we met and agreed to only move forward from the place we were standing, I could finally leave everything behind me.” She takes a few quick, pausing breaths before continuing. “Having a child, though, has reminded me every single day of my sister, how I watched her die too. I couldn’t keep her alive, so I could never risk being in the situation to care for someone, ever again. It is destroying me. I see my mother in me whenever I look in the mirror—the cowardice and weakness, and whenever Gavin cries, my chest tightens. I feel like I can’t take another second of crying or I might lose it.”
“You never hurt anyone, Tori,” I tell her, feeling that sickness grow in my gut.
“My sister cried for days and days, because she was hungry. I couldn’t take it anymore, AJ. I couldn’t take another minute of her crying.”
“Tori,” I interrupt her. What the hell is she about to say?
“I knew I needed to get her food, and I had no money, so I brought her to the local church and left her there so I could try to figure out what to do next.”
“Why didn’t you just call the police? You were two innocent children.” I don’t understand.
“I was afraid they would have separated my sister and me. We would have been thrown into some kind of orphanage. She was so scared, and I couldn’t do that to her. My sister was all I had left, and nothing was going to take her away from me.” Tori pulls her knees into her chest and wraps herself up like a ball, rocking back and forth as she continues to cry.
I suppose I can understand, but if she brought her sister to a church…how did she die? “Then what?” I press.
Tori looks up at me for a long minute, appearing to look back on that time, putting together pieces in her head. “She was crying on the front steps of the church for me. She was in her favorite pajamas with kittens on them, and her hair was a big mess. I tried to fix it the best I could, but she was fussing too much to make it easy.” Her eyes are open wide, staring through me as she continues. “She was reaching out for me as I crossed the street. I was planning to steal food from the local store, and I didn’t want her to be a part of that.”
She stops talking completely as the look in her eyes turns dark and lost. “Tori?”
“She ran after me. I told her not to. I watched her cross the street while a car was flying toward her. It was dark. The last thing I heard was her scream, but it was cut short by nothingness.” Hyperventilating sounds erupt from Tori’s throat. “I was supposed to take care of her, AJ. I was all she had left. Do you know what it looks like to see a child flattened to the ground after being run over by a car?”
“Tori, stop.” I can’t take it. I don’t think I can hear this.
“I ran to her. I fell down on top of her, squeezing what was intact—what was left of her, which wasn’t much. I can’t ever get that image out of my head, AJ. She was so beautiful, perfect, and the sweetest little girl, unlike me. It should have been me. I caused my mother to end her life, and then…I was dumb enough to get my little sister killed.” She stops talking, and I think I stop breathing. Her hands come out of nowhere and she shoves me down onto the bed, flinging herself forward, running to the bathroom where I hear her vomiting violently.
Shaking as hard as I have ever shaken in my life, I slowly get up from the bed and walk past the bathroom where Tori is still getting sick. Freaked out by the story I just heard, I run back downstairs for Gavin, who’s still playing with a toy in his high chair. I lift him out, holding him firmly between my arms, not knowing what to do at the moment. Screams start emanating from the bathroom, and I hear banging, followed by what I think sounds like bottles of pills hitting the sink. Jesus, we’re doing this again. I look at Gavin for a long second, wishing so badly he didn’t have to hear any of this. I hope to God his memory doesn’t ever go back this far. While I know I should get him out of the house, I’m afraid of what Tori will do to herself if I leave. “Buddy,” I whisper. “I’m going to go check on Mommy. I’ll be right back.” I force a smile so he knows I’m okay, because he looks terrified. He may not understand what’s actually going on, but he knows something isn’t right.
I run up to the top of the stairs where the bathroom is and see her quietly filling the bathtub. “Please leave,” she says. Her voice is completely even toned, but there are half a dozen bottles of pills lying in the sink.
“What are you doing, Tori?” I ask, keeping my voice even.
“AJ, if you love me like you say, you’ll leave the house right now. Take Gavin, and go.”